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Original poster

Drunk husband will he stop?

231 replies

Yellowjumper47 · 14/08/2016 20:59

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/08/2016 00:50

But I am still disgusted that you called her going to work as swanning off btw

3weeksthankgod · 15/08/2016 05:19

Do you actually trust him to be the main carer for your children? Was this episode a one-off? Does he normally drink in the day? What does he do with his time when they are in school?

If you are not ready to end the relationship I think you should find alternative childcare for your sons and he can get back to work. Long term this will help your children remain with you. As for you deciding to concentrate on sorting out his drinking, that's not your job, only he can do that.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 07:33

I thought I did. He'd set himself a rule of not drinking during the week during term time and now it's holidays seems to have sent him completely off the rails. He has always had a problem of not knowing when to stop. But as I say we've had prior issues that I thought we'd moved on from.

OP posts:
3weeksthankgod · 15/08/2016 07:39

Is there a reason he can't/doesn't work?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2016 07:50

Yellow,

Alcoholism is truly a family disease and does not just affect the alcoholic.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Again that word "adore" re the children; your children do not adore their dad so much as are afraid of him. Stop using that word right now with reference to your children, they are afraid of him and are becoming super responsible for him as well (one of many damaging effects of being with an alcoholic parent).

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Did you grow up yourself in a household where parents or other family relations drank heavily? What made you choose this man as a DH?.
He likely has had a drink problem of many years standing.

You are with an alcoholic and you are lurching from crisis to crisis. This is what life is like with such people; its no life at all for you and your children. This man's primary relationship is with drink; its not with you or your children. His thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

You are also playing out the roles associated with partners of alcoholics; i.e. provoker (you never forget) and enabler. You work and use him as childcare; that now has to change. You also left him drunk in charge of your children at a football match due to your own shame and embarrassment at being in that situation at all.

Do not cover up or excuse him any more; start opening up to other people. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

I would also look carefully at your future within this because currently you and your children are being dragged down with him. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not the shite role model of one. They are already wanting to look after him and they are being damaged by seeing their drunkard dad. They run a real risk of becoming alcoholics as well or choosing an alcoholic partner, that could all too easily happen if you choose to stay because they will learn to normalise all this. You cannot protect them from his alcoholism and its effects; you're profoundly affected by his drinking too.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have fully extricated your own self from the situation whilst addressing your own role in it. Co-dependency often features in these types of marriages all too frequently.

E-mailing him etc will be a waste of time because all he will hear from you is white noise. It is no point in talking to him now, you can only help your own self here and you need to divorce this man. This man could also lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. You cannot control what he does or will do.

You need to get yourself and your children out of this relationship, there is nothing to rescue and or save here. Seek legal advice re your own situation and also get support from Al-anon. Womens Aid can also help you here; their number is 0808 2000 247.

FuckyNell · 15/08/2016 07:56

Best of luck today op 💐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2016 07:57

Yellow

re your comments:-

"He'd set himself a rule of not drinking during the week during term time and now it's holidays seems to have sent him completely off the rails. He has always had a problem of not knowing when to stop".

So he has tried bargaining with his own self. That never works. He cannot stop drinking alcohol because he is an alcoholic; that self control is not there. BTW did his own parents drink heavily?

" But as I say we've had prior issues that I thought we'd moved on" from".

No you have not. Not even moved on even a little bit. Those issues are still very much in your marriage and are at the forefront of it. In the meantime you and your children are caught in that crossfire.

Will things change now, is what happened yesterday the kick up the backside you yourself need to make a better life for you and your children?. Life with an alcoholic is no life at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2016 07:58

Talking to your GP will also be a useful way of putting stuff on record.

blinkowl · 15/08/2016 08:04

Emailing is good if he replies because the OP needs evidence of his drinking.

It''s essential she gets some evidence of his drinking before leaving otherwise she risks a court awarding him custody as he's the primary carer.

That's not a reason not to leave! But just one thing she must ensure happens on the road to leaving. Visiting Al Anon and talking to Women's Aid should help. They can advise how to get his behaviour on record.

PeppaJetta · 15/08/2016 08:08

Disclaimer: This goes against all 'proper' advice but fuck it, it worked for me.

Dh had a problem, was verbally aggressive when drunk, couldn't 'cut down' it would always creep back up.

I wouldn't say he was at full alcoholic stage at all but definitely problem drinking, 'needed' it to have fun/when he was sad/happy etc.

One night his dm came around because she had fallen out with his df, a drunken row (again) and clear as day I saw my and my children's future if things stayed as they were. It would go on and on through the generations...

Something snapped.

I told him it was the drink or his family. And I bloody well meant it. I had my life as a single parent completely planned out, to the last detail. And I 100% knew that from that day we wouldn't have to put up with it anymore, one way or another.

He chose us.

It wasn't easy for the first years after. Dh started off resenting me and almost trying to make me in to his jailor.

Until I pointed out I wasn't his mother, I wasn't going to stand over him and 'make' him not drink.

BUT if he ever got drunk and verbally nasty again that was it, the ultimatum would stand for the rest if the relationship. No second chances. No begging would work. The end.

We are at a very happy place now where dp no longer drinks at home unless it is a special occasion or is on holiday and has not once gotten stinking drunk and vile again.

I think it only worked because I absolutely meant and still mean it.

I read that it wound damage our relationship but for us it has made it much stronger, happier and able to have a relaxing family home.

Footle · 15/08/2016 08:21

Peppajetta, it's dangerous and useless to suggest that the OP should try that now. Her situation is different and she's further down the line.

PeppaJetta · 15/08/2016 08:32

Ah sorry if just read the op, didn't realise the husband had physically assaulted her.

Scratch that op. Different kettle of fish.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 09:08

Oh crap he's basically saying no ones perfect and he's worked super hard this summer with children etc. Quit criticising him look at the wonderful things he's done and criticised me basically for being at work.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 15/08/2016 09:13

So you stayed home from work?

Of course he's saying that yellow.

He's an alcoholic in denial. Did he show no remorse over what he did to those boys??

onanotherday · 15/08/2016 09:13

...Flowersfor you and the dc's. I've been in a similar situation...loved sbxh ...tried everything....but ultimately it was never enough...BUT what was worse took 5 years to realise that....and that's a long time in a child's life.Sad...hard I know but take the focus off HIM and plan for you and DC's. If he comes to his senses great...but let him do it alone.

YouAreMyRain · 15/08/2016 09:21

Please read Attilas posts. Then read then again. And again.

Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 09:23

He's saying he can stop drinking anytime, that I'm useless with them that I criticise their food and that I've got a temper. That I drink too much too. ( I entertain for work but not every week but rarely drink at home at all as I don't want to encourage him). I'm suddenly confused. He's basically implying I'm abusive not him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 09:24

Saying I undermine him oh god what a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowjumper47 · 15/08/2016 09:26

Food thing is because he feeds them a lot of crap and I'm frustrated I can't change that because I'm at work. It's a crap argument all round for everyone. I'm getting lost in the detail.

OP posts:
newname99 · 15/08/2016 09:34

In his mind he has reasons to drink.He isn't sorry and can't see what is wrong.

I left a drunk when dc around 5, hard decision but best decision for my dc.Children cannot grow up normally with a problem drinker.M y ex was a drinker and grew up with an alcoholic father.I chose to break the cycle.My dc adored their fun dad, until they got older and saw how drinking impacted him.

It feels overwhelming to leave.I was also the full-time worker in a professional role and ex mostly stayed home.You can do it, take the first step, see a solicitor, do something today to protect your children.

I grieved for my marriage, it was like a bereavement but looking back I can't imagine how I could have stayed.My ex went on to have another relationship and dc (he's very charming and can hold it all together for some years) but sadly that has ended for exactly the same reasons as our marriage did.You can't cure a drinker.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/08/2016 09:36

Do not listen to him.
He is trying to manipulate and scare you. He has a lot to lose if you leave

Please stick with your plan of going to an Al anon meeting. You really need that R L support from people who know what they are talking about

I wish you all the best. Please stay strong, you can create a beautiful happy future for you and your boys

loveyoutothemoon · 15/08/2016 09:38

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

You don't seem to want to acknowledge what we're saying about social services. Someone will have seen him with the boys or the boys might say something to someone. Social services will see that you were aware but did nothing if you stay with him.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 15/08/2016 09:42

Well of COURSE he's saying that

It's a bloody script. Pretty much word for word...

Bogeyface · 15/08/2016 09:44

You see, it has to be your fault. Because if it isnt your fault then its his fault and he cannot contemplate that, so he will find any reason at all that will "prove" that its actually down to you.

In fact all it really proves is that he is deep deep into denial about the drinking, but also about his abusive behaviour. Many abusers will try and say that their victim is the abusive one and that they are simply reacting to the abuse that they receive. This isnt true but they need it to be because in their heads they are not abuser and again, will find any reason they can for it to not be their fault.

PrettyBotanicals · 15/08/2016 09:55

He's attacking you because that will create doubt and confusion in your mind and divert focus away from his addiction and yesterday's disgusting display of uncontrollable drinking.

Do not get bogged down in it.

He feeds your kids crap, abuses you and is an alcoholic.

Your children deserve so much better.

Are you at work now?