When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

One potential red flag could be explained in a relationship but not a myriad of them.

For example;

DP likes to know where I am at all times
Reason: I'm epileptic so he worries I may have a seizure and have no support (don't have epilepsy just an example).

DP doesn't like my male best friend and doesn't want me to hang out with him
Reason: said best friend has a drug habit and can get quite aggressive

Either may be fair enough but if someone shows several red flags isn't not a coincidence, is it?

It also depends on the reason.

If the friend is on drugs, fair enough.
If they just don't like the look of the friend, or say they have done or said things you can't check, then, it's suspicious.

feeling that you have to not wear revealing clothes when out because it might make someone else unhappy. - I disagree. Because it might make someone annoyed, not unhappy.

Annoying someone - by simple things like being out of contact - is a Red Flag.

I don't find that fascinating 6demanding. I find it creepy.

My DH will sometimes tell me how to dress if he's taking me out. Often he plans dates where I don't know where we're going. The clothes are out of my own wardrobe obviously, so nothing I would never wear. I've always been fine with it, but now wondering if the amber flags should be flying!? What if your DH tells you what to wear in the bedroom, for instance? I'm not scared of DH in any way and he would never hurt me, emotionally or physically. We have three children and I've been a stay at home mum for 12 years - my choice, but also his. Does this mean I should feel downtrodden? Someone suggested up thread that letting a man support his wife family is like prostitution!

I genuinely can't believe you are defending pushing something on someone to the point that they all but beg you to stop.

Just give it a rest! That's also an option available to you, rather than telling other people where they should look!

Amaia I'd say it depends if it annoys you.

If it does just tell him kindly you'd like to choose your own outfit for tonight.

In the bedroom? If you said lets act out on your fantasy then yes I think picking what to wear in the bedroom is fine.

Seems like the OP has been browsing through Realtionships and has come across a few things which made her stop and think. Probably hoping for a lighthearted, 'gah, men what are they like' type thread and was genuinely horrified with the stories that some of us have shared.

Thing is, my real lightbulb moment came reading a thread on here. And I really truly clicked after reading many other stories and hearing about other peoples nice husbands. So even if the OP never comes back, which I doubt she will, someone else might just stop and think 'well, hang on'.

My thoughts exactly, HereSheComes. This thread has crossed the line from people genuinely trying to help OP, to people being determined to prove a point and be 'in the right' about all this. To those still mercilessly pestering OP, after she's asked you to stop several times, if you are honestly concerned about her well-being then do you seriously think this is the way to help?

OP, if you're still reading, hope that you can get what you need from this thread, whatever that might be, and then get on with your life.

Amaia what you have described is completely different to what the op has described. What you have said your husband does sound quite romantic to me. A surprise night out, wearing something you have chosen, that is appropriate to the venue.

If he started pickling what clothes you can or can't wear to go to the supermarket or to the park with the children, well that's a different story.

I agree with uptown on the bedroom thing. If it's a fantasy youre acting out then yes, your partner should be able to tell you what to wear to fulfil that fantasy. But the difference comes when you are uncomfortable with acting out that particular role.

Actually frieda909 I think that is a really mean spirited thing to say.

No one poster on here wants to be right: who in their right mind wants someone to be in an abusive relationship....................

I really do hope that the OP isn't, but as I said people don't generally post in Relationships to say La La La look at my perfect relationship.

Many posters have had a lightbulb moment: a minute when they read something; thought whats wrong with that my DH/DW/DP does that, and it's only went everyone else goes WTF, do they start to realise.

I can think of several; but they're not my experiences to share.

Maybe this thread will have sparked a question the the OP's mind; maybe not.

Maybe someone else is reading it and having a lightbulb moment.

But as I said above no-one who has been in an abusive relationship or seem the devastation that one can cause every want wants to see another person in that place.

Of course my final line should read: But as I said above no-one who has been in an abusive relationship or seen the devastation that one can cause ever wants to see another person in that place.

Thanks Uptown and Red for your words of sense. Phew!

My husband was too clever to hit me. That's how it is these days (usually), abusers have been socialised to recognise that hitting is Not On so they fry your brain, heart, life instead.

Just saying.

What bunny chops said

BunnyChops, I didn't mean to be mean spirited at all. I am one of the many posters who expressed concern earlier in the thread and urged OP to think very carefully about why she felt the need to post this. I only recently left a nine-year abusive relationship myself, which I have posted about in other threads on this forum, and I recognised something in her posts which quite seriously made me feel sick.

However, I feel that at this point, some of these posts are probably doing more harm than good. I know nobody wants someone else to be in an abusive relationship, and that wasn't what I intended to suggest at all. I am sorry if it came across that way. What I mean is that SOME posters seem, to me, to be so determined to make OP see sense (as they see it) that some of the messages verge on nasty, and I think they run the risk of driving OP away and discouraging her from seeking help again in future, if she should ever need it.

I do understand the urge to try to prevent what people perceive as an oncoming car crash, and believe me, yes, I do feel it too. But I'm not sure this is the right way to go about it any more.

Again, apologies for offending. I know there are good intentions here.

'What I mean is that SOME posters seem, to me, to be so determined to make OP see sense (as they see it) that some of the messages verge on nasty, and I think they run the risk of driving OP away and discouraging her from seeking help again in future, if she should ever need it.'

Agreed. Aggressively pursuing the same point, even with good intentions, is not a pleasant experience for the recipient. If she asks you to stop, that needs to be respected.

The OP has quite clearly stated up thread that she wants people to STOP suggesting her OH is abusive. He may well be or probably not. I think it's bullying to repeatedly do this after she has asked more than once to stop. You can say you disagree with what she is saying but telling her that her OH is abusive has crossed the line now.

What people have done is ask some extremely pertinent questions that can help the OP figure out if he's abusive or not.
The OP doesn't seem to want to reply.

And nobody owns a thread. If people want to discuss anything, even the weather, in the thread, just as long as it's not offensive or troll hunting, ahem, then nobody will delete them.

Well.... the only thing I would say is... I rarely start threads. Yes I contribute, but if I start a rare thread it's because I want an answer. I do hope the OP doesn't feel bullied but there is an absolute reason why she is starting a thread. Maybe she feels uneasy or maybe it's something as simple as a thread saying "look... this is my relationship, it isn't abusive in any way at all, I'm just interested in your views on all you posters who talk of abusive relationships, because what you consider red flags can actually be a loving relationship"

That's fine but I know from what I've read I wouldn't be starting a thread like this if I didnt have doubts.

'The OP doesn't seem to want to reply.'

Actually, she replied a number of times. But you didn't want to listen to what she had to say. Even when she said that what you were saying was causing her to feel uncomfortable, you still didn't think you should stop.

Makes your point about abuse a little ironic, wouldn't you say?

Nobody is forcing anyone to read or post on the thread.

And no, she didn't reply to the question about how her DP reacts if she doesn't follow his wishes.
Not that it matters to us, really. I just hope she thinks about it.

She doesn't have to answer your questions.

And frankly, if it was that easy to get someone to listen to you by repeating the same thing over and over again, you would listen to what I have to say, wouldn't you?

Bit ridiculous to suggest that someone has the option to not read responses on their own thread. With that defence, I could say any offensive thing to any OP on any thread and then say, well no one has to read it!

Maybe instead, you could think about modifying your behaviour. Because I'm criticising it. I think it stinks to keep so obviously bothering someone because you enjoy tooting the horn of your own agenda so much.

Maybe instead, you could think about modifying your behaviour. Because I'm criticising it.

I have certainly thought about your posts and what you're saying. As well as your motivation, as well as the OP's.
Threads tend to die a natural death, you are helping to keep it active. Maybe you should think about modifying your behaviour.
You seem to have come here without previous history just to tell off pps. Why is that?

Hi, hereshecomestosavetheday , welcome to Mumsnet . Interesting user name - why did you choose it ?