Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

[Tryingmybest4them]

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Re your last message: You are not wrong. And there is literally no reason why he should be stricter with your two than "his" two. It's like he is acting like he has done you all a favour by being their step dad.

Previous posters are right in that this behaviour is damaging for all of your kids. You can fix this!

At the moment he is clearly trying to get or if looking after you because he just doesn't want to so has created a row so he can blame you. Also possibly actually enjoying you being trapped and helpless because now he has all the power over you. These six eeeks are his ideal opportunity to grind you into tiny little pieces so you are broken and Punished for leaving and choosing your children and don't dare do this again.

Don't let him win.
You are not imagining this. He's actually enjoying your pain and torment. He wants you to choose him over your children.

You need to take some action. You must have friends or family who can help out. And yes he should go to his mothers.

Attila yes I am fortunate to have family close by who would help with the kids, it's just so embarrassing to admit to everyone that I have failed again.
Rockingaround the argument started because my parents had dcs 123&4 fri night and sat and kept DC 1&2 sat night and Sunday to keep them entertained and take the pressure off DH. When they came home yesterday they both ran to me and hugged me but ignored DH, my ds was upset as he wanted his own dad (he is really struggling with his emotions at the moment, I have enlisted the help of the ELSA at school) his dad, my exDH is remarried with no additional children but they are always busy, he spends every other weekend with him along with dd but ds always wants him, I realise this is a reflection on his relationship with DH. Anyway DH sulked around and told me I needed to say something to ds and dd, I did talk to them, dd went and said hello and hugged him but he was really cold with her and then ds also tried but DH acted like a rejected child and created a massive atmosphere. My 2 ds were play fighting and ds1 got hurt, DH didn't do much about it, then ds2 got hurt and DH got really cross and told ds1 he had to go to bed early, I stepped in and pointed out that it wasn't fair, they were both hurting each other and refused to allow ds1 to be sent to bed. DH said I was undermining him, ds1 hadn't been listening since he came home, I asked all DC to go upstairs and watch to in my room, I tried to talk to DH but he just kept saying I don't give a s**t about him and I let ds walk all over him.

"Attila yes I am fortunate to have family close by who would help with the kids, it's just so embarrassing to admit to everyone that I have failed again".

Do not let your own pride or embarrassment (and those feelings are truly misplaced) get in the way here. Ask your family for help here. Also if anyone has failed here its him.

And yes he should go to his mothers and in the longer term you should make plans to divorce him as well.

Oh op

You know what you need to do, it's just you are very vunerable at the moment and your Dh is very aware of that.

I know what you mean about the mutual respect thing but I think that applies to children that have been a little older when they meet there new SP, your boys have been here since the start - he should look at them as his own. There should be love there too.

Many moons ago I was in s similar position and I'm ashamed to say I sided (mostly) with my ex partner at the time, dd1 was around 6-9 at the time. His idea was that as he was the adult - his say counted way more than the child's even if I knew he was wrong and many times I supported him. Msny a time he tried to make me think she was 'sly' ( I could bloody kick myself I didn't tell him to fuck off right there and then)

It's really bloody hard to leave. It took me three attempts and I finally stayed away on the third one. I was a sucker for tears and new promises. I also had very low self esteem which made it easy for him to get me to see 'his point of view'

Start planning your exit love. You don't need to be knee jerk, just start planning now - get your finances and other stuff sorted while you have the time.

Honest to god, when you finally leave and stay gone you will feel like a new women.

Just seen your update about close family.

Tell them. They won't care. They love you.
If you are fortunate enough to have support now - use it

You have a way round this..Don't let pride stand in the way of happiness of you and all your children..

You are convalescing , you need support, people to help and take the pressure off..He is doing none of this..

Get him out and call in all your favours.. Phone someone today so they can get you drinks and something to eat. If you were my friend or even near me I would happily pop in.

Please phone your mum now. Ask her for help and tell your abusive husband to leave.
Your recovery both physical and mental will be much quicker when he has gone.

Thank you for all of your messages.
I can walk to get myself a drink, I am not allowed to lift anything too heavy, or bend or stretch etc, so I can raid the biscuit tin I will talk to my mum, I have a plan to ask her to look after DC 1&2 for a few weeks to keep them away from him. I'm just worried about staying strong, I know I sound pathetic but sometimes he is nice and I think I must exaggerate everything in my head so then I start to waiver and think everything will be okay. Anyone would think the surgeon had removed my backbone! I don't want to waiver but I know I will.

You stayed because you thought you would need his help.
He made those promises.
Once you were vulnerable he returned to being an abuser and upped the ante.
This tells you all you need to know!

If you stay, this is what you're signing up for and your childrens lives will be miserable!

No I think more sensible is to ask your mum to help you in the house not offload the DC's
What message is that sending everyone if he's the problem and they are not?
DC 3 and 4 are the more dependent of the children not the eldest - who will help you if he isn't there

sometimes he is nice

I'm sure even Ghengis Khan was sometimes nice but I'm not sure I'd want him to live with me and my children.

it's usually the adult acting like a selfish self absorbed child. Someone please tell me I'm wrong!

You're not wrong. I have a 10 year old who would have more emotional maturity.

Leaving a relationship which is going horribly wrong isn;t failing. Staying in a relationship which is going horribly wrong is failing - failing your children and failing yourself.

I think myusername is right. Would that be an option? To move him out and your mum in?

This time don't let him back or you and your kids will have to go through this upheaval for a third time. He's emotionally abusing your children and you're letting him.

Don't send the your first two to your mothers what ever you do.

They havnt done anything wrong, they will see it that way and your Dh will be lovely when they have gone and it may make it harder for you to accept the fault is with him not your children.

Op where is the DC father? He could go for custody for them if you do this.

Ask your mum to move in if you can but what ever you do - do not send those kids away.

Honestly OP I couldn't handle that. Jesus he sounds 'altered'. So all of this kicked off because your eldest DS didn't gush over 'D'H when they returned from the GP's your poor DS. He's not old enough to play these passive aggressive, emotionally 'adult' games.

As far as your DS is concerned your DH bullies him and scapegoats him whenever there's a problem. I can imagine DH makes everything about your DS. Your DS, although unable to understand the complexities of his stepfathers angst towards him - which is probably jealousy - will feel uneasy, insecure, low, uncomfortable, unwanted and blamed. He probably does act out and behaves like a little bugger but he's trying to figure out where he stands as his position in your family is unclear to him at the moment.

It might help for his own father were made aware (lightheartedly say that he and SD are not getting along) so that he can spoil him a little bit - he deserves it. Pull your ex up on his "busyness" if needs be. His children need him more than ever at the moment.

I would absolutely feel I had no choice whatsoever to ask your H to move back to his mums. I wouldn't do anymore therapy with him, he's a narcissist. I'd arrange weekend visits for his two DC's immediately as he's packing his bags. I wouldn't arrange it for your first two, what's th point? I'd tell him I have no choice, that living together is damaging everyone's happiness and you can't slow it to carry on.

Meanwhile I would enlist all the help you can get, your parents sound fab (my DM is on her knees after a morning with my two!) friends that can help with school runs. Throw a few bin liners in for a service wash if you can (sometimes that is like receiving a diamond to me).

Then I would bear down and make it through the next few months. It will be hard but your stronger than you know and above all of this you deserve some peace.

Wow, I really didn't see it like that, I was thinking asking my parents to look after them would be a good thing for them, they love it there and would see it as a treat. My exDH does know little pieces of what has happened, he knows my Dc 1&2 don't particularly like DH, I have asked him if he can have them a little more over the next few weeks due to my recovery but he refused, he is busy! My mum wouldn't move in with me, she would say we can all stay with her but it would be a squash and I would also have to leave my dog behind, I wouldn't trust DH to look after her and it's not like I could pop back during the day to walk her whilst he is at work.

The business with the counsellor is very typical of an abusive relationship. It's classic manipulation to make you feel even the counsellor is against you.

This is going to sound terrible but he's not the sharpest tool in the box so I find it hard to believe he could be purposely manipulative iyswim? I think he is incredibly immature, my mum thinks his problem with ds is about him being my exDH's son, she thinks it's in some weird way because he is a boy he thinks of him as an extension of my exDH which he has always hated for no real reason.

Also I think a squash at your mum's is better than this. Would she change her mind and come to yours if you really explained.

Also, although your dog is clearly important to you, she is not as important as your ds and DD. Can you get someone else to look afyer the dog for you?

Rocking- so much of what you say is true, I'm going to do this again and bloody stick to it this time. My DC all deserve to feel nothing but loved and wanted, their home should be their sanctuary and it's not. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my op, my head feels so fuzzy but things are looking a little clearer, I know what I need to do.

You have to leave. If you can't for you please leave for the sake of your child. He sounds like an absolute fucking arsehole!!!! Fancy leaving you to cope when you've just had surgery.

MLG I don't think she would come to mine, she has my dad and her own dog (who she treats like the son she never had) to look after. I could go there with the kids and I'm sure I could sort something out for my poor dog. I know DH is going to make everything as difficult as he can for me.

Just reread what the newest argument kicked off over. Your Dh has serious issues he is bullying your kids and trying to get you to punish them.

Op I think you need to speak to your mum about what is exactly happening - word for word. I think your perception is now skewed and your not seeing it for what it is.

Your clinging for those 'nice' times so are allowing yourself to talking in to agreeing that your kids are horrible.

Your now thinking of sending them away - to get them away from your bullying Dh when infact its your bully DH that needs to get out.

Your parents are even keeping them back to take the pressure of your bloody bully husband.

Wake up op

No wonder your son is crying for his dad and not wanting to gain over your husband.

Be very careful your ex does not decide to take the first two off you - as I would if you allowed this to continue or sent them away in favour of a adult bully.

Wake up op!

Yes jinglebells, you are so right.