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Original poster

Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

292 replies

baubloxx · 16/02/2016 20:35

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

OP posts:
Scarftown · 16/02/2016 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BIWI · 16/02/2016 20:38

Yes you're being silly.

They have to work away for four nights a week. As someone who does a fair bit of travelling with work (although not that much) I can tell you that even in the grandest of hotels, it's pretty shit after a while. The novelty soon wears off, and being away from my home, husband, DC and cats can become really quite miserable.

If I was with a colleague I'd jump at the chance of socialising with them. But equally, I wouldn't always want to be in a bar!

Most hotel rooms these days have a sofa or a couple of comfy chairs, so I doubt very much they'll be lying on the bed together.

However - do you have a reason to mistrust him?

Helmetbymidnight · 16/02/2016 20:41

Dh wouldn't go back to a woman's room or have one to his. (So far as I know!)

He knows I wouldn't like it.

janethegirl2 · 16/02/2016 20:43

No way id get into a relationship with work colleagues, but I'd watch tv with them. I know too much about them to get involved.

BabyGanoush · 16/02/2016 20:45

It depends.

I am going to get slated for this, but:

If it's a nice mumsy 60yr old woman I'd be fine

If it is this needy single desperate-looking-for-a-man-to save her divorcee in her 30s I'd be more wary

These are real colleagues DH travels with btw

Then again, I don't tell him not to.

But I feel a bit more "on guard" with the second one.

In Your dh situation, it could be slightly inappropriate to spend time together in one of their bedrooms imo

dementedma · 16/02/2016 20:48

Wouldn't bother me

Teaandcakeat8 · 16/02/2016 20:49

I think the TV watching together is odd. I work away with work quite a bit and whilst my colleagues and I go out to eat etc, I don't think any of them or I would go into another's hotel room. That just feels like crossing a boundary to be honest. My colleagues and I use the hotel rooms as an escape from each other and most of us go to bed to catch up on work, unwind, phone our loved ones. I would find it very odd if one of them came into my room. Why can't they just socialise in the bar/lounge?

Did he definitely go into her room to watch it? What kind of hotel is it?

Sorry but I would be wary.

Tiredemma · 16/02/2016 20:50

I wouldnt mind the dinner.

I wouldnt like the watching TV together in one of the rooms, that seems to 'close' to me.

museumum · 16/02/2016 20:50

No way would I sit alone four nights a week while a friend and colleague sits alone next door just to be seen to be "appropriate". But then no way would I sleep with a work colleague. I didn't even when I was single.
I wouldn't expect my dh to behave any differently than I would.

bjrce · 16/02/2016 20:51

How much for you know about this colleague?
How old is she?
What's her set up? She may well be happily married with young dc and having to go on these work trips is a massive pain in the arse, I remember that well!

ceecee32 · 16/02/2016 20:52

I also think that you are being silly - if there was anything inappropriate happening I think it unlikely that you would even know she was there, let alone that they eat together or watch TV.

It is a lonely life working away all the time, it is nice to eat a meal with someone and for all you know if it is a small hotel they may have a TV lounge.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/02/2016 20:53

I'd be a bit miffed at the thought of dh sitting cosily watching telly with another woman in their room.

Believeitornot · 16/02/2016 20:53

I've worked away with colleagues a lot and we never watched tv together in hotels. Never!

TheRadiantAerynSun · 16/02/2016 20:54

I work away with male colleagues (though not that kind of length) we always eat dinner together, but I can't imagine having one of them in my room (or going to theirs) for any reason.

Maybe in a longer term arrangement it might become more natural because hotels and hotel bars are pretty grim places, but so is sitting on your own in your room.

Dunno, can't imagine it.

eastpregnant · 16/02/2016 20:54

I don't think it would bother me that much. I trust my DH. Having said that, I don't think I'd go back to a male colleague's hotel room. You can never be 100% sure they see the relationship as purely platonic and they might take it as a signal you want more than friendship. Which would be really, really awkward!

Theendispie · 16/02/2016 20:55

People either trust their partners or they don't. My DH has worked all over the world, if at any point I was getting really worried it would be over as I would not want to live with those feelings.

To quote my Mother if a man is going to be unfaithful he will be and it makes not a bit of difference how much we worry about it.

tellmemore1982 · 16/02/2016 20:56

I used to work away from home a lot, mostly travelled with men (mostly partnered up or married). I was single for much of the time not that that matters.

I had dinner frequently with colleagues, sometimes just two of us, sometimes a group, sometimes with clients. I rarely had dinner with anyone I didn't enjoy spending time with, it's perfectly acceptable to be the one who likes a bit of time to yourself or has work to catch up on in the evenings.

It is absolutely not acceptable and completely against all normal business companion protocol or etiquette (if there is such a thing) to go into each other's hotel rooms. Even my female colleagues I would always meet at the bar for a drink.

It's also unacceptable that he has been doing this and not telling you OP. I'm really sorry but you need to have a very clear conversation on boundaries. Your relationship obviously requires a high degree of trust given that you spend so much time apart, I don't think you should be having to lie awake wondering whether they're in the same room and if they are, whether it's platonic.

It's only going to eat you up, you must address this.

Teaandcakeat8 · 16/02/2016 20:57

Forgot to say. I work away for up to a whole week at a time. Far from being lonely with that amount of time spent together my colleagues and I are usually desperate to escape each other!

I just can't imagine ever going into their room... Being surrounded by all their stuff... It's too intimate

DadOnIce · 16/02/2016 20:57

Either

Your DH is not of an adulterous nature, in which case you have no need to worry about him being in the same room with heterosexual people of a female persuasion other than you

Or

Your DH is of an adulterous nature, in which case you should be worried about him any time, not just when he happens to be working away with female colleagues. And he'll probably be up to it with someone you don't even suspect.

I don't think there is a middle scenario where he is a straight-up decent guy in normal circumstances but, because he happens to be lured into late-night TV-watching trysts with this brazen Jezebel colleague, he is therefore going to lose all control of his otherwise reliable penis.

sonjadog · 16/02/2016 20:59

I can see why you are wondering, but I can also see why it is a natural thing for them to do. If they are away every week for four nights, it sounds pretty miserable to have to sit alone for hours in your room every evening when there is someone you could spend time with close by.

Believeitornot · 16/02/2016 21:01

People either trust their partners or they don't

Unless they do something to question that trust.

Marchate · 16/02/2016 21:02

If 'we watched that' is verbatim, I would shudder. Watching telly is one thing; referring to himself and the colleague as 'we' is another

But I'm very interested in the words & expressions people use

StealthPolarBear · 16/02/2016 21:05

Do people not use the time when they're staying a hotel to work? Might just be me but I can't imagine wasting time being bored or sitting lonely in my hotel room. I always could do with the extra overtime! !

mammmamia · 16/02/2016 21:06

On the fence with this one. I have worked away a lot pre DC and often in a group would all go to one person's room to watch TV - something like the Apprentice that everyone was following and was fun to watch together.
I'm not sure I would go to one male colleague's room and watch TV. Too intimate. I would happily have dinner or drinks with male colleague alone and have done many many times - lots of them are good friends now.

CooPie10 · 16/02/2016 21:08

I would t be happy with that but then again my Dh wouldn't do it as he would think it inappropriate like I would.

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