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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally got the answer about lack of sex and sobbing

185 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/02/2016 21:52

I will first say our sex life isn't normal it mostly bondage and submission.

We have been together 11 years and married 5.

Finally after a lot of text exchange I have my answer. He is no longer into being a dominant.

I can't see how our relationship is going to work as from the start this has been the foundation.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/02/2016 21:56

Packing everything tonight was hard.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2016 22:01

what about your holiday to Florida ? Shock

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/02/2016 22:13

I really don't know AnyFucker.

This has hurt me to the core.

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 04/02/2016 22:14

Oh piper, I'm so sorry. I'm angry on your behalf that it took this long to come out. You poor thing. :(

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2016 22:15

Crikey packing everything as in leaving!

ALaughAMinute · 04/02/2016 22:25

Is this for real?

cakedup · 04/02/2016 22:29

I'm obviously missing something. You no longer want to be with him because he doesn't want to continue the role he has playing during sex?

Bluebird79 · 04/02/2016 22:29

Somethings are more important than sex. Don't just leave!

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/02/2016 22:31

My head is all over the place.

Packed the toys not my things.

OP posts:
Daryan · 04/02/2016 22:31

Is this some sort of amusing based-off-the-telly thread?

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/02/2016 22:32

Sadly no.

OP posts:
TeaT1me · 04/02/2016 22:32

But surely your foundation in a bdsm relationship has been honesty and trust and that can still be there and worked on even if it's a "dry" period serially. It's only Ben a few weeks hasn't it in 11years. Can't you work through it?

Id life in general more stressful for you both? We've a similar set up but we have dips when my husband is overworked or overloaded at home.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 04/02/2016 22:32

So he's changed his mind.... So find another way. Do something else like other people do when things go a bit stale

TeaT1me · 04/02/2016 22:33

Sorry for the typos.

Piratespoo · 04/02/2016 22:34

Wow...is sex so important? Is it the only thing wrong in the relationship? Surely there must be more for you to consider throwing a marriage away because of this?

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2016 22:35

Oh I thought you were leaving!

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 04/02/2016 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginkypig · 04/02/2016 22:37

It's a difficult one as they are very important clearly defined roles in a relationship normally, unless you are a switch?

I think it very much depends on if these roles are strictly for bedroom only.

You need to have a calm discussion with your partner.

I know your hurt at the moment but try not to show that as it will put the whole discussion on the defensive.

Is there the option to have the needs met in other ways?

Also you might get more knowledgeable advice on another forum, specifically the love honey website (sorry if that's not allowed everyone!)

AlwaysHopeful1 · 04/02/2016 22:39

If you are this devastated over a change in your sex life then it doesn't seem you have a good foundation anyway. So what if he decides he wants to change? Your reaction. Seems a tad dramatic.

ALaughAMinute · 04/02/2016 22:40

BDSM isn't much of a foundation for marriage is it?

I think you are doing the right thing in leaving.

I wouldn't be able to get out there fast enough!

WhimsicalWinnifred · 04/02/2016 22:45

You'll find something else you both enjoy. Relationships evolve. I hope it all works out Thanks

Valentine2 · 04/02/2016 22:52

Is there more to it? Does he actively want role reversal? Do you suspect other things you don't like?

notapizzaeater · 04/02/2016 22:57

Can you not sit and talk and find another role,play you both like ?

Towardsthesun · 04/02/2016 23:00

Why is he sobbing?

ssd · 04/02/2016 23:04

jesus wept