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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When red flags aren't really red

369 replies

Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:32

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

OP posts:
BuunyChops · 31/05/2016 20:49

I'm with the other posters wondering why if it's all so perfect why are you posting here then?

CharlotteCollins · 31/05/2016 21:00

I think OP has probably had a bit of a shock with all these responses. I expect she expected the two which said, "oh yes, like this, you mean?" but not all the rest.

And now she has to figure out if it's just MN jumping to its favourite LTB without understanding that he is nice and lovely, really... Or if she is brave, she will consider whether there is some truth in this. And yes, maybe she will realise she has had a sense of something not quite right.

Sorry to talk about you in the third person, OP!

SleepyRoo · 31/05/2016 21:00

Op can I recommend a radio 4 soap opera called The Archers, it currently has a storyline that might interest you

LyndaNotLinda · 31/05/2016 21:05

I bet even your mother doesn't expect to hear from you within the hour unless you've told her in advance you're busy. That isn't about worrying about you, it's about controlling you.

And where's his respect for you and what you want to wear? How does he express his displeasure at your clothing?

You know these are red flags OP or you wouldn't have posted here.

lougle · 31/05/2016 21:12

Where is the line for you, Hiphop, between concern and control? What would happen if you didn't tell your partner what you were doing?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/05/2016 21:19

What things does he allow you to control about him?

Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 21:24

I was just looking for other people to chat about similar relationships with issues that might seem concerning out of context but are actually part of a loving healthy relationship. Honestly my DP is so kind and caring. I'm not in an abusive relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 21:25

I feel like I've misrepresented him now

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 31/05/2016 21:30

You're probably right that it wouldn't be nice to test him. But I would say don't marry him until you have evidence that he can respect your right to make decisions that he may be unhappy with.

Because at some point in life, you'll disagree and you need to know that he'll let you do that.

And if you can't imagine that happening, then you need to work on your self-esteem, your sense of self as distinct from those around you.

When I went to marriage preparation classes with my then fiance, the vicar asked how we resolved arguments. I remember saying we haven't had any. If just been happy to go along with what he wanted. With everything. Unless he wanted me to decide. In which case I did and he was happy with that. You see how he was controlling me then and I was allowing it? He thought that made the relationship equal... But he wanted control over what I got to control!

I wish the vicar had said to me: if you haven't had an argument yet, you're not ready to get married. I think I could have gone with some sensible advice like that.

CrazyDuchess · 31/05/2016 21:32

"Loving, healthy relationship"

Biscuit
CharlotteCollins · 31/05/2016 21:32

X-post. The red flags show that there's a high chance it will become abusive in the future.

And fwiw, abusers are usually very kind and caring in the early days.

Halfwayoranges · 31/05/2016 21:37

OP I'm going to stick my neck out here and say I agree with you.

Don't think there's anything wrong with a partner telling you if he thinks something is too revealing. If I loved the outfit, I admit I would wear it regardless... But, I can't imagine a situation where I would want to wear something that made my partner uncomfortable.

As for the contact - my ex partner was very much the sort to worry about me if he hadn't heard from me in our usual text pattern. I have no idea why anyone would say that is a bad thing. It's not controlling, it's caring. As you said OP, it's not to monitor you, it's to make sure you're ok.

So I agree with you, OP. None of it means the relationship is controlling - it makes it intimate and honest and trusting in my opinion.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 31/05/2016 21:41

It's not to monitor her? Like fuck it's not.
This isn't a healthy relationship.

DistanceCall · 31/05/2016 21:43

You don't respect or disrespect someone by wearing or not wearing a certain type of clothes, love. You respect someone you love by allowing them their freedom and their own choices. Which is exactly what he isn't doing.

Zaurak · 31/05/2016 21:43

He only controls what you wear because he cares?
A bit like only hitting you because he loves you so much and you drove him to it?

Don't marry him. There are a few threads on relationships right now that are incredibly disturbing. Women whose every move is tracked, one woman whose husband is intentional trying to get her pregnant against her will. One woman whose husband makes her account for every penny she spends.

Please read those threads.

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 31/05/2016 21:44

My DH could probably easily drift into controlling. If I let him 😏
As it goes, I don't let him.

LyndaNotLinda · 31/05/2016 21:45

Halfway: "If I loved the outfit, I admit I would wear it regardless..."

And that's the difference between you and the OP. She won't do that. Why not?

Claraoswald36 · 31/05/2016 21:46

Unless it's a dress that flashed your fanjo this is a glowing neon red flag!!

And now you expand the contact one its glowing even more. Sorry

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/05/2016 21:47

Do you ever agree to disagree about anything? Do you ever do stuff he disapproves of?

For example, I drink too much coffee and diet coke. I know it is bad for me. DH doesn't touch the stuff, he disapproves lots. He makes pointed comments and makes faces at me sometimes when I'm on my fourth coffee. I still drink it. I still drink it in front of him. I don't usually ask him to make it for me though. It is fine. His "faces" never escalate. It never affects any other area of our lives. That's normal imo.

Do you have anything like that?

DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 21:49

if I bought a dress I loved that he found far too revealing, I wouldn't wear it out
I just don't get this. If you spent your hard earned cash on clothes, why does he get the say so on whether you can wear them or not? I mean, if they were too revealing for you then you wouldn't have bought them in the first place. So why does his opinion on the level of reveal trump yours? Are you not an adult with a decision making brain that decides what level of reveal is appropriate for you?

Or do you like the fact he wants to know where you are before you are there, and that he owns your body and decisions about the clothes you wear?

WriteforFun1 · 31/05/2016 21:50

OP I think you posted this because deep down you think something is wrong
and it is

I know that some people actually seek relationships where they are controlled and where it seems to be based on a lot of co-dependence. Maybe you're one of those people and you will be fine doing as you're told the rest of your life.

but again, I don't think you'd have started this thread unless you knew something was wrong. Ask yourself if you are that woman. If you are, then I have nothing further to say.

lougle · 31/05/2016 21:50

I don't think it's controlling to worry if you haven't heard from your partner when you expected them to contact you. For example, if I said to my husband that I'd be home from work by 1pm and I didn't turn up and didn't respond to texts by 3pm, it would be quite understandable that he may worry. But the OP has said that her partner likes to be able to picture what she is doing, which sounds rather more intrusive.

With regards the clothing, I think it depends on what 'revealing' is. Are we talking about a difference of opinion about the cut of a top? How sheer a fabric is? How short a hem is? Are we talking about one outfit that the partner took a dislike to or does the OP have to run every outfit past him for approval?

I wouldn't wear an outfit if my husband had genuine objection, but I am very conservative and my husband would love me to be more body confident, so I can't imagine a situation where this would occur! I do know that my husband respects my feelings about my body and doesn't try to impose his desire for me to wear more feminine outfits on me.

ThatStewie · 31/05/2016 21:52

What would be his reaction if you didn't tell him you would be out of contact?
What would he do if you wore a dress that was 'revealing'?

Would he sulk? Shout? Give you the silent treatment?

Do you know where he is at all times? Would he tell you if he was going to be out of contact? Do you tell him what to wear? What would be his reaction if you did?

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 21:55

Those flags are the nrightest scarlet.

The ways you describe your relationship are chilling.

Control has no part in "healthy", "loving" relationships.

What you are telling us that right now you are enjkying being controlled.

pleasethankyouthankyouplease · 31/05/2016 21:57

i think like the fantastic MN name above " run rabbit, run rabbit...!"
Seriously.
You've got some advice from some people who know where this might (and in all probability will ) lead...