Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

[Joysmum]

When DH is away, we speak daily about how our days went. If he didn't tell me he'd spent the evening with a colleague, why not? Spending 3 hours or so leisure time with someone would certainly be worthy of a mention!

If it's not been mentioned, that could only be because he thought I'd find it inappropriate. If he therefore thought it inappropriate enough to protect himself by not telling me, he knows he's crossed a boundary. Doing so multiple times makes him a serial offender.

So, if he's a serial offender of crossing boundaries, it can only be because his time with the colleague is more important to him than respecting my right to honesty and my boundaries.

I'd be fucking furious and would not be able to trust him after that. If you love someone, you don't continuously piss all over your partner's boundaries.

[landrover]

Really pisses me off when OP doesn't come back!

[MagicalHamSandwich]

Interesting, Lambzig, my company has a similar policy re. room sharing. I get my own when travelling for business and for most out of town training but we generally share (more often than not a double bed to to the availability of twins) when it comes to 'goodie' events.

Coming to think of it, this may be a factor in why I don't see an issue with being in colleagues rooms. As in: sharing a double bed with a complete stranger (albeit always of the same sex - but not everyone is straight after all) is obviously way more intimate than watching TV or having a drink from the minibar in someone's room. I reckon we may just all be rather used to this ...

[Lambzig]

So interesting. Just discussed this with DH as both of us have travelled with colleagues all our careers.

Both of us agreed that it's something we would never do, can't really put my finger on it, but there's just something a bit off with it. There's a line there with colleagues and that's over it. I think I feel like that about colleagues of the same sex too - no problem going out to eating together, but the hotel room is a private space (was utterly horrified when I joined my current company and found that during our 'away day' events, usually Eco volunteering of some sort, we were expected to share rooms, usually 3 to a room).

[Aridane]

Yes - tongues would start wagging at my workplace for tv watching in same hotel room - just would be regarded as unprofessional where I work.

( misses the point about a relationship question and thinks of it just from a work perspective)

[BIWI]

I totally get that some people want their own time, time to themselves. I'm pretty much like that too! But I can also quite understand that some people aren't. If you're an extrovert, then you get your 'energy' from other people - sometimes it's essential if you're an extrovert to not be on your own.

Anyway - we could all go on and on and round the houses forever - the point being that we all have different needs/expectations. And the OP is never coming back!

[Helmetbymidnight]

Mm but there are introverts and extroverts aren't there?

Dh would loathe watching 'bake off' with anyone in their hotel room (his idea of hell!) so if He did, I would be like wtaf?
Some people would hate to be in the room on their own and are still in the bar at gone midnight.

I think, when posters are worried (this non returner excepted ;)) it is often because what is going on is so out of character.

[ToastDemon]

BIWI until recently my DH worked away for weeks or months at a time. And he still never got lonely to the point where he'd want to spend the evenings hanging about in someone else's room.
In fact he'd often slope off by himself rather than having dinner/drinks with colleagues because the longer he was away, the more he'd just want his own space or to phone and chat to me.
As I said earlier - we'd miss each other. Other people's company didn't lessen how much we missed each other.
It's bloody ridiculous that people can't tolerate a bit of time in their own company, do they not have any sort of internal resources?

[LoveBoursin]

Can I ask about blurred boundaries?

Seen how a lot of people find their partner at work and a lot of people make a lot of very good friends through work too, how is that supposed to work when people are working away from home? Aren't y allowed to make friends ta work when you are way but it's ok if you go back home every evening?

for me the difference is when one person is making a good friend at work but that isn't translated into having a new good friend at home iyswim. So the other partner doesn't know about the friendship, they have never been presented etc etc... In effect, they are a 'hidden' friend rather than a friend.

I would have less of an issue with DH becoming good friends with someone at work, me meeting her, hearing about her/doing things together (like having a meal together etc...). I would have an issue with the secrecy.

[tingon]

If a non cheat had an emotional affair, does that make him a cheat?

Or because he kept it non physical is he still a non cheat?

[FifteenFortyNine]

OP, YANBU.

Boundaries are so easily blurred and priorities changed.

[alphabook]

I don't believe that either you're a cheater or you're not. People do bad things out of character all the time.

For me personally, two lonely people seeking company from each other in an intimate place like a hotel bedroom is not an appropriate situation to put yourself in. Its the loneliness that's the key issue, and the risk that it could cloud your judgement.

[SurferJet]

Biwi No, I've never had a job where I've had to spend nights away from home ( I wouldn't take a job that involved this tbh ) but even if I did, I know I wouldn't be watching TV with a colleague in my room. & this is for a few reasons;

1. I'm not that great in 1 - 1 situations ( I run out of things to say after about 10 minutes )
   
2. I've worked for large companies & I know how easy it is for silly rumours to start, so even if your late night bedroom session was entirely innocent, other colleagues may think differently & delight in telling everyone once back in the office.
   
3. there is a massive difference between spending time in the hotel lounge chatting ( which is what I'd do if I really needed company ) & being alone in your bedroom, & I'm sorry, but if you really can't see that then I just don't know what to say?

[Helmetbymidnight]

Oh I think it's much much lonelier being in a hotel room in a strange city rather than mooching about in your own home with your things around you. No comparison really.

[BIWI]

THey're not necessarily lonelier, but that are at home. In their own homes. When you're away it's not just about being lonely it's not having any of your home comforts with you. So a double whammy!

[SongBird16]

Biwi, I've never worked away for long periods but stbxh did this throughout our marriage.

This involved me going to work during the day and spending every evening home alone. Sometimes I met friends for a drink or a meal, and then went home.

Once home I did not feel the need to ask a male friend to pop round and keep me company while I watched tv, in any room of the house let alone the bedroom.

Why are the people working away any lonelier than the spouses left at home?

[BathtimeFunkster]

if he´s gonna cheat he´s gonna cheat.



For those of us who don't believe in pre-destination, that doesn't make any sense.

[BIWI]

If people can't survive 4 nights without needing the late night company of a work colleague - then that's a worry in itself.

Really?!

Have you ever done this kind of travelling/working away from home? Thankfully I don't do that much of it, but it's quickly very soul destroying and can be really miserable - no matter how lovely the hotel you're staying in.

I can absolutely see how you'd want company.

I'm another one who likes my own space, especially at the end of the day. Nothing better than being able to lounge around in my hotel room in my PJs, watching crap telly and/or Mumsnetting! But equally, when you've been somewhere for a week on your own, you can start to crave company.

[DontCareHowIWantItNow]

In a way, trust becomes a non-issue. Because equally, what about the man who works away and wonders if his wife may be getting hit on by the friend/colleague/neighbour he thinks fancies her? I think trust works both ways and the guy working away could be equally as uncomfortable about leaving his attractive, lonely, bored partner back home.

Completely agree.

[SurferJet]

Absolutely. You'd think after a long day at work you'd be glad of some peace! I know I would.
If people can't survive 4 nights without needing the late night company of a work colleague - then that's a worry in itself.

[PosieReturningParker]

If someone is a cheat then they will cheat, but even perfectly happy couples are at risk from infidelity if people are put into situations that give room for cheating.

[bakeoffcake]

I think if my dh said he was often in the room of a male colleague watching films and drinking, I'd fine it a bit odd too.

[Rachel0Greep]

Completely agree Toast Demon, I used to work away from home, for years, and got on well with colleagues, male and female.
But, my room was my sanctuary, space to unwind, catch up with home, do some work, relax, whatever.

I was more than happy to say goodbye to colleagues, at the end of the working day, and yes, sometimes it was just me, and a male colleague, with whom I got on very well. I am sure he valued his free time as much as I did, and rang his wife, watched tv etc, in his own room.

[MoominPie22]

I´m simply saying that if someone will cheat in the future then they´re gonna cheat, no matter what ¨boundaries¨ are in place or how insecure/trusting the partner is. We just have to get on with our lives and not give it too much headspace. You can´t keep tabs on people and expect a healthy, happy relationship to continue under such scrutiny.

A lot of it´s up to personal judgment and common decency/respect for our partners. It´s not like people embarking on a relationship sit down with a contract of Do´s and Don´ts i.e boundaries!

Why worry about what might or might not happen? Trust someone until they give you reason not to, imo anyway. But communicate along the way. So in the OP´s case for e.g, just speak to the OH and say you don´t feel it´s very respectful and you don´t feel comfortable with it. Totally reasonable.

But as has been stated, if he´s gonna cheat he´s gonna cheat. We can´t worry about the things we can´t control. Just let people know what you´re personally gonna tolerate. As we´ve seen on here, some people would be cool with the watching telly together, lots wouldn´t.

We don´t always know our partner´s boundaries until we come up against them do we? In the case of the OP´s OH, it´s probably all innocent but it didn´t cross his mind that his wife would have a problem with it. Maybe he would be cool with her sitting at home watching telly in the bedroom with a male colleague? Who knows until that particular situation arises??

[BIWI]

Indeed, Helmet - and some sort of belief that no-one is able to take personal responsibility