Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

[Tryingmybest4them]

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Great idea, I agree with My it'll be good to have some time with the older ones, plus good news about tenancy. I would just stay really calm and monotone with DH and say "I'm ill, im uncomfortable and I'm unhappy, the little ones are staying with mum until I'm back on my feet. Im tired and worn out and I need some peace, I need you to go to your mums, it'd be really helpful if you could help my mum with the little ones" ... Or something to that effect. Try and be non-specific and general. If you focus on him or his behaviour or how your son is feeling he will spit his dummy out again... Nothing specific, you're just ill and worn out and don't have any energy for all of the tension and you just need some rest and to relax in order to get better, remind him you've got 4 children depending on you (in a nice way). Play him at his own game OP, don't give him a red rag. Thinking of you - you can so do this!

My, if there is DA then it's game over surely? Also I assume your family don't like your husband.Thats usually a good indicator as they see stuff you might miss.

however as a step parent I have found being a step parent very challenging and you need high emotional intelligence.It can be so frustrating to give time, attention and patience when you get little back.I suspect your husband has issues with feeling rejected which he needs to process and realise isn't directly related to him but your son feeling a loss over his dad.

I don't think I agree respect is the right word, perhaps it's trust and love that has to develop? Everyone in the household should be respectful of each other, with the adults leading by example.

Your husband also has a different parenting style to you (and I assume your exdh) so there are many factors that make your marriage so difficult to succeed.

Thanks everyone, he has come home with the little ones, he picked them up from his DM after work. He has mostly ignored me, I asked him if he had eaten yet as I was hungry, he said no so I said I was going to order takeaway, he perked up a bit then and offered to cook something, I said I was happy to order something so I did. He collected it from the door, dished it up and bought it in to me then took my plate after ...... so the Mr Nice has started! I haven't asked him to leave or said anything else to him yet, I'm biding my time, the least amount of time I have to call in favours for the better.

Sorry I've just re-read some of the recent posts and realised I haven't answered some of the questions.
How do I think he will react? Not good, I'm worried he will kick off, shouting, swear at me, call me names, refuse to leave.... last time he tried to use the DC against me, he said to our 3 year old mummy doesn't like me anymore, she wants daddy to leave, do you want daddy to leave? - twat!
I am worried about telling him, he kept accusing me of not letting him see DC last time, he even had my dad believing him until I showed df text messages where I had asked him when he would like to see them and if he would like to face time with them.

I think you are playing it right for now..Don't give him inclinations what you are up to...

With the older 2..How old are they ...Can they get themselves to school ? can they actually help.. I realise you said 6 weeks recovery but another week..You may be more mobile but do what works for you and your children.

My elder 2 are 8&9 so too young to get themselves to school, my mum has been taking them on her way to work though so that's not a problem. It's a 6 week recovery of no lifting, carrying, anything that strains your stomach really so no driving either, but yes I hope to get more mobile around the house everyday.
I went to bed early last night, the night before I had slept on the sofa to stay away from DH, in the middle of last night DH woke me up to tell me to move my foot which may have been slightly over his side of our king size bed! He obviously doesn't give a rats arse about me, so petty. This morning he has ignored me apart from talking through the little ones at me, didn't offer to make me tea or breakfast! It's ok, the kettle was almost empty so it wasn't too heavy, I made my own.
I am getting angry now, it feels good

I'm not sure what contacting women's aid would achieve, I'm not in need of a refuge place nor am I afraid of him, I'm afraid if him shouting and upsetting the kids that's why I'm planning our escape carefully.

"Am I wrong to think that step parents need to earn the respect of their step children? Everywhere I look I seem to see problems with the step relationship but it's usually the adult acting like a selfish self absorbed child. Someone please tell me I'm wrong!"

I will tell you you're wrong. Very often (not implying in op's case), the step parent is given no authority with the child. The parent, afraid to be seen 'taking sides', doesn't parent effectively making it impossible for a healthy relationship to form between step parent and child.

Op I have experienced behaviour like this from my exH. After a serious op he refused to go upstairs to where to phone was to answer it, so I had to and almost burst my stitches. I wish I'd had Mumsnet then to jolt me into reality, would've saved me 15 wasted years. Have courage, your life will one day be so much better

Thanks for your message hormonal. So sorry for you and your 15 wasted years, hopefully your next 15 years will be wonderful. You have an interesting point of view about the step relationship and I'm sure it is true if some. Unfortunately my DH has been involved with ds since he was just 20 months old, he has had the perfect opportunity to bond with him without parenting being an issue, in fact I am ashamed to say in the beginning of our relationship I let him take control of the rules and punishments, something I now deeply regret as he was way too harsh with my lovely little children.

My mum now seems to be feeling sorry for HIM! She asked my elder 2 after school today if they would like to stay with her or at home with me while I get better and they chose to stay with her. They are there now so I text her asking how they are and she text me back saying I need to talk to him and doesn't he realise he is going to loose his family cos he is bull headed, I need to tell him to make an effort with DS! I replied saying he has had loads of chances, he will never change, he needs to leave for good as it's not fair on the kids. She then says I have to tell him now and I can't just use him because I need help. Wtf?
I'm really beginning to think it's all me

It isn't you
Please don't let this wibble you
She doesn't live in this marriage and you do.
If the kids have chosen then let it be for now but keep with your plan

Your son is at risk, it will get worse.
Please do something.

Thanks

Lots of people who haven't lived in an abusive relationship struggle to understand the reality..Don't let your mum doubt you.

But is it abusive? Maybe I'm overreacting. I feel so confused

I'm doing it for my ds1 either way

you should just keep thinking about what he needs and you

I have every sympathy for you op. I would say your husband is EA and you would expect better off without him living with you. It seems his personality changes to keep you under his control. He punishes you when you do something he doesn't like and he rewards you when you do something he likes. Even if you don't see it as EA do you think it's a healthy relationship? If the answer is no then why would you want to continue living this way and let your dc see this as a normal way of living.
I agree with pp over the next few weeks work out your escape plan, I wouldn't let too many people in on it incase he catches on. Then when you feel well enough lay it out for him.
for you. Please don't physically overdo things now as you need to be strong and healed for whatever you decide to do.

Thanks bunnies, your post has really helped. I never ever want to feel like this again, I wish I could just run away.
I have posted about him before under different user names, I have just read back through some old posts, I wish I hadn't of let him back in, I would be so far out the other side by now.

I agree completely with bunniesncats

You can do it. You sound stronger already, wobbles are inevitable but you know deep down it's right

OP, I've been in a similar position to you and I still feel sick to my gut when I think about how my ex treated my lovely little boy, and how I passively stood back and allowed him to do it. Please, please, please find the strength to do this for your own little boy.

trying you thought you were doing right by giving him extra chances, unfortunately though he has proven time again he cant/won't change so there has to be a point when you say enough is enough - whether you work it out once and for all (which i personally think would mean accepting his behaviour) or walk away. I yo-yoed in a PA relationship for almost 5 years before I hit breaking point and walked away for good.
Don't be hard on yourself, your mother sounds like my father and he admitted recently to me he only questioned my decision because in his day families stayed together whatever, although since he saw how I 'blossomed' after I left he knew I'd done the right thing.
Do what is right for you and your dc in the long run and don't be pressured by anyone, nobody but you knows how you are truly feeling inside.

I feel like a fraudster, DH had day off today to look after little ones as I cannot. I have to admit he did leave me to get up early with them as he was up in the night so I was up at 5:30 and he didn't get up to have a seven therefore I made her breakfast and couldn't really sit in peace so ended up in more pain. Anyway at about 10 o'clock he took them out to walk the dog and didn't come back until about 2 o'clock my youngest DS has a swimming lesson At 4 which DH took him to. He dropped me any my other 3 DC off at my my mums, we had a good chat, she is just worried I will regret my decision as I clearly still love him and he supposedly loves me too which makes it really difficult but I told her I hadn't of guilt of minor didn't need her to put her guilt on me too as it is really difficult for me. She seem to understand and agreed that he is really on fair on ds1. This evening DH has been nice, but I have it set in my mind what needs to be done,..... please help me tattoo it there