Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

[Tryingmybest4them]

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

You don't trust your DH to look after your dog???

This^........also tells you all you need to know.

Do you want your son to be the fall guy for him?

My concern over sending the kids off and not him is that it will a prime opportunity to convince you it's the kids that are the problem here not him. And I just fear the message out to your kids and DH is that keeping DH happy is the priority. They won't see it as being kept safe, it will feel like they are sidelined.
I just think it could result in an even more difficult situation long term. He's already offered to leave so take him up on it

YNK
My DH is a selfish git, he is good at putting on an act and almost makes me believe him. In the past week since I had my op he has looked after the house, cooked meals and walked the dog. He's basically done everything for us. The trouble is as soon as something doesn't go his way he turns and stops doing all of those things leaving me to suffer, I loaded the dishwasher this morning as he had left all the dishes from last night on the side, it took me ages and left me in more pain but I couldn't leave it like it, anyway he came up to me and acting a cross between concerned and angry he says "you know you are going to end up back in hospital don't you". It's like he is enjoying seeing me struggle.
And just so you are all aware I am in no danger of him making me think my children are in the wrong, I can see now that this is what he is trying to do but I always stand up for them, like last night, my ds didn't go to bed early as DH tried to enforce then threw his toys out of the pram when I didn't back him up.

Myuser- yes I understand what you mean, the problem is I don't think he will actually leave, it's all talk like he's hoping I will beg him to stay. Last time I left, I took the kids and the dog and went to my parents, after 1 week he went and stayed with his mum. I don't think he will go quietly

Slight tangent but could you get one of these so you can get tea/coffee/cup a soups etc on your own without lifting the kettle - get someone to fill the kettle for you in the morning and load it in the tipper then you can be more independent www.completecareshop.co.uk/kitchen-aids/kettle-tippers/?gclid=CjwKEAjw7ZHABRCTr_DV4_ejvgQSJACr-YcwBHzqP_OWcUWrgiUslket7KXE3OugP37JzazxjZtcsBoCDznw_wcB

Leaving some one is bloody hard - as you know - especially if you have been ground down. But you will get through it. A good trick is to try go NC and speak through your mum or other relative.

No phone calls
No texts

It's not down to your parents to create a lovely space where they get spoilt - that's your job op. Your husband is stopping that.

You do not want your children growing up in to very angry effected teenagers/adults - your ds is struggling already. His own father is lacking and his step father is bullying him. He is only finding relief at your mothers - that's so sad.

Be very aware of your ex going for residency. I used to go to my DGP every weekend, loved them. My mother and step dad used to full on physically fight and one night I rang my DGM and she came and collected me during a fight. My dad who was (and still is a crap dad) got involved and actually put me in school in his area on the Monday and that is where I stayed. It may be very different now (was 30 years ago)

dig deep trying you can do this. Give someone that will have your back a call and get that support you need.

My cousins ex acted very dim but was actually very sly and huge thief. Your instincts are telling you it's wrong.

I do feel for you. I had a partner about 7 years ago who was a terrible father to his own child I discovered and also detested mine like this. I didn't ask him to leave when I should and I bitterly regret it now. He only left when I found out he had cheated on me. My DD is very insecure and anxious years later and I Am still angry with myself

Sargeant- what a great invention, I wasn't aware these existed, thank you for telling me, I'm going to order one!

OP, you ask: Am I wrong to think that step parents need to earn the respect of their step children?

No, you're not. I am a SM and I worked very hard to build a close, loving relationship with my DSD. I also ensured her DM knew I was an ally, and not undermining her parenting in any way. I felt it was so important to foster a happy secure second home, and support my DSD's relationship with her DD. It's an experience that I found helped me become fully adult.

I'm a lot older than you. I first met my DSD when she was 7. She's over 30 now with a family of her own, and we are so close. She sends both me and her DM Mother's Day cards, and her DM doesn't mind, which I feel is a hell of an achievement. My DSD and I both feel we have gained so much from our relationship.

My DC have a step mum and she earned their respect first and they have a lovely relationship.

I don't think you need to wake up OP. I actually think you have really good insight into what is happening. I imagine you felt that maybe if everyone had a little space, a break, to recharge their batteries etc that would improve things. I just feel you've already done this and now a few weeks in, your DH has gone back to his "default" behaviour.
Thinking about your other kids; I'm constantly checking myself to try and treat my two fairly, to praise and punish them equally, to not favour one over the other etc etc and their both mine and my husbands. It must be so draining and saddening to have your DH favour his own above yours.
In the long term, this could be so damaging to their relationships as siblings, my main goal is that my kids are friends and can support each other as adults (which is bloody hard when they're practically killing each other sometimes!!).
You need yours to feel equal, and you're right, their home, and each other - their family - should be their sanctuary, not a competitive, unfair place where the golden children are put on a pedestal (which is also damaging) and the scapegoat children are left out on the periphery, they should feel like a little team.
You're on the right track OP. I honestly think 4 kids at your mums will be too hectic, simply because of all of the "stuff" you'll have to have with you. Plus none of you should leave your home. DH needs to go to his mums and potentially do the school drop off...? (Not pick up as he'll just torture you by coming in and "talking") your exh needs to pick up some slack and I know your mum will help out all she can. Good luck OP

Thanks rocking, I have just spoken to my mum and my sister, they echoed what all of you have said really.
My problem is

1. I don't know what dh's next move will be, whether he will stay or go
2. My youngest DC are only toddlers so I can't look after them alone at the moment, if DH does leave I will have no choice but to go to my mums which will be a complete nightmare!

I just wish I hadn't had the surgery (not that I had slot of choice) things would be so much simpler.

Yes I know but if he moves out I can't look after the DC on my own, I can't cook, clean, change nappies or get the dressed! I can't take them to preschool or school! I have become bloody useless

And thank you prawn and myuser, you give me hope that not all step parents have a secret vendetta against their poor unsuspecting step children.

OP we need to help you figure out the logistics of how you will manage both short and long term. First off what's your housing situation, rented or owned and in whose name?

Hi hiding

The house is privately rented, it was in joint names but when he moved out last time I got him to sign a letter saying he wished to be released from the tenancy and for it to be transferred to my sole name. I have since going out that he did a stupid squiggle mark rather than his signature and he told me the agents called him to check it was legitimate and he told them he would get back to them, he has always avoided the topic since so I'm not sure of the outcome. Also my Df agreed to be guarantor for me and signed the papers put the papers had the old rent amount on so the agents wanted it done again with the correct payment amount on, they never sent the paperwork through and I just thought it must all be ok. I don't want to call them as they are friends with the landlord and I don't want to give them any reason to serve me notice, when DH left last time he cancelled the direct debits for rent and bills which came out of his account and I paid half of what was due into before hand without telling me so I had to pay the landlord in cash that night. It was awful and so embarrassing. I now have all bills coming out of my own account.

trying have you asked your mum or sister to stay for a while?

I think your just going to have to bite the bullet regarding the landlord and tenancy, it's very sneaky not confirming he had signed it. Not so daft after all is he?

Could the youngest not go in nursary?

Oh OP it just gets bloody worse! I think you need to somehow consider and make an agreement about paying the rent. Did he pay you anything last time? You can get an occupation order to have the tenancy in your name but this is a last resort. I would casually call the agent and "double check" the named tenants as you haven't had confirmation of you being the sole tenant, then go from there perhaps. Do you think he will refuse to move out? X

If you are post operative then you need to contact the hospital to request help - explain what is happening. You will be deemed a vulnerable adult and they should jump if you suggest there is a risk of neglect.
You can get him out Im sure, but you need to be brave and get those who CAN help to rally round and support you

I can see you're in a really difficult position here trying, the ideal would be if his name is off the tenancy because then you have every right to tell him to leave and you're free to do whatever works out best with regard to staying with your mum while you recover. My worry is that while you don't know for sure about the tenancy you can't force him to go and, if you do go to mums until you're better, you then have the problem of how to handle things when you're ready to go home.

I agree with Jingle you probably need to bite the bullet and ask the relevant questions about your tenancy, if you're a good tenant, pay your rent on time etc they should be happy to work with you to sort out any problems and you really need to know whether his name is still on the tenancy.

For now I would swallow my pride and ask anyone and everyone who might be able to help with the kids etc while you're recovering and tell him he has to go to his mums. He doesn't really have a leg to stand on because if he's not willing to help you while you're ill he can hardly blame you for arranging other help can he?

I would shift the focus now from the problems with your DS to the fact that he's left you helpless today without even the means to make a cup of tea. It doesn't matter what problems you're having with your relationship he shouldn't have done that and I would give that as the reason you want him to go. Make some calls trying, find out who else is willing to help you so you can manage without him while you're ill because you can't afford to be relying on him when he lets you down so completely. If there really isn't anyone who can help you so you can stay in your home then you will have to go to your mums but either way find a route through this that doesn't depend on him helping you

I have just taken your advice and called the letting agent and they confirmed the tenancy is just in my name
That's a relief!
What do you all think to me asking my mum to have the youngest 2 DC while I stay home with my elder 2 who are a bit more self sufficient?

trying that's FAB news regarding tenancy !

Brilliant idea about asking your mum for smaller DC.

That's brilliant about the tenancy! And yes, that sounds a good solution while you're recuperating, get you sorting everything out How do you think he'll react when you tell him to go to his mums?

Yes I think the little ones going will also give you a brilliant time for bonding with the elder ones during this difficult time. They can at least help a little bit and I am sure they would want to.
I'm really pleased about the tenancy.
I am also really glad you seem to feel more in control despite being in pain and what you have been through with surgery.