Finally got the answer about lack of sex and sobbing

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

I will first say our sex life isn't normal it mostly bondage and submission.

We have been together 11 years and married 5.

Finally after a lot of text exchange I have my answer. He is no longer into being a dominant.

I can't see how our relationship is going to work as from the start this has been the foundation.

To all those that have been harsh and minimising this - if you don't know what you are talking about and have no experience of BDSM then your advice is useless and you'd be better keeping quiet.

Op, this is bound (no pun intended) to be a difficult time but after 11 years you owe it to each other to spend some serious time talking things through to see if there is any way forwards.

Maybe the trip to Florida is ideal as it tasks you both out of your usual environments with whatever pressures that they bring?

In any case, best of luck. X

The op tried and tried to talk to him face to face! He wouldn't talk to her.

The judgy arseholes on this thread should just do one. This is a poster who has been trying to work out why her sex life had disappeared. She now has the answer and has found out that the dynamic of her relationship is completely changing. I am not into bdsm, but can clearly see why that would be upsetting!

All of us want to be sexuallly satisfied, and feel safe in a relationship. For some people, a Dom/sub role enables both those things. For some people a relationship without that dynamic is really not possible. its about so much more than 'kinks'.

If you have nothing to say that is supportive, just move to another thread. This isn't aibu.

I didn't realise that the OP has tried to talk to him, I take it she's had a previous thread on this.
He seems to have taken the cowards way out if he's told you this by text, that's really unkind.
for you, hope you have some good friends and family to lean on.

Oh I also didn't realise there had been a previous thread. I took this to be the first steps in opening up on his feelings. If he won't communicate after many efforts to open the discussion about how to move forward then what he has expressed about not identifying as dom I would see as a secondary issue to where has the trust and communication gone?

So in 11 years, you've never had sex without the cafuffle of role playing and toys?

I'd be well hacked off with that. What a bloody effort.

I would find it very off putting if there was no "normal" sex. I realise "normal" is a weird word in this context, but you know what I mean.

I'd be a bit miffed if DH could only perform if we used toys, role play and outfits. I'd be a bit insulted as well.

Ah. I didn't realise there had been a previous thread either. How do people realise this? Great memories?

You know it has to be consensual

Be happy he had the courage to tell you !

The op was always going to get a lot of unhelpful (to her) posts because only a fairly small number of people on here are going to understand the dynamics of something like this. I don't understand it myself, so won't give advice.

Would the sex forum be a better place for this or is that unhelpful too?

I also think it's good that he has told you op. No one should be doing things in a relationship that makes them deeply unhappy, be that sex or the day to day expression of that relationship.

Honestly op, go to fet. Too many people here have no idea.

Poor sod has probably been humouring you for ages; resignedly swishing his whip about and telling you off, while inwardly sighing and fantasising about a nice, straightforward, hardware-free shag.

thatsnotmyrabbit

Surely he must have been into this in the beginning? 11 years is a long time to keep up a pretence. I think he's maybe just mellowed and wants to calm stuff down a bit. It shouldn't be a reason to leave him (surely??)

I feel like we are missing a big piece of the jigsaw here. There's more to this.

This reminds me of the threads where the OP complains that sex is a chore and has to involve complex preparation, dressing up and so on.

It may well not be the case, but why didn't he feel comfortable sharing with you face to face that he doesn't want this role anymore? Could it be that he didn't want to see your sad and disappointed reaction, and pressure to continue as it was?

OTOH, there may be other revelations to follow, OP. I'd prepare myself to that.

It's like a sketch, isn't it?

"Darling I've been thinking....just a thought....I wondered if we might do something a little different in bed tonight. Now feel free to say no, but please hear me out...its just that, you know, I thought we might try having sex without the ball gag and chains, just for once...oh no darling pleeeease don't look like that!!"

Surely in order to be able to have this kind of relationship you have to be able to talk frankly about sex? Or at least presumably you could at one point. You definitely need to get him to talk somehow, it's important that you listen without making him defensive at the moment. What does he want from your relationship now, if anything? It is possible for a relationship to survive a big change of dynamic.

I won't pretend to have any experience of BDSM but if this is a whole relationship thing rather than just a bedroom thing then I imagine you're feeling a bit lost and insecure if he's no longer taking charge. Try to stay as calm as you can and don't make any impulsive decisions. After 11 good years together it's worth trying to work something out. Big hugs.

I'm still trying to work out the sobbing in the title, is it a new fangled way of saying something else these days or is the guy actually crying about it all

I think the OP was sobbing.

oh right

still none the wiser

I think there was a thread a while back where the DH was sobbing with no explanation; and the wife feared an affair.

OP, honestly, I can't speak for your experience, but my inclination is to be glad that you are not the one changing your mind about subbing and trying to get someone who is 'naturally' a Dom to understand this. The posters who write that this is about power and control are right; but your husband is the one seeking to relinquish power/control and look for a more equal relationship, whatever that looks like in your household. That is surely an easier path to tread than the other way around.

My advice would be kindness above all, no matter what the outcome, on both sides here, and communication about what this means.

The little I know about dominance and submission is clear about the submissive actually being in control.
Unless you have been doing it wrong. 50 shades

So you don't love him, just the 'games'?

Bloody hell, for better or worse eh. In sickness and in health. But if our little game has to change, well that's it, toss it all out the window.

No, I don't understand 'the dynamic'. It sounds cruel and unforgiving and far removed from actually loving a person.

am beginning to pity this poor guy, so he's went along with something all this time that he didn't enjoy and now he's said enoughs enough his wife is on here saying the relationship is over then?

I'd be advising him to run like hell.

Oh no, I am no expert! And haven't read 50 shades either ... Clearly ill-informed!

you're protesting a bit too much there Romii