Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

[JessieMcJessie]

stilldrsethhazlitt both are unprofessional, for different reasons. Getting wasted and throwing up is uncouth and disgusting .

Sitting in a hotel room with your colleague's personal things around you both, possibly sitting on a bed, is just too intimate for a business trip.

When I was a very very junior lawyer I was on a work trip away and had to go to my boss' hotel room to help him work on a document. I had to sit on the end of the bed while we discussed it; he was seated at the desk. I must have taken off my shoes, don't ask me why. At one point he reached out and tickled my feet. I was utterly shocked and brushed it off and we
never spoke of it again. He was engaged and when in the office often talked to me about his fiancée in glowing terms. He wasn't that much older than me; at the time I was maybe 23 and he early thirties. I have no idea if it was a one-on or not but it was most definitely too intimate for a work scenario.

[JessieMcJessie]

One-on= come-on. This guy was not a sleaze in any other way but the hotel room seemed to do something odd to him.

[HeadJudgeLen]

Nah. I have travelled much with work and had dinner with all sorts of blokes - suppliers and colleagues. Some were a trial, some were lovely, some were fun. I never felt the need to invite any of them into my hotel room ever. The bar is there if you want to chat on after food.

[bakingaddict]

I think it's naive to suggest that the OP shouldn't have any concerns. I doubt most people wake up with the express purpose of committing adultery and ruining theirs or somebody else's marriage. Rather these things grow and evolve by people being put together in situations where opportunity is increased and barriers to actually doing the deed are somewhat removed. Maybe at the moment they watch TV together, as they get more comfortable with each more barriers are relaxed and an affair is born.

[SlowFJH]

I had a work colleagues come to my room oncr - to collect a document once. The whole exchange lasted less than a few minutes and felt very strange. I would advise all work colleagues to steer clear of such risks if possible. Months later - if there is a entirely separate disagreement (e.g over a performance rating or bonus payment etc) - the "host" has left him / hersself open to accusation (or interpretation) that an the resulting treatment stems from a spurned sexual advance. His /her employer won't be bothered about the precise intent between a tickle on a barefoot etc. They'll just to stay out of court.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

If there's a spark between them it's bad, if there isn't it isn't relevant.

My friend was engaged to a guy who went on a couple of away trip with a female colleague. They're not engaged anymore. There was a spark, it didn't progress to a relationship but whatever did happen was enough to make him realise his fiancée wasn't the one.

[Purplehonesty]

I've done it before. Been away for a week or so with a male Colleague on the same course.
We shared a bottle of red in my room and watched tv as the bar prices were the same as a bottle from the off licence!
When I got home and told dh he wasn't happy at all. It didn't occur to me to be honest - the guy was 20 years older than me and happily married etc.
So I never did it again and now I think about it I would be unhappy if he did the same. Maybe not so much with a married 60yo tho!

[tingon]

I think that this is not just about cheating, it's about intimacy. It's about not putting yourself in a position where boundaries become blurred and feelings can grow.

I trust my DH almost totally. I wouldn't trust anybody completely totally, not even myself.

[FloraFurball]

I think StillDrSeth and I have never worked with such unpleasant people as described on this thread.

I have watched tv in colleagues rooms and had them join me to watch tv in mine. Working away from home for extended periods is lonely. You do latch on to your friends but only for companionship. There has never been any shagging or any unpleasant, letchy behaviour when I've worked away. I find it hard to believe that we are the exception.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Canyouforgive Why is sitting in a hotel bedroom watching TV with a colleague somehow regarded as unprofessional but a whole group of people from the office, usually of varying levels of seniority, going out on the town on a Friday night and getting totally wasted, with some of them pissing or throwing up in the street is perfectly OK and not unprofessional? Because I see that all the time and personally, I think that's far more unprofessional.

I agree. That is equally unprofessional. I work in the US for a company where what you described would be regarded as horrifically unprofessional. We've had good nights out to celebrate stuff where people were drinking but I have never seen any colleague pissing or throwing up in the streets.

[SlowFJH]

FloraFurball
I'm sure you're right. Even if the behaviour is entirely innocent, it is still advisable to avoid unnecessary risk if you can.

In general, I would say an invitation to a colleague's bedroom is crossing a boundary. Not sure but I have a feeling HR would raise an eyebrow - especially if the colleagues were on different levels in terms of seniority...The defence of "I didn't feel I could say no" is a tough one to refute.

[Want2bSupermum]

DH and I both travel/ have travelled for work a lot. It is totally unacceptable to go into a hotel room to watch television together. Now, you might find they sat at the bar and watched something. That is fine but NEVER in the hotel room.

BTW - My employer threatens to have us share hotel rooms when we have to travel for training. DH to this day has said that he would prefer we pay for me to have my own room than share. He saw my face when I got the email from HR about room sharing and was in totally agreement that it is entirely inappropriate to share a hotel room with any colleague.

[ClarenceTheLion]

Why on earth would you assume that his female colleagues aren't as equally committed to their DHs? I don't equate watching telly in a hotel room with colleagues with shagging them. Is your DH some sort of woman magnet that nobody could resist?

I can understand people wanting to reassure the OP, but a straight man and woman alone in a hotel room together don't need to be man and women magnets (and we don't know if she has a partner) to be tempted by the opportunity they have in front of them. Personally, I've never encountered a workplace without affairs going on. Not that I've ever joined in... It's awkward as fuck when someone's wife comes in and you see her innocently chatting away with her DP and his office piece. I've also been propositioned by 'lovely-trustworthy-would-never-do-that' men, the worst being a married man whose young daughter was in the middle of serious cancer treatment.

This is a weird quirk of MN. On the relationships board there are always threads on the first page where women have discovered affairs, or been left, or are admitting to affairs, every possible variant. I came here from reading a thread where someone just left his wife for someone at work. But amongst all this, as soon as someone posts 'My DP is spending a lot of time alone with his female colleague, am I right to be worried?' she's told that she's paranoid! Every time.

Taking my cynical hat off, of course it may be above board. And of course most people are capable of having platonic friendships. But he's spending more time with her than with you, and they are hanging out together after hours in each others hotel rooms (which are usually bedrooms with an attached bathroom.) And why just them? Are they the only two working away? It's not one to brush under the carpet IMO.

[donajimena]

Still even more dropping in who are unable to watch tv on their own because they are 'lonely' can you really not watch tv on your own?

[Canyouforgiveher]

BTW - My employer threatens to have us share hotel rooms when we have to travel for training.

I think Walmart does this for its executives. I would find another job.

[LogicalThinking]

I used to go away with a male colleague on business. We would have dinner together and spend time in each other's rooms because it was somewhere we could sit, drink, chat or work. I can't recall ever watching TV but we talked a lot so there was never a need to.
I was married, he was living with his girlfriend, we managed not to sleep with each other because it was never even a temptation. We didn't want to, it simply wasn't the nature of our relationship.

[TheNaze73]

I think people who would be really bothered by this, are judging their partners by their standards. If someone is working hard all week, bringing in the money & getting everything they need from a relationship, why is it a problem? Used to do this all the time with a colleague & never even entertained the thought of boredom sex

[FloraFurball]

I get that Clarence I've worked with married people who are having affairs and have been propositioned myself. It's grim.

But the people I work away with now I've known for a very long time and we just aren't interested in each other in that way. We're far more likely to spend a couple of hours talking about grandchildren and pensions entitlements before we decamp to someone's room to watch Midsomer Murders because they've got the football on the TV in the bar and refuse to turn it over.

Rock & roll...

[HooseRice]

Have worked away loads and stayed in hotels where male colleagues are also staying, while both single and while in relationships. I've eaten out with colleagues on these trips, local council bods, clients, subcontractors etc. On occasion I've gone on the piss with the same people. I can't think of an occasion I've been in another person's hotel room unless I was jumping their bones.

Also, I've only ever watched TV in a hotel room, alone or otherwise, while on the bed.

[EBearhug]

Depends on lots of things. The hotel I'm typing this in - you have to be fairly intimate if there were anyone else here. You have to sir on the bed to watch TV. But back when I worked for a more generous employer, I got to stay in a hotel suite - you could watch TV on the sofa and have dinner on a table probably large enough to comfortably seat 4, and never see the bed at all, if you closed the door to that part of the suite. That wouldn't be any different from having a colleague in my sitting room at home. Some colleagues, that would be fine, but others I wouldn't feel comfortable with them in a hotel suite or my own home. Most adults should be capable of working out which colleagues they're comfortable with and which they aren't, and know whether they're at risk of ripping their clothes off. If you think that is a risk and they might succumb to it, then you've got more issues than them being in the same hotel as a colleague.

[Lottie2611]

I would be livid lol

[tingon]

Lottie I think I'm with you.

[SlowFJH]

Unless they had suites, most hotel rooms have little addition space for anything other than a desk, chair at the desk, just one slightly more comfortable chair perhaps a smallish sofa and of course the bed. Even if you want some leisure time together - it's likely that there would be far more comfortable areas (with more space for both to relax) other than one of their bedrooms.

As mentioned earlier - it might be a bit easier if it's a group. But then there'd be even less space to relax in a bedroom.

Being seen by someone leaving the bedroom of a colleague - would lead most people to draw one (perhaps unfair) conclusion. So why risk it? The UK workplace is becoming as litigious as the US.

[alltouchedout]

I wouldn't like it. I don't think it's rational that I wouldn't like it, because I don't think DH would ever cheat on me. But I still wouldn't want him to do that.