Drunk husband will he stop?

[Yellowjumper47]

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

[Bogeyface]

Lets take it apart.

Why would you lose your job? Many many single parents work and manage ok, why wouldnt you?
Why is looking after your kids alone more daunting than looking after them while trying to protect them from his drinking and violence, as you are doing now?
A home is not bricks and mortar. Home is where you feel happy and safe. You can create a new home, especially as you are the main earner.

His reaction is a valid fear, but not one that should stop you. The police will stop him harrassing or hurting you, you must not be afraid to call them. Who gives a shit "What the neighbours say"? So people find out that he is an abusive drunk, so what? That wont reflect badly on you at all.

[PickAChew]

You're not the one who is destroying anything. Every time he gets pissed, threatens you, raises a hand to you, scares the kids, he is destroying your family. Not you.

Your priority needs to be to protect the kids from him, though.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Disgusting behaviour from your husband.

You said you've been scared of him for a while, got so drunk so quick and left your boys with him.

That's so worrying you did this. 200 yards or not! What made you think it was OK?

I really hope you get the courage to leave him. Don't let your children grow up around this.

Hope you can find some comfort from those close to you.

[PrettyBotanicals]

There is a lot to destroy before this can get better if I'm to break it apart

You have not destroyed anything.

You are trying to save lives here. Your children's lives will be destroyed if you stay with this man while he drinks.

You can't control a thing he does.

You can ask him to leave. If he refuses, you leave with the children.

Do you own your house?

Does he contribute financially at all?

Look at child care. Nanny? Au pair? After-school clubs? Flexible working or working from home for a while?

Your employer. Decent occupational health dept? Speak to them first thing.

Do you have local friends? Mutual friends? Anyone that could be with you so he curbs the fists?

[FeckingTwatBadger]

I was in your situation. ExH minded our 2 DCs while I worked. I had to take lots of days off work when he was too hungover or drunk to mind the kids.
I did manage to leave once and he started going to AA and I took him back. He didn't drink for a year but I spent the whole year on eggshells, afraid I might do or say something to start him drinking again. Of course he did start drinking again and it was immediately much worse than before.
Al-anon, for friends and families of alcoholics, really helped me. It was amazing to be in a room of people who just knew what I was going through. Eventually I had the courage to finish things for good and my life is 100 times better.
Google Al-anon and find a local meeting.
Good luck.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

You risk Social Services taking the children off you if you don't go. You also risk your sons having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and their partners in future as you are making this situation normal. Has he ever been abusive to the kids? If not while drunk, what about when hungover?

My ex is a nasty drunk. He's never nasty in front of work colleagues but is extremely unpredictable when drinking with partners. His parents and brothers are heavy drinkers too. When they get drunk they are verbally and physically abusive and I've wondered how much is genetics and how much is learned behaviour. Ex knows he has an alcohol problem (and the kids are well aware too) but can't quit drinking. He currently has the kids once a fortnight and agrees to abstain from alcohol during that time. The kids are old enough to tell me if he falls off the wagon and are able to get a taxi in an emergency. For the kids, this is the best solution. They don't see their dad drunk any more which is positive.

[FeckingTwatBadger]

I meant to say that, like you, I felt that I couldn't leave because I had no childcare. The first time I left I took sick leave from work instead of sorting out any childcare. I was seriously depressed, as I imagine you may be, but now I look back and wonder why I was so terrified of having to sort out childcare. It's not that hard, really. Get in touch with your local children's centre, if you still have one, or county council and find out what your options are. There is loads of help available, you just need to ask.
My partner's drinking made me more bonkers than him. Living with a drinker really fucks you up, no doubt about it.

[Chinks123]

As a child who often had to care for her drunk father, which included carrying him home (in the dark once on holiday, he then fell over and I couldn't shift his weight) helping him get undressed, laying down bin liners in his bed for when he wet it (he always did when drunk) and making sure he didn't choke on his own vomit, your op struck a cord with me as I get what the boys will have felt being left with him.

What's done is done but please don't leave them with him whilst he's drunk again, it's very scary for a child. My dad used to be vvvv aggressive when drunk-never aimed towards me but would get into fights in pubs whilst I was there and it was awful.

Sober he was brilliant and i love him to the ends of the earth but a drunk parent is not fit to care for a child. By the way my mum had no idea any of this happened as I hid it from her as I knew I wouldn't be allowed to see him anymore.
You said you were scared of him, so your boys probably were too. I'm not having a go op but please don't ever leave them with him again whilst he's drunk. None of this is your fault but they need protecting from it.

[Chinks123]

*im not saying your boys have to do any of those things I mentioned, I just mean I know what's it's like to be around a drunk parent.

[MrsGsnow18]

I'm sorry OP that you are having to live with this he has a problem with alcohol. It might not seem like he is an alcoholic to him but it certainly sounds like he has some big issues with it.

There are obviously big decisions ahead for you.
If he is a good husband/father when sober and the drinking is the only problem, do you think he could get help and quit?

If there are other issues/he's not willing to or you have tried before and been let down by him etc. Then maybe for everyone's safety you will have to seek advice about separation etc.

This may not be a helpful suggestion but I think you should film him in this drunken state. Surely anyone seeing themselves so drunk that they are pissing on the floor will realise that they are damaging their children's lives and would want to change? Alcohol is an addiction, it would not be easy but I think if he admitted he needed help and wanted to stop for his children's sake then that would be a first step.

[loveyoutothemoon]

eyebrows is right, SS will step in and there will be a risk of your children being taken off the both of you. You've really got to think of yourself and them, as hard as it is.

Be strong

[Yellowjumper47]

My job is 60hrs a week and not remotely flexible. I don't worry about neighbours for me I worry about my DSs, but I get the picture.
By the way want everyone to know I made a huge mistake leaving them today. I'm so sorry and can't believe what I put the boys through. Well their bubble has burst they haven't really ever witnessed this side of him properly before. And my eldest trying to behave like a grown up is utterly shaming and heart breaking. But tbh I'm more afraid of tomorrow now. I don't have anywhere to go. I have work.
My husband is the product of parents who stayed together until he was much older and hated each other father an abusive drunk. I'm from a normal loving family and can't get over wanting to love everyone and give them chances to be better. No one in my family ever been much more than dull or slightly too self sufficient. Alarmed and shocked by my own situation.

[Yellowjumper47]

By the way I genuinely don't think ss will give a damn not have a clue unless I tell them. On the outside we are privileged and happy we simply aren't a family they will have a clue about unless I tell them. No one knows except me. It's not the point clearly but this is not my fear.

[Chinks123]

Videoing is a good idea, not wanting to prattle on about myself again, but my dsm once videoed my dad. It wasn't pleasant viewing, he cried and promised to change. It lasted a few days. I think it depends if he is an alcoholic or just enjoys getting pissed, if it's the latter it should make him change.

[Yellowjumper47]

I'm going to focus short term on stopping the drinking recording the problem . I don't want to use police etc if I don't have to. If he can face his problem perhaps we can find solutions. He will definitely be ashamed and embarrassed tomorrow as the boys will mention it a lot.

[3weeksthankgod]

I don't think your young boys idolised their father when he was collapsed in the street instead of safely getting them home.

[YouAreMyRain]

SS might not have a clue now, but you cannot control that in the future.

Someone who knows your family may have driven past and recognised your DH drunk with the boys, they could report.

Your boys could mention it to anyone at anytime, teacher, friends parent etc and they could report.

You have to protect yourself from accusations by SS that you knowingly placed them at risk of harm by leaving them with your drunk DH.

This is serious!

I've been investigated by SS (long story but everything was fine) and I'm a professional person with no prior experience of SS. It's horrible and shocking and stressful to be in that situation and you can't control what info gets out there.

[Yellowjumper47]

No it's sadder than that they wanted to help thought he was dying or Ill. They are little remember. They were scared but wanted to look after him. When i was putting them to bed they wanted to keep checking he was okay. Didn't believe me when I tried to reassure then didn't trust my answers that he would be okay in the morning. It was horribly horribly sad.

[YouAreMyRain]

You can't stop him drinking. Only he can do that.
Al anon may be helpful . They support anyone who affected by another persons drinking

[Yellowjumper47]

I've looked up al-anon one near my work at lunchtime tomorrow. I've sent him a detailed email out lining what he did how bad I think it is and that he has serious choices to make.
Emphasised alcohol vs family and losing children. For tonight that's what I can do.

[BeenThereDoneThatForgotten]

How on earth did he manage to get that drunk at a football game?

[YouAreMyRain]

Yes, how did he get drunk at a football game??

Are you in the uk?

[Yellowjumper47]

Posh bit drinks/lunch beforehand.

[BeenThereDoneThatForgotten]

I mean, I've been in the executive box before where the wine flows freely, but generally on the stands it's not there is a beer pipe. You either have a few before or after, but not so much during. There isn't the time.

[Yellowjumper47]

Trust me me when H wants to get drunk he goes for it and drinks chosen alcohol like water. What I don't understand is why today. Daytime, with children, Sunday so work tomorrow. The occasion have excuse I think.