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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

267 replies

Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 09:28

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

OP posts:
Jinglebellsandv0dka · 28/10/2016 13:29

It's absolutly normal to feel like this. I did. Actually felt ill with and when they start ringing it's even worse.

It will pass though and then you will be able to see with clarity how fucked up things were.

You will be ok Flowers

Dutchoma · 28/10/2016 13:35

Take no notice of your sister. Being on your own is far preferable to being in an abusive relationship and as I said before, you are not doing this to make life easier for you, but to give your son a life of freedom from abuse.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 28/10/2016 15:36

Just seen your post about your sister.

She is either so conditioned to think this is acceptable treatment to women or she doesn't want you to make that life change.

Stay away from people like this.

beachbaby18 · 28/10/2016 16:04

Your sister is probably envious of your strength to leave when she knows she should but can't.

It's horrible as you probably feel really alone and support from your sister is really needed now BUT just remember you are doing the right thing and everything you are going through now is for a better future for you and your DC X

Hidingtonothing · 28/10/2016 16:29

Some serious projection of her own issues from your sister there Trying, please try to see it for what it is and don't let it knock your conviction.

You're right not to discuss it with her, she's obviously in a different place to you right now and it sounds like you will only bash heads. Who knows, maybe she will be inspired by your example when she sees you making a life for yourself independently but for now you need to be completely selfish and single minded about finding your way forward and refuse to allow anyone in who might bring negativity or sap your strength and confidence.

You and your DC are all that matters for now, take support where it's offered and avoid those who are anything less than 100% behind you. You're doing brilliantly despite feeling wobbly, keep your eye on the prize, a happy, egg shell free life for you, DS and your other DC, it will be worth it Flowers

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 28/10/2016 18:36

Thank you for your kind words, it really does help. I am back home now, trying to manage on my with lots of help from my mum doing school runs etc.
It's my first evening on my own so having a bottle of wine and a pizza and watching what the hell I want on tv Grin Wine

OP posts:
PaulDacresConscience · 28/10/2016 19:23

Just carry on being normal with your sister. You don't have to dissect your life for her; there's nothing wrong with being concise and not telling her chapter and verse. If you carry on as you would then she'll have two choices; to continue being sniffy with you and look like an idiot, or to start talking to you again because it's no big deal.

Well done on being on your own - it will be a million times better. And with any luck your sister may look at you spreading your wings and gain the strength to be able to leave her own abusive relationship.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 28/10/2016 20:30

Happy days!

Oh how I wish for alone time with alcahol and the tv to myself! Wine

Keep posting on here when you get fed up. This is a marathon remember!

Flisspaps · 28/10/2016 21:07

Just read this from beginning to end.

Well done Flowers if you start missing him, remember Christmas. If your sister puts doubts in your head, remember Christmas.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You're brilliant, keep going Smile

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 28/10/2016 21:30

Lol thank you, I think the wine has gone to my head. Didn't even watch tv, spent the entire evening catching up with old friends on Fb of all places, he would of been pissed off with me for being on my phone all night though!
I haven't heard from DH, he made a fuss about speaking to his DC but just like last time he hadn't made contact .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 28/10/2016 21:33

I'm actually really proud reading all of your comments, my dd1 and ds1 went to a Halloween party with my parents tonight, they came home and instead of rushing them to bed quietly they sat with me, told me about their evening and chilled out for a bit! Peace at last! Halloween Grin

OP posts:
aginghippy · 28/10/2016 22:06

Wine Here's to your peaceful future with your fabulous dc

Atenco · 29/10/2016 12:55

Oh well done OP.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 29/10/2016 22:11

I've managed an evening without wine, that's positive as I was worried I would be drinking every night even just to get some sleep but I can do it!
Just seen on the wonderful world of fb DH is out in town tonight, I'm really trying not to let it upset me, I'm stuck at home, struggling to look after the kids and the house and also still in pain recovery from surgery, upset about breaking our family up and stupidly missing the nice bits of him and he's out SadEnvyAngry

OP posts:
StarsandSparkles · 29/10/2016 22:40

Just read all the thread and you sound like an amazing woman trying your kids are lucky to have you as a mum your an absolute 🌟. Your 'd'h is an utter cunt though and you will be so much better off without him. Well seeing hes out on the town and your left to pick the pieces up but its you that the kids will remember was there for them not your dh

Atenco · 30/10/2016 01:04

If only you could distill out the nice bits of him, OP. However neither you nor kids deserve the nasty side of him.

springydaffs · 30/10/2016 07:01

Don't look on fb!

He only put that up to make you feel shit.

When you're a bit straight, do the Freedom Programme. I'm not suggesting you do it, I'm telling you to do it Grin

Well done for getting this far. You can do this - keep going. A day at a time.

When you waiver, remember what a cunt he is. Remember all the vile things he has done - and continues to do.

Then do the Freedom Programme Wink

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 30/10/2016 07:57

He didn't put it up, his mate did.
He is was still out in town at 2am and possibly after this time, he is supposed to be collecting the little ones from my parents at 10, he's not going to be in a fit state to look after them. He is such a twat, their one day with their dad and he has to ruin it!
Also I think someone rung my doorbell at 5am, I may have dreamt it but it woke me up so I don't think it was a dream. I'm probably just freaking out as I'm not used to be solely responsible for DC safety!

OP posts:
aginghippy · 30/10/2016 09:00

Hold on to that anger Trying. His twatish behaviour show how much he prioritises his relationship with his children Hmm

Even if someone did ring the doorbell at 5 am, nothing bad happened. You and dc are still safe. You are not obliged to open the door if the bell rings. If it's anything to do with him, it's just another example of twatish behaviour.

mysistersimone · 30/10/2016 09:31

Just catching up on your thread. I'm in the process of planning my seperation and trying to get hold of all the H's financial info etc.

I've been reading a lot of threads lately about seperation and divorce and the behaviour of abusive men. I know my H has done a few big unreasonable things but lately the fog has lifted on how actually he EA's me low level. I get the praise for behaving and doing what makes him happy and get the brunt of his foul mood if he's not happy. He's said some really nasty things to me and never apologised, made me feel it was all true.

My friends and even my sister have questioned my plans to leave, makes me feel like is this all I'm worth? But I do have 1 friend who I recently offloaded to and she is cheering for me all the way.

I had a lightbulb moment a couple of days ago, even though I am planning on seperating I still had doubts. I was reading a thread and a poster basically said did the OP want her relationship to be the blueprint for her kids. To make her son an abuser and her daughter a victim. That made my stomach flip.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, failed relationships with men are not a guage of you. Having time to strengthen as a person and gain confidence as a single mum will make you raise the bar on your choices in the future

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 30/10/2016 12:18

Hi trying

I'd delete or hide his friends on your facebook do you don't see those statuses.

This part for me was one of the hardest parts, your best of with an infomation black out with regards to him as you will drive yourself mental.

Start a new routine when you go bed thst your house is like forte Knox so you know you are safe of any one comes knocking during the night - and if he does do not go to the door/window

Has be been to pick the kids up?

PaulDacresConscience · 30/10/2016 12:32

I really recommend doing a social media detox. Defriend him and if you have friends in common, then unfollowing them would be a good idea if they are tagging him in their statuses.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 30/10/2016 21:37

Thanks for the advice, said know you are right but I kept avoiding it for some reason .
Little ones are with DH for the night, DM said he seemed fine when he picked them up this morning. He asked how I was coping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 31/10/2016 08:37

I have text DH to ask how DC are, ds called me yesterday afternoon upset and wanting to come home, I managed to talk him into spending time with his dad, DH didn't try to help at all, I think he was using ds to make me feel guilty.
Anyway I text DH this morning and he hasn't replied, I called his mum as she has the children today and DH is bringing them back to me after work, his mum was very rude on the phone, had a really rude tone of voice and used one word answers. I absolutely hate her and hate her looking after my DC Sad
I'm thinking about booking them into preschool on Mondays from now on, do you think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Atenco · 31/10/2016 10:15

Sounds reasonable to me, especially as they are not being looked after by their father on Mondays.