Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

Just ask DH if he'd be happy for you to watch TV in a hotel bedroom with a male colleague.

I travel for work and on occasion have been in far flung places with male colleagues both married and single.

We spend all day working (as per the UK), we have dinner and drinks in the hotel (usually do this in the Uk once a week, if the conversation/project requires it) Then go to our separate rooms (in the UK we go to our respective houses, to relax and unwind) would never dream of going to a male or female colleagues room to watch TV.

Only once was I invited to my bosses room for drinks, and after getting myself thoroughly worked up about this, knocked, entered to realise it was the living room of a suite and there were 8 others all having pre dinner drinks and canapés! HE thought it would be a nice change of scene as opposed to the bar!!

Plum great story! At least it ended up ok. Being put in that position when you're not comfortable I expect can be quite nerve wracking

plumstone that's quite funny, were you disappointed or mightly relieved?!

Hugely relieved!!!! He is the last person who I would think would do anything questionable!!

My face must have said everything as he and everyone else thought the look of relief when I saw them all in the room was hilarious!!!!!

Ive been on loads of business trips with male colleagues. Never been near any of them. Never watched tv in any of their rooms either. Purely because we were always out in the evenings having dinner/cocktail parties (corporate) with others. My ex DH is a businessman and his female colleagues who he went away on business with were never a threat. He was good mates with them as well as colleagues. They became my friends too. What is she like?

Lweji, I suppose you're right about me not really understanding how affairs start because I've never had one. I just know that for the past 35 years I would've been one of the posters saying 'it wouldn't bother me because I trust my dh' but now I feel differently, I feel that I was naive before but am now wiser.

Believe me if my DH can do it, anyone can, and those posters who think that their DH never would, under any circumstances, are wrong.

It may suit people to think that abandoned wives married the wrong type, or didn't see the warning signs, or didn't keep their man happy etc etc but it's not true.

And whilst I take the point that men should be responsible for their own fidelity, and that it isn't our job to police them, I also think that it is a mark of respect if the man doesn't just practise fidelity but also is seen to be practising it, to demonstrate that his boundaries are in place and enforced, and that he wouldn't put himself in a potentially tempting situation.

Anyone can and people have done it without getting in each other's rooms.

But, as in my first post, without any other signs, I'd just keep my eyes open.

I just don't think it's either inevitable nor a non-issue.

Sorry:
... or a non-issue.

I have no illusions about people having affairs, let me say that right now.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, together for nearly 30. As far as I know he's never had an affair. I certainly haven't. I do trust him, but also I acknowledge that there's always the possibility if either of us could be bothered by now.

When I think back to all the trips I've been on with work, the decisions I've made about spending time with other colleagues has always been made on the basis of the relationship I feel that I have with them. So if there was any sniff of anything being taken the wrong way, then I wouldn't suggest going back to their room/accepting an invitation to go back to their room.

Surely that's what we would all do? Make a decision on the basis of what we feel is acceptable at the time?

I'm still puzzled that so many people would rule it out at all, without considering how bloody lonely and depressing it can be if you're away from home for 4 days a week, every week.

It's very easy to say what you would and wouldn't do if you aren't travelling away from home like this.

It would bother me

If working away with a man 4 nights a week I wouldn't mind having dinner with him and a drink at the hotel bar for instance, but I wouldn't spend time relaxing with him in his hotel room. I don't think its necessary, nor appropriate, anyway. So no risk of potentially causing misunderstandings

If OH did that then Id tell him outright I wasn't happy with it. I don't believe in not saying what makes you feel uncomfortabe for fear of what others think.

Although I wonder what your DH would say if the positions were reversed, and it was you

I think that this is not just about cheating, it's about intimacy. It's about not putting yourself in a position where boundaries become blurred and feelings can grow.

I think this is the real reason why boundaries are needed.

From the OP, it's 4 nights a week that the OH and female colleague are away.

That's plenty long enough time to build a friendship that turns into an affair. It's the intimacy that causes the problem. So, if I were away on a regular basis, with the same person, I'd be keeping my boundaries up, and to me that means not going into someone else's room.

No reply from OP and thread now 11 pages, hope all is ok?

Can I just point out, if a woman came on here and said she happened to mention to her partner that she'd watched 'Bake Off' with a colleague in a hotel and he'd immediately jumped to conclusions she was fucking him; she'd be told that was abuse and to LTB.

I'm just baffled, mainly, at how many people seem to find spending time by themselves so unbearable that they would rather go and sit and watch tv in a work colleague's hotel room. I can't think of anything worse, personally.
After a long day's work, being around people, then possibly dinner with them, I am desperate for some time alone. I also need a space that feels like mine and mine alone. I would find it horribly invasive if a colleague came and hung out there - as someone said earlier, it would be like them coming into my bedroom.
My DH works away for big chunks of time - up to two months. Granted it's largely with other men but there has never been a time when someone else has set foot in his hotel room. Many nights he will even skip the meal out so order room service and get a bit of extra time to himself.
Skyping me is always the priority in the evenings.
When we are apart, we miss each other a great deal but neither of us are lonely for the company of others. There's no other person's presence that could make me miss him less.
I would never in a million years go into an opposite sex colleague's hotel room and neither would my DH. And it's not because I think he would instantly be shagging them - it's just crossing a line as it's too intimate a setting.
We don't have trust issues, not at all, but what we do have is healthy boundaries.

I think for a lot of people too ( as prev posters have pointed out ) it´s if you deem the other colleague a threat. Esp if you haven´t met them. For e.g, would the OP still think it´s inappropriate and too intimate if the female colleague was fat, nearing retirement, a Grandma, happily married for 40yrs or homosexual?? What if the OP knew all these things, was aware who her OH was watching telly with in the hotel room most nights?

Would people still feel threatened and unhappy about the situation? Just playing Devil´s Advocate and thinking hypothetically.....

Human nature and psychology is very interesting. I think most women ( I´m female so can only speak from my perspective ) would only feel unhappy about it if the colleague was an unknown quantity or if they knew the female colleague was young, attractive and unattached. Otherwise, it´d be no different to your OH watching telly in his room with another man, right? That´s not to say we are all jealous wenches or insecure as soon as our OHs are out of sight. I think it´s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable in this example. Because there´s more potential for your OH to be attracted to said female. You may trust your OH but can you trust the colleague?

In a way, trust becomes a non-issue. Because equally, what about the man who works away and wonders if his wife may be getting hit on by the friend/colleague/neighbour he thinks fancies her? I think trust works both ways and the guy working away could be equally as uncomfortable about leaving his attractive, lonely, bored partner back home.

But we can´t spend our time being paranoid wrecks. As has been mentioned, if someone is destined to cheat they will cheat, whether one partner works away or not.

Wow lot of believers in 'destiny' on this thread!?

Indeed, Helmet - and some sort of belief that no-one is able to take personal responsibility

I´m simply saying that if someone will cheat in the future then they´re gonna cheat, no matter what ¨boundaries¨ are in place or how insecure/trusting the partner is. We just have to get on with our lives and not give it too much headspace. You can´t keep tabs on people and expect a healthy, happy relationship to continue under such scrutiny.

A lot of it´s up to personal judgment and common decency/respect for our partners. It´s not like people embarking on a relationship sit down with a contract of Do´s and Don´ts i.e boundaries!

Why worry about what might or might not happen? Trust someone until they give you reason not to, imo anyway. But communicate along the way. So in the OP´s case for e.g, just speak to the OH and say you don´t feel it´s very respectful and you don´t feel comfortable with it. Totally reasonable.

But as has been stated, if he´s gonna cheat he´s gonna cheat. We can´t worry about the things we can´t control. Just let people know what you´re personally gonna tolerate. As we´ve seen on here, some people would be cool with the watching telly together, lots wouldn´t.

We don´t always know our partner´s boundaries until we come up against them do we? In the case of the OP´s OH, it´s probably all innocent but it didn´t cross his mind that his wife would have a problem with it. Maybe he would be cool with her sitting at home watching telly in the bedroom with a male colleague? Who knows until that particular situation arises??

Completely agree Toast Demon, I used to work away from home, for years, and got on well with colleagues, male and female.
But, my room was my sanctuary, space to unwind, catch up with home, do some work, relax, whatever.

I was more than happy to say goodbye to colleagues, at the end of the working day, and yes, sometimes it was just me, and a male colleague, with whom I got on very well. I am sure he valued his free time as much as I did, and rang his wife, watched tv etc, in his own room.

I think if my dh said he was often in the room of a male colleague watching films and drinking, I'd fine it a bit odd too.

If someone is a cheat then they will cheat, but even perfectly happy couples are at risk from infidelity if people are put into situations that give room for cheating.

Absolutely. You'd think after a long day at work you'd be glad of some peace! I know I would.
If people can't survive 4 nights without needing the late night company of a work colleague - then that's a worry in itself.

In a way, trust becomes a non-issue. Because equally, what about the man who works away and wonders if his wife may be getting hit on by the friend/colleague/neighbour he thinks fancies her? I think trust works both ways and the guy working away could be equally as uncomfortable about leaving his attractive, lonely, bored partner back home.

Completely agree.

If people can't survive 4 nights without needing the late night company of a work colleague - then that's a worry in itself.

Really?!

Have you ever done this kind of travelling/working away from home? Thankfully I don't do that much of it, but it's quickly very soul destroying and can be really miserable - no matter how lovely the hotel you're staying in.

I can absolutely see how you'd want company.

I'm another one who likes my own space, especially at the end of the day. Nothing better than being able to lounge around in my hotel room in my PJs, watching crap telly and/or Mumsnetting! But equally, when you've been somewhere for a week on your own, you can start to crave company.