When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

I suspect that sockpuppeting is at work. (Wink)

Tut tut for shame who'd a thunk it.

OP you are clearly distressed by the responses you have had. I reacted in much the same way (well not quite the same way - I just hid the thread) but if I had genuinely had no nagging doubts I'm sure I'd have easily shrugged it all off. If you think your house may be on fire you need to start thinking about getting out.

If you want to troll hunt, you can report my posts to MNHQ. I have nothing to hide.

Is that your last defence? That you think I'm not a regular, so my point is invalid? Nonsense.

I've asked why you haven't posted anywhere but this thread.
I've already given my points.
I'm not convinced by your arguments. There's no defence here.
And certainly won't simply stop posting what I think it's appropriate simply because you tell me not to.
Does that clarify it?

Still, what led you to this thread?
If you NC, why did you feel the need to?
You don't think the OP is in danger? Wouldn't you rather have people tell you not to jump off the bridge than just walking by?

Of course he's loving and caring, you're doing everything to please him.

Once you 'step out of line' he'll change as quick as the wind!

I'm not indulging you in your troll hunt. Please feel free to press the report button if you would like MNHQ to look over my posting history.

www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette

HTH

Netiquette also says not to tell others to stop posting and that you don't own threads.
In that respect, if you do think pps are abusive towards the OP, then report yourself.
I do question your motivations to try and stop a thread about red flags and control. And I'd rather challenge openly on the thread anyone who excuses and minimises abuse.

I'm excusing abuse? I suppose you'll be calling me a handmaiden next. I haven't actually given my opinion on the OP, which it seems you haven't noticed.

I don't think it's ok for you to hassle other people when they ask you to stop. The OP isn't exempt from common courtesy, whether she is or isn't in an abusive relationship.

She's not hassling her, she's asking questions and giving her opinion. Which is normally what happens on discussion boards , people discuss.

And it's not just about the OP, it's about all those who are lurking but not posting . And those who will come across this thread later when something in their own relationships is troubling them .

Mumsnetters tend to object to people trying to silence and control them. How interesting when this happens on a thread which is about Control .

But the OP isn't allowed control? She asked people to stop.

No, HereSheComes, the OP doesn't get to control the thread. It's a public forum, and anyone can post whatever they want within the guidelines.

Which they have.

Sometimes the things people post on threads can make uncomfortable reading for the OP. I know this has happened to me. But it's useful sometimes to be challenged. It might make you change your thinking, but also might make you more sure you were right, once you have questioned your beliefs.

Or, as OP, you can stick your head in the sand. Which is what this one appears to have done.

You cannot start a thread, let posters put their opinions up, then decide you want everyone to stop posting. The only choice is not to click on it again. Threads on a public forum meander, twist and turn all over the place, no one owns a thread. You start it and let it go...

Amaia I didn't say that a husband supporting his wife was prostitution. My exh told me that when I was on maternity leave I was "little more than a prostitute" as I was benefitting from his money as a result of having had sex with him. That is what I was referring to.

How long this thread is going to go on for???

Longer if you keep bumping it...

Ha ha

He doesn't hit me.

My GP never hits me. He must be a good GP.

My postie doesn't hit me. They must be a good postie.

My boss never hit me. She must be a good boss.

Maybe not for the OP who I think has gone. But for anyone else who sets the bar at not being hit. No one deserves to be considered worthy just because they don't hit you.

Everything is tolerable once you they adjust what you will tolerate. Anything becomes acceptable once you have been trained to accept it. But that doesn't make it normal or healthy.