Drunk husband will he stop?

[Yellowjumper47]

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

Like many alcoholics Yellow he is in denial; he has to blame someone else and that person is you. What he is doing is projecting his own self onto you; he is really the abusive one here. Its all part of his overall script and that script is a well worn one employed by abusive men.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. As you have not answered that I would presume that you get nothing out of it. What does that tell you?.

You cannot save him or help him, you have to detach and remove yourself and your children from his life. Your children only have one childhood and it is being ruined by their dad's alcoholism. Your life is being ruined also by your H's alcoholism. It is truly a family disease; you are all caught up in his alcoholism.

I wish it was that black and white. When he's sober and happy it's an idyllic family life. Although he says every one walks on egg shells around me.

I forgot to say that the self imposed rules around his drinking are a big giveaway. In his head, because he doesnt drink during the week or during term time or until a certain time of day etc it proves that he is not an alcoholic as an alcoholic wouldnt be able to do that. Except that they do. Trying to show control over alcohol is a very common theme.

He knows he is on notice we've had a really good year I had some time off and have a new job. But I relaxed into thinking it was okay to drink. That he had learned his lesson now I'm really confused.

I really thought he'd at least apologise

Apologising implies that he did something wrong, and he doesnt want to accept that fact, so he wont apologise and will keep on blaming you.

He's saying a true friend would rally around and support a moment of weakness'.

That is typical of what abusive men come out with as well; its pure projection. He is projecting what he himself does onto you. Its a tactic that abusive men often employ against their victims.

Do you really have an idyllic family life when he is sober and happy or is that simply the ideal you want?. Why do you use such words?. I do not ever think your children would describe life at home as at all idyllic; they would probably describe it as a warzone where dad is conducting his own private war against mum. You do not think life at home is at all idyllic do you?.

I would ask you how often that is now the case these days. Such occasions if they do at all happen now are very few and far between, it certainly was not yesterday. I would think that he is never not fully stone cold sober but is always on a comedown from alcohol.

You have a choice re this man Yellow; your children do not. They have to follow your lead.

Abusers almost always play the 'if you loved me you'd support me' card.

And it works. You've been conditioned so it works.

But this is not about you. It's about those children because you can chose to stay and.they have no choice.

The only reason SS aren't at your door is because the dc weren't in school so didn't tell someone who has a duty to report it.

As it it, you're lucky someone didn't call the police. Actually, you're not lucky. I think that would have been a blessing.

Oh, I hadn't read Atila's post but what she said!

"I really thought he'd at least apologise"

I did smile wryly to myself when I read that comment of yours; apologising is the last thing he will ever do.

You still have a lot to learn about alcoholism and this shows me how deep you are in his alcoholism. You need to find your way out of this rather than keeping on digging a hole for yourself to grow flowers in.

What he did was not a moment of weakness and why should you be the one to rally around him?. You've already done that at great cost to your own self. You thought your problems were behind you.

It is only when you have fully extricated yourself from him will you realise the extent to which he and his inherent alcoholism has controlled you and your children. Abuse after all is about power and control; he wants absolute over you as well.

Yellowjumper I have had almost exactly the same scenario last night with my dh. I am in bits too. I can't see a way forward, but I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted too polly. I can't quite work out how I ended up here.

I don't really understand how to get out with responsibility for paying the mortgage and the children don't see how everything doesn't get a lot worse.

polly

Seek support from Al-anon in the first instance and think about also getting legal advice particularly if you have children. Forewarned is forearmed.

Alcoholism is a family disease and one that does not just affect the alcoholic. You can only help your own self here polly; the 3cs of alcoholism also apply to your own situation.

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

'Everyone walks on eggshells around me'. Maybe they do - I don't know you. Or maybe he enlists the boys against you to protect his chosen way of life.

"I don't really understand how to get out with responsibility for paying the mortgage and the children don't see how everything doesn't get a lot worse".

I think your children have seen far too much already in their young lives and they will be in for more of the same as well. He won't change and their dad is also abusive towards you as their mum. You want them to learn that about relationships?. You're also getting bogged down in detail (re the first part of your sentence).

Do you really think that separating from their dad will make things a lot worse for them?. How would that be so?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

It doesn't get a lot worse because you won't be driven to walk away from your children leaving them to take care of a man so drunk he lies in a pool of his own vomit.

It doesn't get a lot worse because they will have a safe, happy environment to go to sleep in knowing that the parent in charge of them won't prioritise alcohol over their safety.

It doesn't get a lot worse because you won't be encouraging terrible behavior in them that will shape the men they become.

And that's just for a start...

It won't be easy. But it won't be worse.

You cannot and have not been able to protect them fully from his alcoholism.

Where is your own anger here at him?.

I'm past angry. I'm sad and scared. I used to get angry. With a very pressurised job he is their source of security not me. Which is clearly now a huge problem in every sense.

I gave up a yr ago and he woke up and a year later he's fallen.

You know, there are ways around all of your financial and childcare problems.

I'm not saying it would be a walk in the park but there is a way.

You have to want it though.

Why isn't he working?

He early a lot less than cost of childcare and he thought help was inferior to a parent being at home.

Could you afford a Nanny or Au Pair? Is there after school care? Or even regular babysitters plus holiday clubs.
Depending on income levels you may be able to access more benefits without him (and less council tax.)
Your employer might be able to help with emergency child care. And your mortgage provider might be sympathetic to a short term "holiday" or an extension to the term while you sort things out.
Hopefully alanon will help get your thinking clear.

Long term yes but can't afford anything in next 6-12months. Things very tight.