Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

[Canyouforgiveher]

people will make spurious complaints of sexual harassment, racial and gender discrimination and so on to get money after being fired.

Why are you so sure it is spurious. I'm sure some cases are but the reality is there is way more sexual harassment, racial and gender discrimination that goes on than EVER gets reported still less sued for. And I say this as someone who lives and works in the US.

I think people who would be really bothered by this, are judging their partners by their standards. If someone is working hard all week, bringing in the money & getting everything they need from a relationship, why is it a problem?

I can't even get my head around this. What is bringing in the money got to do with anything? Or getting everything they need from a relationship. Do you really think the only people who have affairs are those "who aren't getting everything they need from a relationship"? Well I suppose in fairness, that is what those who have affairs say - "I wasn't getting everything I needed from the relationship"

Do people really need it spelled out to them why it isn't a great idea to have a few drinks and then sit on the bed with a colleague to chat and watch tv (unless you are all in hotel suites with separate sitting rooms in which case please let me know your jobs) when away from home because...human nature and all that. Are people really that innocent?

[TheStoic]

I don't think there is a middle scenario where he is a straight-up decent guy in normal circumstances but, because he happens to be lured into late-night TV-watching trysts with this brazen Jezebel colleague, he is therefore going to lose all control of his otherwise reliable penis.

Oh dear. The naivity here is almost sweet!

People aren't destined to be cheaters or non cheaters from birth. Most cheating is due to circumstances, not DNA or even character.

[perfumedlife]

If it feels wrong, it IS wrong, That is all you need to know. And you feel wrong.

[sofato5miles]

A lot of infidelity occurs because the opportunity presents itself. Hence the need for clear boundaries and a lack of blind naivety. And it certainly isn't just men who are unfaithful.

[TinyPawz]

When I worked away 3 months at a time, every night without fail my married male friend/colleague watched tv or movie in my cabin (converted 20ft shipping container), only big enough for a bed. Absolutely nothing happened nor did either of us want anything to happen.

If it makes any difference, I was early 30's recently separated. He was and still is happily married with 3 beautiful children.

[Lanark2]

I think its important that once you start a relationship, you make sure that all your friendships, interactions, hobbies and spare time is spent only with the same sex, unless you are bi, in which case, no friendships at all unless it's with people who can no longer be sexually active.

[Want2bSupermum]

I am in the US and I think having separate rooms due to risk of sexual harassment is down to people looking to have an excuse to have their own room. No one who travels frequently for work wants to share a room with anyone. You spend so much time with others that when it comes to the end of the day you want to go back to your room and call your OH. At least that is what DH and I want to do when we are away.

[Lweji]

That's quite drastic. And unreasonable.

People keep taking about the bed, but many rooms have twin beds, which would make it less intimate.

In your case, OP, it could go either way, but not too dissimilar from regular work, where they could be meeting at breaks all day and become intimate enough to start a relationship.

I think while he talks naturally about what they do and watch it's probably safe. I'd worry if he suddenly became vague or evasive.

[Want2bSupermum]

Either way lweji I have zero interest in sharing a hotel room with anyone. If my employer wants me to travel the least they or their client can do is give me some privacy by getting me my own room. Im married with the third child on the way. My days of sharing rooms with others apart from my DH and/or kids are over. Also I don't think it's fair to my DH that I leave any grey area so that means I do not enter other colleagues rooms ever. We meet in the lobby.

[dratsea]

My dad often had to work away. In 80s he was visiting a remote project in South Asia and was put up in the guest bungalow. No television (and no electric or running water for that matter) and no way was there a bar or anything else to do in the evening! He returned to the bungalow after a long day on site to find bed made up, lamps lit, bag unpacked and his supper was brought to him. An hour later the plates were collected, bed turned down and as he left the steward paused and asked "What time you want Betty?". Betty was declined by my somewhat startled father, to the consternation of steward who noted "But all English have Betty" and naming his colleagues, "Bill and Ben like Betty very much, they have Betty each time they stay"

The penny dropped, dad ordered Betty for 7, and the tea tray was brought to the bungalow at 0700 in the morning, bed tea.

[MrEBear]

Dratsea that is so funny, thanks for sharing.

Something to remember lots of people seem to be comparing working away from home long-term to short business trips. Having done both I wouldn't want to invite a colleague into my room on a business trip somehow I wouldn't see the need I can put up with the loneliness for a few nights nor would I have the trust that nothing more than watching tv was intended in the invite.
But long-term working away you have time to build trust that your colleague is not after more than you are ok with.
If you were planning an affair you'd hardly tell people that you were in one room watching tv, or a dvd.
As for companies that expect colleagues to share rooms that would bug me, male or female everyone needs their own space. Yes in my eyes its ok to invite a friend in and hunt them when you want your space back. But its another having a colleague share it, seeing you in your pjs or less no thanks.

[isthismylifenow]

Well this is how I see it OP.

Now separated, stbxh travels a lot. He sometimes goes alone and sometime with colleagues, male and female.

If your dh is open and honest about what happened, then it think its ok. It's when they start hiding the truth that the issues begin imo.....

[Doingmyheadin2016]

No way would I be happy with that. You would have to be very comfortable with someone to go to their hotel room and sit watching tv together.

I agree with pps about how easily affairs start when opportunity arises.

After the way a 'happily married' family man put pressure on me for years to pursue an affair, even though his wife worked with us, I'm afraid I don't trust anyone any more. Not to mention all the workplace affairs I have seen over the years.

[LazyDaysAndTuesdays]

It is absolutely not acceptable and completely against all normal business companion protocol or etiquette (if there is such a thing) to go into each other's hotel rooms. Even my female colleagues I would always meet at the bar for a drink.

There is no such protocol or etiquette.if that's what you do or don't want to do, fine.

before you jump down my throat I travelled for business 3 days a week for over, at last check, 10 years and counting

[SlowFJH]

There is no such protocol or etiquette

But there is basic common sense.

At some point, in this whole encounter, one persob has to ask another person "Would you like to come to my room?". For the second individual to say "Yeah, sure." Could be an indication of complete trust and an utterly innocent encounter between two colleagues.

However the impression and conclusion drawn e.g. anyone someone overhearing, the hotel staff, other colleagues would be a negative one.

When we're at home, adults typically don't take platonic friends into bedrooms to relax.

For those who have done this (chill with a colleague in their own hotel room), do you share this with work colleagues, bosses, peers. If you do, I'm guessing there would be more than one

[Lweji]

Want2bSupermum
Where did I say they were sharing or that it was ok to share a room?

I just pointed out that watching TV in a room with two beds is quite different from watching in a room with one bed.
Two beds give personal space and doesn't feel intimate.

I once shared a sleeper cabin with a male colleague. There was no hint of a possibility of anything happening (also he was not a rapist, btw) and ir was fine. Not that I'd do it regularly, but it does depend on the person. I wouldn't have with other colleagues. The one who tried to take advantage we just shared an office and hardly a conversation.

OP, if he's the type that is fine with cheating he will, regardless.
There is the danger of him getting too close to her, so I would make sure to work out a way of keeping that intimacy between you two when away . Perhaps abusing skype.

[Nottodaythankyouorever]

anyone someone overhearing, the hotel staff

None if their business tbf. I'm sure they hear a lot worse than business colleagues arranging to watch television.

I'd feel a bit sorry for them if they had nothing better to gossip about.

[Trills]

The answer is we don't know is anything dodgy is going on.

People who say it is perfectly normal to watch TV in a hotel room when working away a lot - they are not saying that it IS perfectly innocent, just that if it were them it certainly could be.

People who say that they would never step inside a colleague's hotel room under any circumstances - hopefully they can see that many other people would do so innocently, so they cannot say that there IS something dodgy going on, just that if it were them then there would be.

[MarshaBrady]

In many hotels there's a separate area in the room, chairs, coffee table, tv.

Still couldn't imagine it. There's something nice about having a break, talking on the phone to Dh, rather than being that casual.

[EBearhug]

I think I'd be more comfortable sharing a twin room with some of my male colleagues than I would with my one female colleague, and I wouldn't be expecting to get up to anything with any of them. But I would also be having a strop if my dear employer expected me to share with any of them.

[GinismyTonic]

I recently spent a week away with a colleague and we spent a very nice evening relaxing and chatting in my room with a couple of drinks and the telly on. There was no hint of impropriety and both our partners knew about it. It would never have crossed my mind that anyone would think this odd or wrong. I guess it's just down to individual boundaries and relationships.

[ABetaDad1]

When I worked away with women on management consultancy projects I just had a rule. Don't go in their room.

Its not that difficult. If you want to socialise, go to the bar. By all means have dinner but make your excuses and go to your own room and watch TV.

I was once in a taxi in London and the male cab driver told me he had a similar simple rule. Don't get in the back of the taxi with a passenger.

It protects all parties then.

[SongBird16]

I wouldn't like it either op, but then that is exactly how stbxh's affair started.

I don't think anyone, least of all me, would have considered him the type to be unfaithful, and we'd been happy for decades.

If you look up the main reason for infidelity, it's 'opportunity'.

No, I wouldn't like it. He can't help working away, or who he works with, but out of respect for you it is not difficult to maintain some professional distance.

Even if it's boring to read/watch tv/work in his room alone every night (and I dispute that really) it's what you do out of respect for your partner and to make sure there's no misunderstanding.

[MoominPie22]

So page 5 and the OP is......where? how strange to start a thread lookin for opinions and not return!

[Helmetbymidnight]

Meh, We don't care!