Drunk husband will he stop?

[Yellowjumper47]

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

What's ss? Everyone knows he likes a drink but no one has seen any of the dark side of what I sometimes deal with.

Oh yellowjumper, hug for you. You are in a difficult situation. Please speak to Women's Aid for some practical advice on leaving this abusive relationship. Couples counselling is generally not recommended where one partner is abusive. You would probably get more out of going to counselling on your own to work on getting your self esteem up.
Abusers do tend to be nice or try the "poor me"s when you try to leave.
This situation won't get better tho, it will get worse. The longer you stay, the more you will get ground down.
Your kids may well adore him but that doesn't mean it is right to stay.
Try speaking to Al Anon also, they support the families of drinkers.
Also keep putting the abuse in writing, it is harder to minimise when it's there in black and white.

Everyone thinks he's a kind loving father who'd do anything for his kids

This a man everyone loves who loves his children more than anything

Apart from booze.

He loves drinking more. More than you, more than them, more than his dignity.

Please don't make excuses for his behaviour and please don't think that if your kids love their dad then it's better for him to be in their lives.

If you do a bit of reading you'll realise that they will be profoundly damaged long term by being around a drunk parent.

They might be upset short-term but you are the adult and you need to protect them from this selfish,M dangerous addiction.

Please get help as soon as you can.

He's lying in a pool of vomit?

He should leave as soon as he can walk.

Who is around to help you?

Evidence. You need to collect as much evidence of his behaviour as you can.

And when you are at work and safe, call Women's Aid.

When your children are teenagers they will be more aware of their behaviour of their dad. I still cringe at my mum's behaviour and if I suspect she's drinking we leave as she gets nasty and my kids don't deserve that!

I don't have any real help that's why I'm on here. I agree with everything I'm not stupid. In just a bit alone lost and afraid. Of how to alter the future. Of doing it all alone of having cross boys who won't understand. Of losing my ability to work to sort this out how do I look after them. Of him minimising this when I'm short of options.

SS is social services.

You won't lose custody if you separate. He is an abusive drunk. You need to get that recorded as proof.

However, you could have both lost custody of them today (or taken a step in that direction) if a passing police car had seen him " in charge" of your boys and found out that you walked off.

Yellow sadly he's a man who puts alcohol before his children. Take some photos of him now in his passed out in a pool of vomit state. You need to speak to someone, his parents, your parents, social services who ever it takes to protect your children. I really sorry you are going through this.

Are you American OP?

Ok.

Can you ask him to leave when he's sober? Show him pictures himself in the sick?
Does he have any mates who would have a word and encourage him to go away and get sober?
Did you report him for DV when he hit you?

You can do it all alone. Lots of people do. You can sort childcare etc.
You feel you can't because your self esteem has been eroded by being in a relationship with an abusive violent alcoholic.

I'm a single parent of three, two with significant needs.

My friends is a single parent of three. Neither of us have any family around locally.

It's a terrifying thing to consider but you can do it

I can hear him moving so going to pretend to be asleep. Can't talk to him like this need to wait until tomorrow he'll go nuts if he thinks I've said anything to anyone

Take a photo of him if he is passed out in a pool of his own sick. Start keeping evidence such as that.

Record him if you can on your mobile, stuff such as that.

Of course your sons love him, but that doesnt mean that he is a good parent. I have a friend who worked as an advocate for children in the care system, her job was to tell the case workers what the children wanted. It broke her heart to have to say that the children of parents who physically abused them, sexually abused them, neglected them etc wanted to go home because they loved and missed their mums and dads.

Loving him doesnt mean that staying with him is good for them.

Clear your internet history.

Never keep signed in on MN, make sure that you need to sign in each time and change your password regularly, same with your emails.

Whatever else you do, keep safe xxx

he'll go nuts if he thinks I've said anything to anyone

Are you afraid of him?

That will make it hard, but it will be worse if he hurts you again, and if your boys witness it, or worse, because you couldn't find courage.

There are people who will help you, but you must be prepared to put your children before your fear and his ego.

He's pissed all over the floor and collapsed on the bed I've retreated to sofa.
I'm British.
I need to put my children first. That's what's ringing in my head. I'm still not sure what I can practically do to make that possible.

We're a swimmingly nice middle class family on the outside. There is a lot to destroy before this can get better if I'm to break it apart.

Sorry OP, just picked up on the use of 'gotten'. The reason I asked is that an English person can use Women's Aid for information and help in your situation.

...or British, I presume.

I'm terrified of all of this, of losing my job, of looking after my kids alone. Of him and what he'll do / say. Of losing my home.

Thank you all though. I guess I was in denial and thought someone might have thoughts or solutions or think differently. The unanimous view (so unusual on mumsnet) is a clear message in itself. I'm clearly as F&&ed as I feared.

The most practical thing you can do to help your children is to get out of this relationship.
Their hurt or upset at seeing you split is likely to be less than the continued hurt, upset and confusion at his unpredictable and controlling behaviour.

You feel like you can't leave - this suits him beautifully.

To reiterate - the clearest way to put the children first is to get them out of an abusive household.

Also, you're now less f*ed than you were, as you've had unanimous confirmation that something needs to change. It's a journey and you've taken such an important step.

You don't want cross boys.

But would you prefer dead boys?

I'm NOT blaming you but leaving them today was very dangerous. Anything could have happened to them.

Your fear of him made you do it. You're not a bad mother or a bad person. But the idea of what could have happened...

Meanwhile, what happens next time he's drunk and they piss him off?

You need to get you and your boys away from him.