Finally got the answer about lack of sex and sobbing

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

I will first say our sex life isn't normal it mostly bondage and submission.

We have been together 11 years and married 5.

Finally after a lot of text exchange I have my answer. He is no longer into being a dominant.

I can't see how our relationship is going to work as from the start this has been the foundation.

What ssd said.

Grim.

Can bondage and submission really be the 'foundation' of a relationship? They might be a shared interest/quirk but surely that is all?

Why are you defined by your sexual proclivities? I'm not sure I understand but it sounds like it's thrown a grenade into your marriage.

"What ssd said.

Grim."

Judgemental much???

So what does he want? Can you reverse roles 50/50 or is it that he's no longer into BDSM at all?

No wonder it's rocked you to the core!! This is going to be a massive change for you guys. Maybe at some point he will be happy to use the toys but without the dom/sub element?

For what it's worth, my dynamic with dh changed when I got pregnant and even more so when I lost the baby. I just can't do it any more

D/s not fundamentally about sex it's about power and control, so yes - that defined dynamic can be a perfect platform for a relationship/marriage, just like more egalitarian relationships can and do work also. It's a way of being, together. Did he say why OP? Must of been one helluva shock!

Judgemental? Why not. OP is so governed by getting her kicks that she's prepared to ditch a decade old relationship. Yep. Grim.

Just a thought- do you use fet, op? You might get some decent advice there

I'm pretty sure the last d/s thread I ended up in a bunfight. Trying not to bite but mutton it's about more than just 'kicks'

This is not my 'thing' at all but can't believe how harsh some people are being.

FFS it doesn't matter if OP and her DP bonded through civil war reenactments, or knitting club, or watching 60 Minute Makeover- we all have a thing with our partner that we'd be gutted if it was ripped away.

Best of luck OP, all I can say is take plenty of time before you act.

I Why doesn't he want to be a Dom anymore..perhaps he was playing along just to suit your Sub needs and can't cope any more? If its that, no wonder he is sobbing, it must have been stressful. Not a criticism of either of you by the way, its a very strong dynamic and I imagine it would be hard to get thru. Its not just sex its about who you are, and your roles in your relationship

Florida?

Sorry, no specific advice to offer because I have no experience of BDSM, but I'd be gutted if my partner no longer wanted to do the things I like in sexual situations. I hope you manage to work things out. I do think it's possible to work things out because people's sexual preferences can change over time and if the trust is there (which, I hear, it usually is for couples who practise BDSM) then you should be able to figure something out, even if it's a painful process.

Expect much pearl clutching OP.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know much about the lifestyle, but i'm sure it's not as simple as "just sex"

You do need to talk to him. Get to the bottom of he whys and wherefores.

I wish you luck x

What is your love based on? Sex? Your sort of sex and now not his? I'm not a pearl clutcher but I don't quite understand.. no need to answer my post OP but I am sorry you're heartbroken

I dont think texting to 'discuss' something so important is much of a foundation for a relationship, but perhaps I'm just old-fashioned?

Piper, is D/s for you two more a whole relationship dynamic or just a sexual one? I think people who are being critical are assuming it's just sex play but I know for some couples it's how the whole relationship works.

Sympathy here. Bit different as DH and I are both switches, but it used to be when we first got together that I was more inclined to be dominant and him submissive, which worked great. 2 kids later and the extra responsibility in everyday life means I'm keener to sub, but so is DH! We make it work, we have found various phrases/actions that are low 'effort' (not quite the right word) for me that still help DH feel sub, and both of us make the effort to dominate sometimes. For us it's just sex, we're both switches, and our particular preferences are easily moved into/out of so we can almost take turns - I appreciate if none of those things are true for you it's harder. Does your DH feel it's a permanent change of preference?

I think this must be incredibly difficult to navigate and I would be feeling the same if I were in your shoes. I would have to conclude as MistressDeeCee suggested that he has been playing a role and can no longer sustain it... and that would be one heck of a mindfuck if true. Obviously you'll only know if you talk to him.

He has a right to change his mind as sad as that may be for you.

I too find it odd that something so central to your lives is 'discussed' via texting, unless I have misunderstood. Have you talked about it face to face at all? And is it you who is sobbing or your DH? I do hope you can talk about it in person to try and reach some agrrement or compromise.

Dom/sub is about more than sex though isn't it? As far as I know it involves every aspect of your life.
Is it something you've suspected for a while it has this come out of the blue for you?
Obviously he's been thinking about it for a while, has he never expressed unhappiness before?
Going to sound patronising but are you absolutely sure that you want to take this final step & end things