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Original poster

Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

292 replies

baubloxx · 16/02/2016 20:35

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 16/02/2016 21:59

So have you never met this particular colleague then? Or has he spoke about her before having to work away with her?

It´s tricky really....and it´s easy to over-think things and get into Paranoid Territory! I would be a bit uncomfortable with it tbh. Cos then I would start wondering, so who invited who into whoever´s room? Or do they just take turns??Confused You could go a bit bonkers imagining allsorts really.....

They could obv just have a ¨matey¨-type relationship and genuinely get on well. Does she have a husband I wonder? It is most probably totally innocent. It´s just not very nice being at home alone watching the News at 10pm, knowing your OH is in a hotel room also watching that with a woman you´ve never met raiding the mini bar/ordering Room Service

MirandaWest · 16/02/2016 22:01

I wouldn't have thought that XH in his time away was doing anything with a work colleague of his. Now I'm not sure exactly when the affair started but it may well have been some time when he was working away

bakingaddict · 16/02/2016 22:06

I would be iffy about this....my DH doesn't work away but has female colleagues he goes out to drinks with sometimes in a group sometimes just the two of them no problems there.

It's the intimacy part of it that worries me, unless they are staying in some really high end hotel suite i'd imagine it would just be the bed to comfortably sit on. I'd also say it's quite unprofessional for your husband to do this, if any allegations of sexual harassment did ever arise then he makes the situation much more difficult.

wintersocks · 16/02/2016 22:07

Well I was ok with exh going on business trips with a work colleague and he ended up shagging her in the hotel. Having said that I doubt much tv watching went on in that case. But no, I would not be ok with it. Have you met her?

OhYouLuckyDuck · 16/02/2016 22:08

You either trust him (in which case it's fine) or you don't (in which case this colleague of his is the least of your problems).
It wouldn't bother me as long as I trusted DH.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/02/2016 22:08

Miranda Or it may not, and may have started in the office before he was working away. We meet people in our daily lives, either at work or in a society or club of a hobby we do regularly. Being away from home doesn't automatically mean someone is more likely to have an affair than not.

Lauren15 · 16/02/2016 22:09

Dh travels a lot. In one of his previous roles, he had to travel a lot with a young attractive female colleague. There was a lot of socialising involved as well. I never felt worried. Travelling for work is very boring and lonely so it's nice to have company and I have no problem if it's male or female. However I draw the line at going into the room of someone of the opposite sex. Several years ago my dh attended a large meeting in Budapest. The day after he came home I was using his phone and found a message from a female colleague asking him to bring her medicine to her room but not to tell anyone as she didn't want them to get the wrong idea. Something about that pissed me off and I told him never to be in that situation again. Sounds stupid looking back but I felt that crossed a line.

JessieMcJessie · 16/02/2016 22:11

YANBU.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/02/2016 22:11

Wintersocks Don't you think it would have happened anyway, if your exh was happy to throw away his wedding vows? Being away with work made it perhaps a bit more convenient but if the attraction was already there and that strong, my guess he would still have cheated on you, just at your place when you weren't there, or her place if she was single.

SlowFJH · 16/02/2016 22:13

I travel for work with colleagues a lot and usually have meals with them. But I do think it's unusual to have watched the same show together. I think it's risky to go to a colleague's bedroom. I would ask where they watched the show.

bakeoffcake · 16/02/2016 22:14

My DH worked away for a week at a time, for about 5 years. I would not be happy for him to be watching TV with a female colleague in their bedroom.

And I think he'd be absolutely mortified if someone suggested it to him.

wintersocks · 16/02/2016 22:15

Probably still but I do think opportunity is a factor, and agree with a pp that sometimes these things are not as clear cut as cheater/non cheater and they evolve from time spent together etc. I'd like to think it was clear cut and next time I could find a 'non cheater' but I'm not sure it is.

SoThatHappened · 16/02/2016 22:15

I am afraid I can't imagine watching TV with a male colleague in a hotel room.

Me either. I have had a think about all the male colleagues I have worked with in the past and .....nope. I wouldnt do it. If I am working with them, dinner with them. Then fuck it, I want to have a shower and watch tv in my pajamas lying on the bed by myself....or even talk on the phone to my partner who I am away from.

Not a fucking male colleague in my bedroom or me in theirs. Just no. Unless I fancied them of course....

Naoko · 16/02/2016 22:15

I personally wouldn't care at all, but people tell me I'm weird for not giving a flying fuck who DP goes places and does stuff with as long as they all keep their clothes on, so...I don't know, clearly I'm not the societal norm so it might be reasonable for you to be bothered.

I don't really get it though. You're not there, so him watching tv with her isn't stopping him from spending time with you, and if he was going to cheat on you I don't think whether or not she's already in his room is going to make the difference.

FloraFurball · 16/02/2016 22:18

I work away fairly regularly. Sometimes on my own but sometimes with male/female colleagues. We go out to eat together and sometimes we do just get together with a beer to watch telly together in someone's room. There is never any funny business. Ever. We are friends and colleagues, nothing more.

But I have to say that I get so very pissed off by threads like this. If you don't trust your partner get the fuck out. Don't make them miserable with your ridiculous insecurities and paranoid delusions. Get a fecking life!

twirlypoo · 16/02/2016 22:20

I am torn!

In my last role I worked away a lot (up to 3 months in a bloody hotel at a time) but more often for 4/5 nights. It was a very young company and we would all eat / drink together, then often pile back into someone's room to watch tv. Depending on the project the colleagues would vary on each trip, so it would often be just me and another man having the same routine as above - because that was just the pattern for working away, and it never crossed our minds to change it because it was just 2 of us.

Now in my current role, I would be awkward as fuck to have someone come to my room and watch tv there. My boss suggested it tentatively on the last trip and I freaked a bit and said I fancied a beer so could we meet the bar instead.

So, erm, that's me fully on the fence then! Sorry! I think it comes down to do you trust your husband?

Canyouforgiveher · 16/02/2016 22:20

It is absolutely not acceptable and completely against all normal business companion protocol or etiquette (if there is such a thing) to go into each other's hotel rooms. Even my female colleagues I would always meet at the bar for a drink.

I agree with this. I have travelled a lot for work, including travel with people I am very friendly with and would never go to their hotel rooms - male or female. DH has travelled even more than me. If he told me he had watched tv in his room with his male or female colleague I would think he had taken leave of his senses - not that he was having an affair.

This is work - not hanging out in a hotel with your buddies. Dinner, drinks, a walk about the town, all fine. There is something very unprofessional about sitting on a bed and a chair watching tv with a colleague.

And yes of course someone can end up having an affair anywhere. But surely sitting in a hotel bedroom after dinner and drinks together is a bit more likely to put the thought in someone's mind.

I'd love to know who suggested this arrangement OP.

GinIsIn · 16/02/2016 22:20

I work in a largely male environment and sometimes work away with my colleagues, and wouldn't have a problem at all with watching telly in their room, or expect my DH to have a problem with it.

But then I think it helps that my work are a lovely closeknit bunch who my DH knows.

I suppose it depends on the situation and the colleague?

MrsRolandRat · 16/02/2016 22:24

I work away with my job. I'm abroad as I fly for a living.

I'd happily have dinner with a male colleague but wouldn't watch tv with one.

But then again I enjoy my own company and alone time in my hotel room. Not everyone does.

eurochick · 16/02/2016 22:26

I agree with tellmemore too. I travel for business quite a bit. Having dinner and/or drinks together is common. Going to a colleague's room, is not. I've gone to a colleague's room to do a conference call a few times and even with female colleagues it feels uncomfortable. A hotel room is a private space.

MoominPie22 · 16/02/2016 22:30

Flora no need to throw a paddy! She´s already stated she trusts her OH and how the feck is she making him miserable with her ridiculous insecurities and paranoid delusions!?? Shock

The vast majority of people are responding that they´d feel uncomfortable with this level of intimacy. You are in the minority! OP, YANBU.

SlowFJH · 16/02/2016 22:31

It would be less of a issue if it were a group of colleagues. As it's just two of them, they are both exposing themselves and the company to uneccessary risk (especially if one of them is more senior to the other). They still on company business (even if it's outside normal hours). If things go sour.. All it would take is for the more junior of the two to say "I didn't feel I could say no". Sexual harassment grievance or lawsuit just waiting to happen.

If they are peers it less of an issue. But as I said earlier, most work colleagues escape to their rooms for some well earned privacy after spending long hours together.

FloraFurball · 16/02/2016 22:35

OP - you say in your post that you trust your DH. Which translates to me that your concern must be because you don't trust your DH's female colleagues somehow.

I assume from your post that you are totally committed to your DH and wouldn't be tempted by another bloke. Why on earth would you assume that his female colleagues aren't as equally committed to their DHs? I don't equate watching telly in a hotel room with colleagues with shagging them. Is your DH some sort of woman magnet that nobody could resist? I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but even so.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/02/2016 22:37

Canyouforgive Why is sitting in a hotel bedroom watching TV with a colleague somehow regarded as unprofessional but a whole group of people from the office, usually of varying levels of seniority, going out on the town on a Friday night and getting totally wasted, with some of them pissing or throwing up in the street is perfectly OK and not unprofessional? Because I see that all the time and personally, I think that's far more unprofessional.

SlowFJH · 16/02/2016 22:40

StillDrSeth
The key difference is that on a night out there would be independent witnesses if any accusations were made subsequently