Drunk husband will he stop?

[Yellowjumper47]

My family (2ds aged 5 and 6) and husband went to first football game today. Dh got so drunk so fast that by the end of the game I was embarrassed of his and the boys behaviour. So cross I left. He was encouraging boys to shout offensive things and we weren't even in the right area - posh seats. Everyone staring at us. I tried to discourage boys and he egged them on. In the end I left as just a short walk home thought it would be okay. But as I sat at home waiting took them and hr to return. Boys were distraught. Dh had been falling over all the way home it took them an hour to come maybe 200yds. He then collapsed in the hall way and poor children confused. I'm devastated, embarrassed and confused. He has form with drinking but we had troubles and I thought they'd gone now I'm scared am on Rocky road again. Sitting waiting for boys to fall asleep as they're confused and upset. Not really sure what to do. Also feel horribly guilty that I left but I know I couldn't have easily stayed without him verbally abusing me and hadn't realised quite how drunk he was.

[Yellowjumper47]

I didn't take photos last night as it was dark once boys were asleep and I was afraid of flashlight alerting him. I'm also going to talk to him maybe I can convince him to divorce amicably rather than acrimoniously.

[Yellowjumper47]

I know from al anon that the alcoholic stay at home can quite often win custody I can't be naive if I run away and can't take them what's the point?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What does he do with these children to care for them whilst you are at work?. How does he bother with them at all or does he simply sit there and drink in your absence?. What if he turns up drunk at school for the pick up or drop off?

Unless you have already sought legal advice I do not think you can immediately assume that your own legal position is poor.

[Yellowjumper47]

They have summer camps meet friends in the park, other families/children.go camping. Messing about on rivers. I know you don't believe me but the reason I was still there is because it is usually idyllic for them at least.

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

The start on a paper trail - not photos and recordings but proper history. You did in the past attend counselling where dv and his drinking was an issue? Make an urgent gp apt and share the full extent of what is happening with her or him.
Get urgent advice of women's aid.

[Yellowjumper47]

Cricket after sports clubs. He really isn't what you imagine.... Except he is. So I have to leave but it is super complicated it's real life. They were shocked the boys because they haven't seen him like that before he's normally their strong father who looks after them. It's only me who usually sees all of this.

[Kr1stina]

You're right yellow, you need to be smart and careful

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

Sorry to be blunt. You are minimising and backtracking. If it was a one off where he got drunk and misbehaved spectacularly shocking the children that is one thing. But you have given the back story and the boys behaviour suggests role reversal and hypervigilance and that does suggest they have seen and felt much more than you think.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your boys do not need an alcoholic parent in their day to day lives. Saying that he takes them to sports club is not going to at all cut it with them (it does not make it ok) and he is likely drunk there as well. A lot of people saw what happened to you and your family yesterday and saw your H drunk. Your Hs thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from and any social occasion like a football match, party or wedding is an ideal opportunity to get completely hammered. His primary relationship is not with you, its with alcohol and that is a cruel mistress as you have already seen all too clearly.

So you have stayed till now for them. Staying primarily for the children is rarely if ever a good idea. They have also seen his abuses of you, they do not have to be in the same room as you both for them to notice that something is badly amiss at home. Children are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes, good and bad. They are likely already feeling super responsible for their dad and that is one of many emotional problems associated primarily with children of alcoholic parents.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Yellow - I was the child in that situation. Believe me, your children know a lot more than you think.

I saw my dad chasing my mum down the street with a poker. I saw her drive him home and open the passenger door and him fall out onto the drive. I saw him hit her. I heard him scream at her when we were supposed to be fast asleep.

My dad taught me to swim, to ski and to ride a bike. Lots of people thought he was a great dad and he was in a lot of ways. He was also an abusive alcoholic.

[ButtercreamIcing]

What if he gets drunk and angry and strikes you again?

I really feel that a lot of posters missed the bit about him being violent in the past.

He is so out of control that he was drunk in the care of your little boys and vomited/pissed himself.

He is now angry with you about this and blaming you, calling you abusive, scapegoating you. It feels like a ticking time bomb and I really think you need to GET OUT.

I know it means leaving your middle-class bubble but anyone middle-class is one step away from sliding into homelessness, things like this are the way in which it happens!

It's not your fault, but this is crisis point, and I think you need to act - take legal advice, call women's aid.

Fuck the mortgage, fuck the summer camps and cricket.

This is a man who laid on your bathroom floor in a puddle of vomit, pissed himself and messed around with your little boys' heads - not to mention yours. He is disgusting and you need to get away from him.

[Yellowjumper47]

I agree I really do but I also have to succeed.

[Kr1stina]

Guys, she KNOWS she has to leave . But she can't just walk out now.

There's no record of his drink problem or the DV. He's the main carer.

She could end up losing her house and kids and having to pay him child support.

[Waltermittythesequel]

How has he been today, Yellow?

I think you're doing the right thing by getting your ducks in a row. But don't let him manipulate you. You deserve so much better than this.

[ButtercreamIcing]

Yes, but as others have said she is also still minimising on occasion and it's important that there's no wavering, or the mortgage etc. can easily become excuses to postpone it, rather than just practical barriers.

[Yellowjumper47]

Lynda I'm so sorry you went through this. K1stina thankyou for understanding.
Your messages have been heart breaking but also reassuring. I'm not going mad. I'm not a perfect person but this is too much for anyone to manage. I am now in a process and as much as we all wish I could take my children in the night I also know I can do better than that. Some legal advice and counselling can help me get out with my finances and custody in tact and hopefully in a way that means I don't antagonise him into doing something stupid.

[Yellowjumper47]

I'm not minimising I know this man and I know he can be dangerous and drunk and I no longer want that in my life but he's not a lay about and he is clever and will fight and I have to be in a position to win. If he gets custody what is the point in all this.

[Yellowjumper47]

If I'm homeless discredited and without employment I'm not much use to the bous

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Some legal advice and counselling can help me get out with my finances and custody in tact and hopefully in a way that means I don't antagonise him into doing something stupid".

Yes re the first part of your sentence. I would urge you to seek such advice and further counselling asap. I have already mentioned WA to you.

TBH I think whatever you decide going forward re separating from him will antagonise him; he is not going to let go of you at all easily and he could well make a separation as long and protracted as possible. This would be done and seen by him as your punishment for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

[blinkowl]

Please can you all stop shouting at the OP to leave now. If her DP is the primary carer and she has no proof of abuse the possibility of loosing her DC is very real indeed.

Of course she needs to leave, but just taking off with the DC without proper legal advice / talking to organisations like Women's Aid would be very unwise.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I absolutely second blinks post. It sucks, of course it sucks. But if op has no evidence of previous abuse and DH is the children's primary carer then she has to get her ducks in a row first. Can't we support her in doing that without adding pressure for instant action?

[LyndaNotLinda]

Yes I absolutely agree. Timing is critical. You are doing the right thing for you and your children. None of this is your fault

[smilingeyes11]

What makes you think an alcoholic abuser will get custody over a working mother. This man needs you to pay for everything, including his alcohol intake.

I suggest WA and solicitor. It is very rare for a man to get custody as you call it - it is normally shared care. But if you take advice and report him to anyone who will listen, including GP and SS then he won't have a snowball in hell's chance. And you need to report his physical violence towards you to the police too.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Good advice from Smiling.
It doesn't matter how clever he is if there is sufficient evidence against him.

At the moment he thinks he's got away with it, so when he does it again you must record /photograph him.

I agree OP, it sounds like you've got far too much to lose, so play the long game, and when the time is right legally & financially divorce him.

Hold your nerve, it will be difficult, but it will all come to pass in the end.

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

I think the op's belief that her husband will get residency re the children is one that has been fostered by her husband to prevent her from considering leaving.
This is an actual child protection scenario. The oo needs to discuss the extent of the situation with her gp, women's aid and ideally contact nspca or soc services for advice and support. This will create a trail of info and she will have evidence that she has acted protectively. Bidding time in the hope nobody will notice and nothing too terrible will happen to her children means that if things become confrontational in the future there will be serious doubts about her capacity to prioritise the needs of her children and protect them.
Bidding time in this scenario is a dangerous game.