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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When red flags aren't really red

369 replies

Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:32

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 19:37

I can identify because I was in an abusive relationship that escalated when I didn't obey.

But now, and for many many years since, I have been in relationships where the care doesn't seep into control.

Shallishanti · 31/05/2016 19:37

no, sorry, that's controlling behaviour
what would happen if for example you had a dress you really liked and wanted to wear but he thought it 'revealing'?
people who respect you might offer an opinion IF ASKED but don't tell you what to wear

Costacoffeeplease · 31/05/2016 19:38

No - my husband would never tell me what I could or couldn't wear, or keep track of me

CharlotteCollins · 31/05/2016 19:41

Control is the key word. Is he frequently in contact because he wants to know where you are, what you're doing? That would be motivated by control. Or is it just a random text that gets no response and he worries?

43percentburnt · 31/05/2016 19:45

Telling you what to wear is a red flag.

What would happen if you wore the offending item anyway?

monkeywithacowface · 31/05/2016 19:45

That's not a good relationship, it will only escalate you'll be back here in 5 years time wanting to leave but not knowing how.

I'm not sure in what context being told what to wear and being obliged to be in contact at all times is OK or normal.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 31/05/2016 19:47

Why doesn't he like you wearing anything revealing in public?

I can't think of a single explanation you could give for that which would make him look ok...

Trills · 31/05/2016 19:47

He doesn't like you wearing anything revealing in public?

If it was him hating green or having an aversion to anything asymmetric I'd say fair enough for him to express a preference, but being against things that are "revealing" is not a style preference, it is an issue of ownership.

Zaurak · 31/05/2016 19:47

It doesn't sound good to me.

HeffalumpHistory · 31/05/2016 19:48

No. I'm sorry but that is completely controlling.
That's some red flags there. Not out of context, not another colour...

What would happen if you didn't do what he wanted?

bucketsandaceofspades · 31/05/2016 19:48

No, I think those red flags are pretty red, actually.

QuiteLikely5 · 31/05/2016 19:49

I sort of got the thing about contact - yeah we all might wonder if we text dh and he doesn't respond as per his usual pattern - but worry? Hmmmm

He TELLS you what to wear? That isn't normal, at all BUT I do discuss my dh clothing choices with him Blush and tell him what suits him and what isn't really his colour

You talk about respect and clothing choices - now if I was going to wear a mini skirt and a boob tube to go into town my dh might mention that but a normal skirt he would offer only compliments

I think you are being hoodwinked here - your dh paints his control as concern and love, you have fallen for it or like it as it makes you feel secure

Zaurak · 31/05/2016 19:49

And unless you're covered in national front tattoos, there's no justification for him not liking you wearing anything revealing in public.
You may not want to hear it, but your husband sounds controlling and yes, those flags are red.

Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:51

Thanks for the responses so far.

He likes to know where I am - our relationship is fairly long distance at the moment, though we used to live nearby. He likes to be able to picture what I'm doing and where I am. Plus he does worry if he can't get hold of me when I haven't told him I'm going to be out of contact.

The clothes thing - if I bought a dress I loved that he found far too revealing, I wouldn't wear it out. I might keep it and wear it when I was just with him. He doesn't like other men to be able to see parts of me that he thinks only he should. I indulge him in this and respect it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:52

Just to clarify - he is my partner, not my husband, but we are planning to marry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:53

To me it seems more that I let him control the things that are important to him. We genuinely do have a very loving and equal relationship.

OP posts:
Trills · 31/05/2016 19:55

He doesn't like other men to be able to see parts of me that he thinks only he should.

What parts are these? If they are parts that would usually be covered by a bikini, then that's just common decency.

Trills · 31/05/2016 19:55

And what do you control about his life?

CalleighDoodle · 31/05/2016 19:56

My husband told me this weekend that he loved that id kept my dress on in the evening rather than being in pjs by 7pm He would not tell me to keep my dresses on in the evening. See the difference?

plimsolls · 31/05/2016 19:58

I personally find the clothing thing a bit odd (I'd be Hmm if my oh told me not to wear something) but I think I understand the question you are asking even if I don't agree with the examples you've given.....

Is it like how sometimes you read threads or posts on here where posters openly advocate banning partners from having contact with females or having female friends because "it's inappropriate" (etc).... Even though controlling contact with people is seen as a red flag for abuse?

CalleighDoodle · 31/05/2016 19:58

Do you usually have your nipples on display? Is that what he thinks only a husband should see? Because i agree with that! But i doubt thats the case...

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 31/05/2016 19:59

and how long are you allowed to be busy for?

I bet he knows to the minute when you are home/at work/on lunch....you try being busy when he expects you to be home and see how well that goes down.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 31/05/2016 20:00

OP you say you indulge his need for control.

What would happen if you didn't?

CharlotteCollins · 31/05/2016 20:00

It's not equal! You may allow him to control aspects of your life.... He still chooses to relate to you in that dynamic! An equal partner wouldn't want to treat you like his child.

PerspicaciaTick · 31/05/2016 20:01

What would the consequences be to you if you forget to let him know you weren't contactable, or you insisted on wearing the dress. Would he be upset, cross, sulky, angry? Is it better/easier not to cross him in the first place.
Honestly as you currently aren't married or even living with him, I think things are only going to get worse. One day you won't be choosing what to wear out of respect for him, it will be out of fear for your safety.