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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunk husband will he stop?

231 replies

Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 20:59

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 14/08/2016 21:06

I can understand why you left but why on earth did you leave your 2 young kids in the care of a drunk?

Bogeyface · 14/08/2016 21:10

Well she did Her, it happened so questioning it now is hardly helpful is it?

OP I suggest that you wait until tomorrow (does he have work?) and ask him exactly wtf he thought he was doing. If he downplays it, denies it was a problem or makes you out to be a nagging shrew then yes, you have a problem.

If he is remorseful and sorry then you need to make it clear that he is never to drink when you have the kids with you ever again and that he sees a counsellor to help him deal with his obvious issues with alcohol. If he wont, well then you have a choice to make.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:14

I agree I shouldn't have left. I was afraid of him. I am the breadwinner and I go to work before everyone wakes up in the morning. He looks after the kids. As you can imagine getting them to come with me not him when he's twice the size of me and they think I'm being a killjoy and don't understand is a challenge I thought if avoid a fight. I didn't think he was so drunk he couldn't get the kids home. I just don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:16

You're comment really upset me because I am starting to worry that my kids are always in the care of a drunk. He just usually controls it better

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:16

God what a mess

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/08/2016 21:16

Are you often afraid of him? It sounds like there is more to this than him being drunk, although that is bad enough on its own.

Resilience16 · 14/08/2016 21:17

He won't change unless he wants to change. You can't change him.His drinking is damaging to you and your kids, as is his verbal abuse.
You say you had issues with this previously, what steps did the two of you take to try and resolve this last time, or was it just brushed under the carpet?
You need to get your kids out of this toxic relationship until he has admitted he has a problem and got help.It must have been horrendous for two little kids to see their mum walk off and leave them, and then be left trying to get a steaming drunk dad home. Please never put them in that situation again.
They deserve better and so do you.

Missgraeme · 14/08/2016 21:19

He usually controls it better
Reads to me as hides it better
I think u need to rethink him being your source of child care.

FramptonRose · 14/08/2016 21:21

Flowers for you.
We grew up with my dad being an abusive drunk.
We were always on eggshells with him and ended up witnessing domestic violence for about 4 years before my mother finally left him, I am not saying your DH would be violent but you come across a little scared of him.
Just wanted to tell you we begged our mum to leave our dad, it did her no favours, staying with him as she didn't want us to come from a broken home. We would have much preferred to come from a broken home, then grow up in unhappy household which then turned violent.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:21

We went to counselling because he had started to scare me and struck me a few times. I tried to leave and failed he was nice for a while. More recently he's denied the extent of earlier problems. But today reminded me they haven't gone away but it's very difficult. My mum died so I don't have support and I'm the one who works. They adore him and I guess I don't have the guts or the support at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:25

I feel like I have to fight to save it or all our lives will fall apart.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 14/08/2016 21:26

He is an arse. Disgusting behaviour, scary for the children to witness and a very poor example to set to them.

I'd be tempted to tell him that in no uncertain terms.

YouAreMyRain · 14/08/2016 21:26

He "struck" you? So he is violent and he assaulted you.
He is abusive. Counselling doesn't work with abusers, they manipulate the counsellor/ situation to their advantage.

I'm sorry but he will only get worse.

HerOtherHalf · 14/08/2016 21:26

It was meant to make her think about the reality of her situation bogeyface. Maybe stop to think before you jump to criticise. It's blatantly obvious why she left them with him. She needs to face up to the reality of that and the potential consequences.

Penfold007 · 14/08/2016 21:27

The way you write your post suggests, to me, that this is far from the first time he has got very drunk. You really shouldn't have left your children with him but you know that.
If he's that drunk now he isn't going to be fit to care for them tomorrow. Is there anyone else who can help out tomorrow? If not you need to look after them then when he is sober and not hung over you both need a serious and frank discussion.
He may not be fit to take care of the children.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:27

I will I'm not shy but I need to be so careful.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 14/08/2016 21:27

Your kids are in control of a drunk. What do you think you will do about it?

Bogeyface · 14/08/2016 21:27

So, he is a violent drunk who incites your young children to ape his behaviour?

Women's Aid will help you, they really will.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:28

I apologised to the boys profusely and have gotten them to bed. He's unconscious in a pool of sick in the bathroom.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/08/2016 21:29

His life might fall apart and you can't do anything to prevent that. But if you leave you can control whether your life and the lives of your children fall apart.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 21:30

This a man everyone loves who loves his children more than anything if I make a move I lose custody and my home. If suggest the extent he loses access and they grow up hating me as they idolise him I don't know how to sort out the mess.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/08/2016 21:30

HOH

I see what you are saying, but I still dont think it helps.

I have been on here so long that you get a bit pissed off when people post "Why did you do X?! You should have done......" like when people have a go at an abused woman for having kids with her abuser, how is that helpful?

She said that she didnt realise how drunk he was and was trying to avoid a fight with a violent man. I am sure that if we took her back a few hours, she wouldnt do the same thing again.

mummytime · 14/08/2016 21:30

You are the one who works. You have power. Even more if you can show just how unfit he is to care for them. Have you ever had the police involved?
Contact women's aid. If anyone has witnessed his behaviour that might be helpful for you.

If it goes on like this you will have SS becoming involved. As eventually someone will report an extreme drunk in charge of young children.

mummytime · 14/08/2016 21:32

If you don't do anything they will end up hating you for not protecting them from him or will become like him, either way you lose.

Bogeyface · 14/08/2016 21:32

If you can get him to acknowledge what he did in writing, such as email or text, then that will help when you against him for residence.

Also, is your home really worth your kids living this life? You can take them with you and then get your half of the house's worth in the divorce. You work and earn, you can start again without this violent abuser destroying you and your kids lives.