Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

267 replies

Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 09:28

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

OP posts:
furryminkymoo · 21/10/2016 09:55

Yes do, writing things down really helps. You may find yourself being shocked mid sentence.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 21/10/2016 17:21

I'm going to tell him this evening, dc1&2 are with their dad and DC 3&4 are having a sleepover at my parents house.... seems like a good time. I feel sick about it, I know it's the right thing to do, I'm still dreading it though.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 21/10/2016 18:48

I've read all your posts and wish you the best of luck for tonight x

pog100 · 21/10/2016 18:54

Good luck, trying, stay strong!

Featherybum · 21/10/2016 19:52

Good luck, really believe you are doing the right thing x re your mum she could be being unsupportive or she could be sitting on the fence a bit as you got back together before and people get cautious about saying what they think in that situation. But anyway, as others said you don't need her permission or approval. You've decided on the course that's right for you and your children that's all that matters. I'm sure friends and family will pitch in and help when he's gone also. Good luck (and as the house is in your name change the locks when he's gone) x

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 21/10/2016 20:26

Thanks everyone, my dd1 decided not to go to her dad for the weekend, I really don't want to do it with her in the house incase he kicks off. I feel annoyed rather than relieved as I had really psyched myself up

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 21/10/2016 20:28

Sorry posted too soon! .... to tell him. I know I will prob have my moments when it's the "aftermath " but I really just want him to go now Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 21/10/2016 21:24

This is probably going to sound really strange but I feel like I have lost myself. I have in reality had a really shit 8 or so years (I'm 33 now). I feel Ike I don't know who I am. Maybe it's the 2 glasses of wine talking but I feel like I'm fighting for calm. Do I sound crazy?

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 21/10/2016 21:53

Hi
Haven't read your thread for a few days..

I am a LP and not been with anyone since I split with my abusive Ex..To be fair I am scared to death of making another mistake for my DS..

One thing I will say the comment about he will see the kids at different times to ex is another form of control..IF you can't have you no one can..You won't be able to go out and meet anyone..You can not have anyone but him..

Keep making your plans..The nice little bits are just to keep you hooked in ..The little bits you liked about him because he didn't start out this way. He was nice and charming and took care of you.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 22/10/2016 09:26

Thanks Starlight, I feel the same, I will never trust anyone around my DC again, I certainly will not be seeking another step dad for them, it's a complete nightmare mind field.
I realise a lot of what he does is about control although he will never admit it.

I just want to tell him and get it over and done with but will have 3DC here when he finishes work today. I feel trapped.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 22/10/2016 11:01

Hard though it must be I think you just have to bide your time, it will come. It's very telling that your conviction is becoming stronger rather than wobbling while you're having to wait, if you needed any confirmation you are doing the right thing I think that says it all. You're being really strong Trying, it's impressive Star

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 22/10/2016 16:42

I'm just itching to order a new bed and other furniture to make this my home rather than our home. I knew I was impatient but not to this extent!
I think it's made worse as I can't do a lot at the moment so I've got all day to sit on the sofa looking around at all the things I want to change but would not have been allowed to before. I have spent hours on the ikea website dreaming!

I know I'm not going to be able to hold off telling him much longer, I feel like I'm going insane.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 22/10/2016 17:24

Rally feel for you, but stay strong and keep going! Flowers

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 23/10/2016 10:10

DH has just taken dc's 1,3&4 swimming, I think he is showing me how lovely he is really!
However I have spent the morning reading other mumsnet posts and have read a few that have reminded me just how terrible he has been to me and my DC in the past, I know it sounds cliche but it really is like waking up and treading through thick fog to see clearly. Just a few examples,
One night a few years ago we were arguing as I didn't agree that my ds1 (about 5/6 at the time) should have all his toys taken away as he hadn't tidied his room well enough, DH went out that evening with his friends came back late drunk woke me up and try to carry on the argument when I refuse to engage he went into DS room and pulled his covers off of him to get him to tidy up his mess! I I took our then 3DC to my sisters house for the rest of the night. I should've left him then, I'm so ashamed of myself.
Another bad time I remember was a few years ago when we only had my 2DC, I had pneumonia and was being sick in the toilet he wanted to go shopping like supermarket food shopping and made me go with him told me to man up , I was sick outside the supermarket, he really couldn't understand why I didn't want to discuss dinners for the week!

OP posts:
hermione2016 · 23/10/2016 10:35

It sounds as of your ex is severley lacking in compassion.I can't imagine how anyone would feel angry enough to wake up a little boy.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 23/10/2016 13:03

Hi op just caught up as been away for a few days.

Your update of him waking your ds up is horrible, I know it was a while ago but you should have gone then. What did your sister say when you went back? Your poor ds I bet he is frightened of him

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 23/10/2016 13:27

My sister didn't say a lot, I think everyone just accepts it, maybe that is why they are so blasé about it now, it's become normalised.
Last Christmas he was pissed off with me again over ds and him not listening this time and behaving in the way excited 7 year old boys do on xmas eve, I stuck up for ds when DH wanted to punish him by sending him to bed early, all DC had a late night and I had hidden all the presents in the loft, anyway when the DC were asleep I went upstairs to get the presents out without asking DH for help as I knew he would blow up, he ran up the stairs after me, snatched the loft pole out of my hand and refused to let me get the presents out. I begged and pleaded with him, I was not going to let the DC come down in the morning and think santa had forgotten them but he just kept telling me to fuck off and shut the fuck up you stupid bitch, I shut myself in the loo and called my parents, he slunk off to bed and my poor dad helped me play Santa. The next morning he acted like it was all my fault, he was really off with me and I had to quietly plead with him to pretend all was ok for the kids. It was awful.

OP posts:
Jinglebellsandv0dka · 23/10/2016 13:47

Oh my god that hidious.

trying remember every detail of that time and use it to help you start this process of getting him out.

I honestly couldn't wait for the perfect time. I'd ask some one to come round while you tell him so you have a witness if he explodes. When ekse are you going to tell him?

He is fucking awful.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 23/10/2016 13:51

I keep thinking the same, I don't want to wait, he's out visiting his mum and shopping now, getting meals for the week, he is being really nice today and that just makes me feel so much worse and guilty for planning to leave.
I could tell him now and go to my mums but I don't want to leave my house. Maybe I am best to bide my time while he is playing Nr Nice and as so as he slips up I tell him.
I really don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
notquitegrownup2 · 23/10/2016 13:57

I would say that you don't have to decide today. Your two eldest are with your mum, safe and having fun. Your two youngest are being looked after by your dh whilst you recover from a serious operation.

I understand that you are afraid that you are going to cave in and think that this could work again, if you don't act straight away, and that is important to bare in mind, but do read through this thread again, and see the responses - in particular read what you have written. You know deep down that it the way he reacts to your eldest two dcs is not right, and that you need to put this right for them.

Give yourself an extra day or two to recover from your operation if you can. You also know that the house is now in your name. Check on anything else you need to now, whilst you have your recovery time/the house to yourself.

category12 · 23/10/2016 13:59

Why would you wait for yet another example of what a shit he is? You know he can't maintain the Mr nice thing - you know it's temporary.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 23/10/2016 14:08

Yes category I know it's temporary but I'm recovering from major surgery and can't look after my children alone for another 4 weeks. My mum and dad have invited us to stay with them but we stayed there for a week last time I left DH , it was really stressful and I was well then.
I'm not expecting DH to change, I just want to avoid going to my parents for as long as possible as long as it doesn't effect any of my DC. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/10/2016 14:33

Yes, it does make sense Trying.
Please don't panic, and try not to overthink it (I know that's a tough one).
It WILL HAPPEN, and really why shouldn't you use him whilst he's being Mr Nice.
Not great that he could change that at the flick of a switch, but you have to do what you have to do under your circumstances.
Time goes quickly and it will all come to pass x

DollyTwat · 23/10/2016 15:13

Trying, things seem worse because you're recovering and are vulnerable. If it was me I'd build up my strength over the next few weeks and if he's being nice just go with it.

What you can be doing is planning everything mentally for when he goes. So the day you ask him to leave you have everything worked out. Get your help from family lined up and ready, the logistics of school runs etc.

The minute he steps out of line, you can chuck him out without worrying about how you'll cope

Atenco · 23/10/2016 15:26

I think you idea of playing happy families while he is playing Mr. Nice sounds like a good plan, OP, under the circs.

But he is such a (not censoring, just can't find a strong enough word for such a person), so enjoy planning how you are going to remodel your house once you have got rid of him.