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Original poster

Finally got the answer about lack of sex and sobbing

185 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/02/2016 21:52

I will first say our sex life isn't normal it mostly bondage and submission.

We have been together 11 years and married 5.

Finally after a lot of text exchange I have my answer. He is no longer into being a dominant.

I can't see how our relationship is going to work as from the start this has been the foundation.

OP posts:
3WiseWomen · 05/02/2016 15:49

Yep but that's not up to anyone on here to be judge of that. Or at least on on this thread where someone is very clearly lost and in need of some help.

To be able to judge you need to fully understand what BDSM means and I doubt a lot of people who thought they could judge actually do.
Eg most posters thought it was just about sex and it clearly isn't.

If you don't know what it is about, how can you judge?

3WiseWomen · 05/02/2016 15:50

ssd I suspect this is because, as the OP says, it is about more than just sex???

Terribleknitter · 05/02/2016 16:00

Piper what has actually led directly to the split - is it purely because he's no longer happy in his role or is it because he's not been open with you?
Is there anyway you could both have a bit of breathing space and calming down and then getting together to talk it out?

GetThemToTheChopper · 05/02/2016 16:04

I think the guy is getting a hard time here for changing his mind and saying he doesnt want to do something anymore and the op is seeing it as a deal breaker

Well, he's hardly had a terrible time, a lot of people seemed to immediately jump on the OP rather than her DH.

That aside, I'm projecting, but I assume the problem is that for the OP that part of her isn't something she can 'change her mind' about any more than someone can start feeling attraction for women instead of men. To find out that her DH regards this part of their relationship as an optional extra is probably, at least initially, devastating. Not least because you put a lot on the line (emotionally) when you trust someone in a power-exchange based relationship - to find out the person you've trusted never really 'got it' and has now realised that that is not who they are is tough.

I'm not saying it's OP's DH's fault - I think elements of D/S are exciting to many people and because you're happy to indulge someone in their needs you think that's enough, but actually being a person comfortable with the sort of permanent dynamic is very different.

I think there's plenty of kinky people out there who like a bit of excitement generated by ropes and chains and 'naughty' stuff, but it's very different to a D/S relationship.

I suppose I think of 2 categories - people who like bondage/pain/kink as fun pervy things to do and people who need a relationship with a specific power structure different from the norm. I tend to think of BDSM as Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism, which are all things that can be fun in any type of relationship and may well be disposable/variable over time. D/S is Domination and Submission and is often more built into the fabric of a relationship.

GetThemToTheChopper · 05/02/2016 16:07

Sorry SSD - feel like I am picking on you but here:

I don't judge BDSM, in fact I dont even know what it stands for

I think is the crux of it. A lot of people who've posted have been dismissive of the OP because they think she's being precious about 'whips and chains' or a 'game'. It's not like that at all.

flanjabelle · 05/02/2016 16:09

Oh I see, it's perfectly ok to mock and belittle a distressed poster, but it's not ok to tell the bullies doing so to fuck off. Sure...

NickiFury · 05/02/2016 16:12

I'm sorry you're sad OP. I sort of get where you're coming from but can't see how it must spell the end of the relationship for you. I wouldn't dream of minimising your pain though.

I have to be honest though and say the pomposity of some of the responses explaining the facets of BDSM relationships just makes me think that the whole thing must be a huge amount of navel gazing and effort. I would want a break from it too.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 05/02/2016 16:23

kind of sad, the number of people who think that the OP's sexual unhappiness doesn't matter.

ssd · 05/02/2016 16:33

I admit I really don't get it. I don't get the sexuality bit, but more than that I don't get how not getting exactly the way you want things sex wise is a complete deal breaker. Which probably proves how much I dont understand this all.

GetThemToTheChopper · 05/02/2016 16:33

Pretty sure that's directed at me Nicki. Better to be direct I find. Loving the idea that I'm pompous. Thanks.

I was vaguely trying to be helpful. I don't really think about it in my day to day life and hardly ever talk about it. I can see I wrote a lot though. My bad.

NickiFury · 05/02/2016 16:36

Not you specifically. Just a general observation.

SecretWitch · 05/02/2016 16:36

Sorry you are going through this. Sexuality is a very important piece of my relationship. If my dh were to announce he no longer wanted to be sexual with me in the manner we have always gone about , I would be close to devastated. Flowers

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2016 16:38

OP I know this is more than just sex and represents a massive change to the dynamic of your relationship.

In the OP you say 'text exchange', are you able to talk about this together face to face?

I hope you're doing OK.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 05/02/2016 16:50

kind of sad, the number of people who think that the OP's sexual unhappiness doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

The OP DH happiness also matters and he obviously doesn't feel that he can do this anymore

JenEric · 05/02/2016 17:07

First OP my heart breaks for you. I know you must feel shaken to your core right now but you need to find out the cause of the change. This has to be talked about so you can figure out if it is permanent or temporary and if you can find a compromise you are both happy with. I hope you can find your way through and both come out stronger.

For other posters who can't understand:

Firstly If she left out the bdsm and said her DH told her he didn't want sex with her anymore would you all still be picking her apart? Would you all tell her to stay in a sexless marriage? There's more to life than sex? The type of sex is largely irrelevant in terms of just this bit.

Secondly BDSM is far more than sex it affects the entire dynamic of relationships as it is a lifestyle choice.

For those who can't understand think about your relationships. A parent child relationship is different to a husband wife relationship or a brother sister relationship. The dynamics are different. This is the same. A marriage founded on BDSM lifestyle is a different dynamic and this revelation to the op is on a par with your DH saying "I love you like a sister"

Does that help? I know there's more to it all but that's the most simple analogy I can think of to help people relate and respond appropriately.

Shutthatdoor · 05/02/2016 17:10

Would you all tell her to stay in a sexless marriage?

People do stay in sex less marriages. It is up to those involved to decide whether they can live with it or not.

There's more to life than sex?

Well of course there is. Quite extreme to say otherwise.

Shutthatdoor · 05/02/2016 17:12

Pressed too soon.

It may be a very important part for people but it isn't all that life is about.

Pipistrella · 05/02/2016 17:16

I'm not sure how 'not wanting to do this any more' equals having faked it all along?

Plenty of couples find they don't feel like sex after so many years, or one person feels like that - and they don't necessarily decide it's all been an act the whole time.

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 05/02/2016 18:42

Dh was the one to introduce it to me, I was a virgin when I met him.

I know for a fact that he wasn't faking it.

ATM I don't know how to be around Dh. I don't think it will lead to us splitting up

He is a fantastic husband and great father to our 2 children.

I know I will miss the kink, but not as much as I would miss Dh.

I know our relationship isn't to society norm but it used to work for us.

Thank you for every one replies, I think it has put a little perspection on it all.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/02/2016 18:48

You do need to talk and not assume it's the end.
One of those cases where counselling may actually work, if it gets you talking to each other.

Maybe you can find a different way of relating, that could be even better than before. Who knows?

Unless he actually means something different.

LadyLuck81 · 05/02/2016 19:04

If you want to stay and he's a good partner otherwise I'm sure you'll find your way. I'm not into the BDSM lifestyle but a close family member is. And yes I'm open enough to talk to him about it.

I know this will change things. But, once this initial shock subsides and you can talk perhaps you'll find something that, while not the same, would work.

Would it be worth seeing a therapist with experience in sex therapy to talk through the changes and how your relationship might need adjusting?

Postchildrenpregranny · 05/02/2016 19:17

Apologies for my previous comment OP I didn't know you'd tried to talk about it face to face either.

StiickEmUp · 05/02/2016 19:31

If you were 'born' into this way of life being upset is understandable.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/02/2016 19:45

I'm so sorry, Piper. It must be utterly miserable. I think he does owe you a proper explanation of why things have changed for him - there are a number of possible reasons. One of which could be that he's met someone as ignorant and judgemental as some of the posters on this thread, who has convinced him that the dynamic you shared is 'wrong'.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2016 20:10

I agree with Solid to the extent that he does owe you some type of explanation. If my DH had suddenly decided that something that was a major part of our sex life was all of a sudden distasteful or that he wasn't into it anymore I'd certainly want to know why. It could be as simple as 'it's boring now' to an affair to some sort of religious epiphany that it was a 'sin' or something. At any rate just saying "I don't want to do that anymore" isn't acceptable. Even if the 'real' reason might be painful or embarrassing for you to hear.

If I'm correct in that your 'roles' apparently carry over into your everyday life, this is much more than just 'I don't want to do oral sex anymore'. It would change the whole dynamic of your marriage, no? And if this is so, don't let your submissive role stop you from demanding an explanation. He's the one that broke whatever 'contract' you have, and therefore you are released from whatever role you've played.