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Original poster

Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

292 replies

baubloxx · 16/02/2016 20:35

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 17/02/2016 10:05

Moomin more and more common on MN these days in my experience, discourteous and annoying. Makes me think twice about offering advice to be honest.

MoominPie22 · 17/02/2016 10:59

Jessie Yes I´ve found that too. It´s irritating tbh. As you say, it´s pretty rude! I mean, at least rtn once to thank everyone for their feedback and contributions.....

Well this is the last time I´m bumping this thread Hmm I think some people are bored and want to start a debate for the sake of it!

Want2bSupermum · 17/02/2016 19:13

lweji I wouldn't invite anyone into my hotel room when away on business. It creates too many potential issues and blurs lines. If DH invited a woman back to his hotel room with twin beds I wouldn't like it so I extend the same curtesy to him.

Also I am dead set against sharing as my colleagues are younger than me. Only one is married and none of them have a child let alone a 3rd on the way. I sing, read and talk to my kids and to someone who doesn't have kids they don't understand how vital it is that I have that time with them each day. When away with work there is normally a time difference with me being 1-3 hours behind so it's great I can step away to my own room. I also speak to my kids every morning. I wake up really early to do this. Doesn't make you popular!!!

DadOnIce · 17/02/2016 21:08

TheStoic : you appear to think I am "naive" because I am refusing to be drawn into the acceptance of a narrative in which the otherwise honourable and decent hubby is lured into bed by the charms of Ms Brazen Hussy, his bosomy work colleague, fluttering her eyelashes at him in the hotel bar. I think you'll find I'm not alone in thinking that this is a somewhat outdated and borderline-sexist way of looking at things, and is the kind of shading which usually doesn't go down all that well here. It's usually called "woman-shaming" or similar.

stinkysnowbear · 17/02/2016 21:24

I wouldn't like it.

Just asked DP he said it wouldn't bother him in the slightest.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 21:55

I think you're naive dad on ice.

You said there are cheats and non cheats. That's a over simplification.

You seem to have no idea of the small steps people can take towards allowing themselves to cheat- they don't see themselves as cheats - it's just a few texts, then a lunch, then a dinner, etc etc

I dunno where you got your narrative of ms brazen hussy from but it's nothing people here have said.

Marchate · 17/02/2016 22:12

I do enjoy the funny things men contribute! Haha, those brazen hussies tempting men who otherwise keep their vows. What about the innocent madonnas who become magdalenes when wicked men lure them into sin?!!

Did we ever find out who visited whose room?

As for the OP disappearing, is this yet another wind up thread to 'expose' the bias of Mumsnet?

DadOnIce · 17/02/2016 22:56

Marchate - the ridiculousness of it is exactly my point. I was saying that I don't believe that scenario for a minute, but that it's the one a lot of people on here seem happy to go along with.

Look, I know you can't divide people down the middle into cheats and non-cheats. But you're either in a relationship built on trust, or you're not. You can't get away with saying your DH is fine and dandy and trustworthy, oh, apart from on those occasions when he is alone in a room 100 miles away from you with some woman he works with. You can't maintain that you trust your DH, but, oh, goodness, keep him away from those women, god, they're the death of him.

You either trust him, unconditionally, or you don't trust him. It doesn't depend on the circumstances.

TheStoic · 17/02/2016 22:57

TheStoic: you appear to think I am "naive" because I am refusing to be drawn into the acceptance of a narrative....

Wrong, DadOnIce. That's not why you are naive. I was ignoring your hyperbole about the 'brazen hussy', because it was irrelevant and silly.

You're naive for thinking there are cheaters, and there are non-cheaters - and that circumstance is meaningless.

All cheaters were non-cheaters once.

Marchate · 17/02/2016 23:01

And all non-cheaters can cheat tomorrow. Not because of the floozies! Because people make choices, and tomorrow's choice may differ from today's

DadOnIce · 17/02/2016 23:01

Fine. Believe what you like - I'm not really that invested in this. But what's coming through here is that a lot of people don't trust their DHs, so perhaps they should just admit that rather than pretending it depends on whether he gets into a certain situation.

TheStoic · 17/02/2016 23:04

I think boundaries are important. I have them, and I expect my partner to have them.

It's not about trust, it's about respect.

NewLife4Me · 17/02/2016 23:10

Don't most people trust somebody, until they are shat on from a great height?

You are either a cheater or not, the rest is down to opportunity.
It doesn't matter about any scenario, you either cheat or you don't.

NanaNina · 17/02/2016 23:27

I too am wondering where the OP is as others have commented too.....I agree that it is discourteous when so many people have given up their time to post and she can't be bothered to acknowledge the response or return to the thread. And yes I've noticed it quite a lot lately on MN. Think if it's a long thread I will scroll through a few pages and see if the OP is engaging with the debate - if not I won't bother to post.

SlowFJH · 18/02/2016 06:49

To be fair, she may be having a crucial conversation with her DH.

Helmetbymidnight · 18/02/2016 07:00

Oh not the old 'you trust them or you don't' I can't believe that line is still trotted out!

I trust dh but if he starts behaving bizarrely it will shake my trust. And vice versa.

Cheat or not cheat. Trust or not trust. - Such a black and white and odd attitude.

Sallystyle · 18/02/2016 07:16

I agree Helmet especially considering most people who cheat don't go out looking for someone to shag and it usually happens with a gradual crossing of boundaries and then re-writing history when you are in a 'fog' of infatuation.

I don't trust anyone 100% unconditionally and I think it is naive to do so. My husband has never given me a reason to think he would cheat on me but I'm not stupid enough to put 100% trust in anyone.

I don't put myself in positions where boundaries can be blurred and intimacy can grow (as another poster so wisely put it) and I expect my husband not to do the same. I work with men all the time and I have a male friend who I have gone out with for coffee but I draw the line at watching TV in a hotel room with a colleague.

daisychain01 · 18/02/2016 07:18

I can't believe some of the patronising "you are being silly" type posts! I stay away from home 2 nights a week and no way in a month of Sundays would you find me in a colleague's bedroom. By the time I get back from work to the hotel, have something to eat, get my clothes and work stuff ready for the next day and give my DP and DSS a call for a chat and goodnight, there isn't time for socialising in other people's bedrooms Hmm. My family is my priority, not least of all giving DP a clerk message that there is no need to worry. He trusts me and some of that comes from me giving positive messages.

OP in your situation I would want to talk with him, and find out where his priorities lie. YANBU to be concerned to be worried, next thing he'll start having mentionitis about his colleague.

daisychain01 · 18/02/2016 07:19

clear

Shutthatdoor · 18/02/2016 07:57

I can't believe some of the patronising "you are being silly" type posts!

Same works the other way. Implying that those that don't see any issue with it are doing something wrong.

my family is my priority

That implies that those that for those don't do what you do, it isn't.

My family is my priority too as it is for 99.9% of the population.

I have no problem with it, neither does my DH.

Some on here are implying that that is wrong and that there is some sort of 'etiquette' which there isn't

Each to their own.

Lweji · 18/02/2016 08:04

I do think people are usually not stupid and you won't fall unwillingly or unknowingly into an affair.

We can recognise when we're starting to get attracted or there is some chemistry, or the other person crosses boundaries. And we can choose not to sleep with someone.

As we can't follow our partners everywhere we do have to trust that they exercise their best judgement at all times. Or we couldn't let them out of our sight. And accept that there is always a risk that we get cheated on. And it's not only or even mainly for occasionally going into rooms to watch TV.

daisychain01 · 18/02/2016 08:23

My family is my priority too as it is for 99.9% of the population

I love the optimism. Have you read the Relationships board lately?

BTW I wasn't making a judgement call in general about every other people's behaviour. I was giving my own experiences of working away from home, and the fact that I place priority on work and home not being in someone else's bedroom.

But feel free to take my clearly worded comments about me (to give the OP context as why I find her DHs behaviour questionable) and make out I was generalising to everyone. She isn't silly as some say she is..

daisychain01 · 18/02/2016 08:24

Format failure! as it is for 99.9% of the population

daisychain01 · 18/02/2016 08:30

And I'm not implying or stating "Your DH is having an affair/about to have an affair/fancies his colleague."

As already well stated upthread these are nuanced situations, not black and white. There will always be people who say it's no problem etc. Fine. The difference is the OP doesn't like it or she wouldn't have posted!

TheStoic · 18/02/2016 08:31

Almost Every person on this board believes they chose a non-cheater for a partner.

And they almost always did.

It was almost always later that non-cheater became cheater.

So do some people truly believe that's down to destiny, not circumstance?