When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

My DP has one cartoon style t shirt that im really not keen on. He knows this, and mostly chooses to wear one if his many many other t shirts.
Sometimes he wears it out with me anyway and I nornally laugh at it in despair and off we go merrily.
If we were going someone fancy, I would probably say 'don't wear that t shirt there!!'. I don't think that's controlling at all.
However, not wanting someone to wear something because they don't want others to see parts of you is controlling.
I think you are trying to turn your red flags into a scenario like the one I have given - obe that's completely green; I agree with PPs, you started this thread for a reason.

Think very very carefully before you marry and have children with this man. At the moment it's long-distance and about clothes. What will he be like when you have to make important decisions like how to parent, or whether you work or are a sahm?What if he tries to control what your children wear and they don't agree or 'respect' him for that? Whose side will you take? Try to find a relationship when your partner loves you for your own style, and is excited to hear what you've been up to when you're ready to tell him.

What is the relevance of that, chamelomoon? That's a rhetorical question, by the way, don't answer it.

You're stereotyping.

The real test is what he does, or what he withdraws, if you don't do what you are told

All I will say is be very careful. Control is often insidious, at least to start with. My exh was loving and caring too, when he wanted.

Your op says 'There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist.' I wonder what these are tbh.

Sorry to harp on but I think you should look at why you want to belong to him, why you think him telling you not to wear such and such is caring. What makes you think it's lovely?

And why are you posting? I know you say you're looking for posters in similar situations, is it because people around you are telling you what he's like is not OK? If so, listen to them.

Another one saying " don't marry him " . This is how all abusers start .

I think you know deep down that this is the start of a downward spiral and seeing other threads re red flags has made you realise this. Sorry OP but I agree with the majority.

I agree this is abusive and will likely get worse.

My ex bought my clothes for me , I hated them but wore them to please him. He told me I looked lovely with no make up and got the hump if I so much as put lip gloss on. He came to my work every lunch time to bring me sandwiches so I didn't have to leave the office.

I ended up black and blue, he held my head under water in the bath , he kicked me and stubbed cigarettes out on me - all because he loved me .

Yes this is how it starts. You have been warned.

Op, from this article on baggage recaim: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-code-red-and-code-amber-behaviour-in-dating-and-relationships/ -

"Controlling – Steer clear of anyone that wants to control you. They start out with small stuff and then bit by bit increase their level of input. Jealousy and possessiveness is control, not love and especially when experienced early on or it increases bit by bit where you feel like you have to justify, explain yourself, and let them keep track of you. If you are unsure of what you’re experiencing, it’s code amber, evaluate the situation, throw some icy water over your feelings and plans, 100% eyes and ears open, and try to have a conversation with them about it. But if this is within days or weeks (certainly within the first 3 months), code red."

I read an article years ago (and just tried to find it) that said lots of women mistake jealousy for care and think it's sweet. Until is escalates. I'd say you're almost certainly trying to paint the red flags green here.

You sound exactly like my friend use too,

She has just been battered by her 'lovely' 'protective' 'caring' 'respectful' DP

I agree that some behaviours taken out of context can look like red flags.

My DH has full control of our finances and if I need any money I have to ask him. I currently have about £2 to my name. Big red flag. Except the context is that I was extremely ill a few years ago and DH had to take over everything. I still find it difficult to cope and don't want the stress of worrying about finances. DH does all the shopping with a list I provide. Sometimes he tries to involve me but I just panic. So the red flag is flagging up the effects of an illness rather than abusive behaviour.

However from what you've written I agree with the others, your red flags are the real deal.

Well... sidestepping the whole. "IS THE OP IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP? " question, because we've only seen a tiny snapshot of what is hopefully the worst stuff...

I dunno. I think the OP poses an interesting question.

I sometimes see stuff in these lists of red flags like "openly looks down on your taste in music. "

DH and I openly deplore each other's tastes in just about everything.

I love it when he goes out because I can listen to my sentimental crap in peace.

And YouTube tells me that he has wild 80s/90s dance raves when I go out.

The clothing thing is a bit off, OP, but come to think of it I think my DH might have saved me from looking a bit ridiculous a few times. And it took me about fifteen years of failure to admit that I look AWFUL in bright red orangey lipstick- horrendous, it did NOTHING for me, as numerous photos attest. None of my friends or colleagues would ever tell me that. But DH was so stupidly enthusiastic every time I wore the more flattering pink stuff (ooh, your lips look all model from the 60s! ) that I could guess his opinion. Bah.

Thatbis not even remotely the same.

Kindly lettijg youn know what suits you is not remotely controlling.

Nobody would saybthat was a red flag.

Hippo, I don't think it's anyone's place to tell you here whether or not you're in an abusive relationship, especially just based on these couple of details. Different relationships have different dynamics, and if yours is genuinely working for you and you're both happy with it, then that's great.

However...

I can't help feeling that there has to be a reason that you're posting here. And I have to say that it feels all too familiar to me. I was in an abusive relationship for many years and I often had the worry you seem to be expressing here, i.e. 'If people heard about this aspect of our relationship, they'd think I was being abused, but...'. I always had an excuse for him in my head.

I knew would be appalled if they heard him call me a cunt every day, but 'that's just the way he talks'.

I knew they'd be appalled if they heard him making fun of me, but 'that's just his sense of humour'.

I knew they'd be appalled that he didn't ever want me to see my friends or family, but 'that's just him being overprotective'.

I knew they'd be appalled if they knew he'd called me a fat bitch and thrown things at me, but 'that's just how he gets when he's angry'

And so on. For years and years. I hid all of that because I knew, deep down, that it was all so very wrong, and that if my friends and family heard it all then they'd be turning up at my door and packing up my things for me. One time I did break down and admit a few things to a friend (after being subjected to a four-day silent treatment from him) and the look on her face said it all. Afterwards I begged and begged her not to judge him and just to forget it, which she grudgingly agreed to do, but I knew she could never see him in the same way again.

Basically what I'm saying is, the specific details in your post don't necessarily concern me, but the fact that you posted at all does. I'm possibly over-identifying, but it just feels very familiar to me. Please do take the time to ask yourself whether you're really as OK with this situation as you say you are.

Sorry, probably not. Still fuming at him for being right, though.

I hope OP comes back.

I like the Heartless Bitches red flag list (on phone, can't link but googlable). I wish I'd seen it before I got involved with XH. I counted him on there about 17 times, I think!

I think the most concerning thing OP has said is that she knows he's controlling.

An abusive relationship is one where there is a pattern of controlling/abusive behaviour. Many non-abusive relationships can have one-off incidents or single issues in them that would definitely be abusive as part of a pattern but on their own not necessarily so.

That said op, you've already listed two examples. You're already straying into a pattern there and as yet you're not even living together...

Be very careful.

See this is where everyone jumps to abuse so quickly here. I have a relationship that works with the person I love. He's never ever hit me. How can it be wrong. Look, this really wasn't the conversation I was looking for here.

There are many types of abuse my dear.

No one said he hit you
I'm saying you look for being told what to do and in later years you might well regret that
There's no substitute for personal strength and knowing your own mind

It's wrong because he doesn't see you as an individual human being - not wanting you to wear clothing that he seems revealing is treating you as his property.

And there is a good chance that the clothing issue will be just the tip of the iceberg