When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

I remember feeling like that in the early days. By the time I left him I had no idea who I was and no idea what I liked. Controlling behaviour is not part of a loving trusting relationship in any way. It is tou indulging his need for control. It's fine just now you do that and manage that because you don't live near each other. You marry and live together and mark my words you will have no idea who you are in a few years either.

So you're his property then

My exbf used to love it when I wore revealing clothes .He used to say "you have great body I want all men to be jealous of me because I'm with you "
Everyone is different, so I wouldn't judge OP'S partner on clothing question . He might be old fashioned not necessarily abusive

You've admitted he's controlling (you've added the proviso that you let him to make it sound better to yourself).

It is not possible to be in an equal relationship with someone who is controlling.

Op that's terrifying.

He wants to know where you are so he can picture it? Assume this is him saying that?
Actually he wants to know where you are because he doesn't trust you.

Doesn't want you wearing anything revealing? Doesn't want men seeing what only he should see?
Are you his property? This isn't from love, it's from a lack of trust.

These things rent motivated by care or consideration, they're motivated by suspicion and lack of trust. I'd guess he's been cheated on and now is worried you will cheat too. He may wrap them up in little packages and label them as "care" but no, no they're not.

If you don't believe us, test him, pop out tonight with a friend, wear a sexy dress, don't text him till tomorrow.

I'd bet he'll go berserk with "worry" an shout and hissy fit because he was "scared for your safety" or because he was worried you were up to something .

I'm not his property. But I do belong to him, as he belongs to me. He also wouldn't do things or behave in ways I was unhappy with. It works both ways.

Are you saying you both control each other?

Why would I test him with something I know would make him really unhappy? That's just incredibly disrespectful.

Disrespectful. That's an interesting choice of word. Not unloving, for example. You've mentioned respect twice.

I don't think he respects you if he feels he needs to comment on your clothing choices, but I don't suppose you see it like that.

I know would make him really unhappy?

So you going out with your friends in a sexy dress would make him unhappy so you don't do it?

Yup. Got you right where he wants you hasn't he? [Hmm]

My H asks that if I'm out he knows where I am and how I'm getting home. On the face of it that seems controlling. But actually he has an excellent reason for needing that reassurance and I am happy to provide it. He would be anxious, worried and upset if I didn't tell him, not aggressive, angry or insulting.

What you describe about your clothes OP doesn't seem to have a reasonable justification!

If you say so

"We belong to each other" was how I went into my marriage. Thing is, I trusted him to make decisions about his life. He had opinions on so much of what I did. And he seemed to feel them strongly, so I went along with what he wanted. As time went by, I thought less about what I wanted because I was too busy doing what he wanted. This was not in everything, just the things he wanted to control. For example, he had say over how many children we had and how long till we started trying for the next one. He had say over when we had sex. I always tried to keep him happy. He tried to keep me happy when it suited him, when he felt like it.

Before we were married, he just bought me clothes, which seemed sweet, even if they weren't really my style. And he had poor boundaries, but I didn't understand such things then.

They are red flags because they are indicators of future problems.

Don't marry him.

I think you know that this is wrong in your bones. That's why you are posting on here. The red flags are definitely red.

I think the clothes thing is creepy.

Big. Massive. Red. Flags.

This is a very unhealthy relationship, OP.

OP
Can I ask a question
Why have you started this thread?

I'm sorry but the clothing thing in particular is controlling and a huge red flag.

What is considered revealing? And why doesn't he want people to see you in these revealing clothes? Because you'll cheat, because they will think you're a slut, because he thinks you're a slut, because "girls like that" get raped, what is his argument behind this?

None of those viewpoints above are valid, but then you don't seem to have an issue with it anyway.

Where would it start to bother you? If you had to wear trousers at all times, if you must always be seen only in trainers and a red jumper, that you must wear gloves and a scarf with clown trousers? Where would your cut off be?

You are simply in the early stages of an unhealthy relationship where you are confusing his abusive behaviour with 'love or concern' it may well escalate or it may well remain as it is now - where you both seem equally delighted with yourselves and each other!

Brilliant. I hope it works out

Similar scenario to CharlotteCollins @ 20.37 with my ex husband. I liked the idea of 'belonging' and trusted him, except he broke that. I was completely naive, from a family I never felt I belonged to. I wanted to belong, he wanted to control.

Why did you post if you think it's ok? You say these are two things but there are more. What are they? Have you ever lived together? On what grounds does he not like the clothes you would maybe like to wear but don't. I think you might want to think why that idea of belonging to him appeals so much.

You have fallen for the old classic 'he just really cares about me, thats why he wants to know where I am and what I wear' no it's control. I'm waving your red flag.

I think what matters here is the INTENTION behind it.

What is his motivation in not wanting other men to see your body? What does he think he think would be the consequence of that?

Why must he 'imagine what you're doing'? In what does this give him pleasure? Sometimes I send my partner a photo of what I'm doing if it is particularly remarkable or funny...but what sort of life do you lead where numerous updates could be continuously warranted?

What happens if you disobey him?

Hmmm... Perhaps not completely red flags, but definitely amber!

We'll as long as you are happy OP - what was the purpose of this thread?? You know they are red flags and you are happy to accept because you "belong" to him??!!??

Yeah perfectly normal!