When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

I guess a lot of red flags do need context, however context can also make the red flags excusable when they are not. Red flags are called red flags for a reason!

My dp sometimes has an opinion on what I wear, and there are clothes that I own that he hates and so I'd probably chose not to wear them when out with him, but I wear them when I'm out with friends and he really doesn't care - he actually wouldn't care if I wore them when I was with him either!
I agree with pp's that it's the motives behind the behaviour and what would happen if you didn't conform to the behaviour. My DP can have controlling tendencies in life (as can I) but if Either one of us don't agree or don't do as the other would prefer the worst that happens is a raised eyebrow or a little bickering!

I know what you mean hip hop. My DP isn't a massive fan of low cut tops. But that's because I have a big bust and he don't like the dirty pervs and the leery looks I get- and neither do I. So I choose not to wear them often. And when I do, he's fine with it. But to other people this would be the red flag and people would instantly jump to assume it's an abusive relationship. Even though I know full well it's not & we are both very happy and getting married in August :)

and neither do I.
That makes it as a non-red flag. It's your true choice.

'He doesn't hit you'
Oh well he must be a gem then!???
When you are pregnant and dependent on him you just watch the abuse escalate.
You really do have all the information you need on this guy to understand that he is a controlling arse.
And... you are choosing to ignore it and actually agree with it.
Wow!
Your boundaries are way out here.
Please do contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme.
This will really help you to see things for what they really are.
Attend in person if you can.
He is controlling and abusive.
It really is that simple!

Look, this really wasn't the conversation I was looking for here.

What were you looking for, exactly? You posted a couple of examples of things which, by your own admission, could be viewed as controlling behaviour. People have confirmed that yes, those things could indeed be viewed as controlling behaviour.

Look, we're just a bunch of strangers on the Internet. We don't know you or your partner. You don't need us to give your relationship our blessing or to tell you whether or not you're in an abusive relationship. If you're happy, then go be happy!

You're posting on a forum, though, where a lot of us are survivors of domestic abusive in all its various forms. Some of us (like me) saw something potentially familiar in your post and felt the need to question whether there was anything else behind it other than mere idle curiosity.

Only you know the answer to that, and if the answer is 'yes' then you know there are is a lot of support and advice available here. If the answer is 'no' then great, just go live your life! Who cares what a bunch of Internet strangers think?

I too have been in an abusive relationship where he never laid a finger on me.

It did escalate to punching the wall beside my head and kicking in the bathroom door when I locked myself in there so I didn't have to listen to him shouting, "you vile fucking cunt" at me though...

But he only ever acted out of concern.

He wanted me to promise I wouldn't go into the city centre without him (even in the daytime), because he was worried about me.

He wouldn't let me visit him at work (he was a bar manager at the time) because he wanted to protect me from the blokey comments he knew I'd get from the customers.

He also tried to police what I wore because he wouldn't want people to make unkind judgements about me.

It did escalate.

OP, if you really don't think there is a problem, then 'forget' to check in or wear something that he doesn't like because it's appropriate to the place you're going to or just because you want to, and gauge his response.

I am pretty confident you know what the reaction would be. I think that's why you posted on here. I think you were assuming you'd hear people telling you it was nothing to worry about and was 'sweet' and it's thrown you a bit that it hasn't been like that.

I also had a boyfriend who turned up on a date wearing a shirt with pictures of Playboy covers all over it. I gave him an ultimatum. Lose the shirt or lose me. He didn't like it, but he lost the shirt. But that is the only time in my entire life I have, or ever would, make that kind of statement. If he had chosen the shirt over me, I would have accepted it. In retrospect, I should have just dumped him because him buying that shirt turned out to be a pretty big red flag of it's own!

What you have got is a relationship that is good, as long as you do as you are told. And that is never good.

What would your friends and family say to the outfits you are not allowed to wear? Would they say they are ok?

A red flag is just a warning. Maybe taken in isolation all of us may have the odd red flag, however put a few together and you should probably think about that warning. Ok some might not develop into anything else but as we can see by pp's experiences on here, a lot do.

I guess my husband controls our money and that could look dodgy in isolation BUT the difference is that I'm lazy and am happy to leave it to him but he would be perfectly happy for me to be involved whenever I want. And this has been proven - it's not what I think may be the case.

Test out what happens when you go no contact for a few hours. Buy something slightly revealing and insist on wearing it because "it isn't too bad". See what his reaction is.

The reason so many here jump to the conclusion of abuse is that we've been in similar relationships in the early days. We thought we had a healthy, living relationship. Maybe we had partners who couldn't do enough for us, who made us feel like the most special person in the world... We know what came next, now, looking back, but at the time we couldn't see it.

Look, my XH never hit me. He never lay a finger on me. He was great at getting very unhappy when things weren't going his way, though, or worrying. It was all about ownership (and that just doesn't work both ways, no matter how well he plays it in the first few years: either you're the owner or the owned). And it was all about what he wanted.

I left because he was never going to see things from my point of view. He was never going to consider my needs. Well, actually, he did, but he still got to say when he was going to, which was either when someone was watching or when he thought I might leave.

That relationship was abusive. Maybe your understanding of abuse is abuse = hitting? Abuse is not hitting, it's control and ownership. Sometimes that comes with a side order of hitting, but not always, and never straight away.

All this advice about testing him - regardless of whether you like the idea, I'm not convinced it would work. I think you'd misinterpret his reaction as concern.

I wonder where you learnt about relationships? It's possible you have seen an abusive dynamic in your childhood and think it's normal.

Run Rabbit's advice of 1:17am is good (she said be out of contact for a few hours so that he can confront his unhealthy "need" to know where you are). It's good advice because it's not a test, it's standing up to him to help him with his anxiety.

I think that would be a good next step, because it would give you practice at making a decision that's not popular with him (essential healthy relationship skill) and give him a chance to rein in his controlling tendencies.

My talk of red flags and stop signs. One thing that is a stop sign is the need to say "he doesnt hit me". That should be a bloody given!!

I agree with you OP. My husband wouldn't like it if I wore something revealing or too much makeup. I don't do these things out of respect for him even though I would if I was single. He prefers no makeup full stop so I don't wear it day to day anymore but would on an evening out as I would feel more uncomfortable.

Mmm another one who managed to escape from an abusive relationship that started exactly like this. I dismissed the control because 'he just cares about me' and thought I had the ability to call time if it got too much.

I had no idea that pregnancy and becoming a mother would make me so vulnerable to his control.

The OP make me shudder. Please listen to the posters who have been there done that.

Nobody belongs to anyone else, not partners, children, nobody.

I think this could be a troll post
I feckin' hope so.
No-one can read these boards and then post that and not come across as stupid (and I don't use that word lightly).

Agree with everyone, OP - go out of contact for a few hours. Let your battery die, 'accidentally' leave the phone at home, be 'too busy' shopping/working/whatever.

Wear something he thinks too revealing; tell him you are doing so because you like it. Go out in it.

Then see what he does, and what he says. Really - ignore any 'worried about you', any 'what would people think', and any type of blaming you.

See what happens. IF he gets angry, or sulky, or surprised/saddened that you have 'defied' him - GET OUT!

Sorry OP, but this is how it starts. You think it is fine, because you both agree; and it's only a little thing, and why wouldn't you want to make him happy. Et cetera.

But it's only the beginning. It reveals a certain attitude towards you. This is why they are 'red flags'. I note you said there were other things like that too.

These are the early warnings rather than the full blown problem, which is what will develop from that controlling attitude.

Me and my dp have been in a D/s type relationship for a few years now. There's certain control aspects that if it wasn't a CONSENSUAL relationship that I AGREE to and we discuss regularly, it could be seen as abusive and controlling. But it's not, it's the relationship I want, the way I want things and we are very happy together. Someone looking in from the outside wouldn't understand, but my dp isn't abusive and any control he does have has been given by me freely and I've consented to it. We have a safe word that is there for all aspects of our relationship, not just for sex. If there's to be any changes in it we discuss before hand, we agree to what we're both comfortable with and I've never been forced to do anything that would put me in harms way or would make me feel uneasy.

Other people's relationships are wide and varied, what works for two people can be seen as disgusting and abusive by many more. At the end of the day it's what makes you happy, that's all that matters. If you're in a relationship that you feel uneasy about, that isn't working for you, where you've not consented to whatever, then it is not an equal and healthy relationship and you'd do better to get out.

Good advice for anyone in any relationship, not just the OP.

FIS2016 - why does you DH get to tell you you can't wear make-up? What's it got to do with him? He might 'prefer it' if you didn't - why?

OP do you tell him what to wear or 'worry' when you can't get hold of him? Also - v important this - do you know why his previous relationships ended?

Just wanted to since 50 shades of shite there has been loads of posts of I'm quite happy' we have a 'safe word' yes but the man still gets what be wants, a controlling relationship and who would want that anyway? It's all bollo@ks,

*he

I think when anyone says "but he doesn't hit me" well, I find that sentence on its own worrying.

Also OP it looks like your relationship is 'loving and caring' because you're doing what he wants.
What would he say if you said, "actually I like this top so I'm wearing it" or took yourself for an impromptu day/night out?

I once was in love with someone who was very cruel. I cannot really call it an abusive relationship because we never lived together. But he was really emotionally cruel, but in such a way that it was really hard to put a finger on it, as he didn't force me to do anything, and he was perfectly charming sometimes. It was so hard to really see that the way in which he behaved was unacceptable. I remember thinking, at one point, that I would much rather he just hit me, because things would be clearer then.

Don't think that physical abuse is necessarily the worst type of abuse.

Summerwalking16

You can say bollocks on MN.