Finally got the answer about lack of sex and sobbing

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

I will first say our sex life isn't normal it mostly bondage and submission.

We have been together 11 years and married 5.

Finally after a lot of text exchange I have my answer. He is no longer into being a dominant.

I can't see how our relationship is going to work as from the start this has been the foundation.

Firstly, I apologise Piper for engaging in the 50 shades banter, when that was clearly inappropriate. Your distress is palpable, and after reading some of the additional, and more informed, comments, I am more understanding of why.

Nonetheless, and I apologise again if this is out of place, to me there is something which makes me uneasy about a dynamic where a man (who has power in society) introduces a woman (who is socially in a position of inequality) into a relationship which relies on her submission (or brings it out in her, if you want to give this a consensual nature); and then withdraws that with no discussion. And yet, still wishes to exert/experience control in the non-sex side of life. That is like having your cake and eating it too.

I think you are right to stand by your instincts that this has undermined your trust and your belief in the relationship; because someone who had your best interests at heart, would sit down and discuss this and treat you as an equal partner who was in a changing situation. He is no longer writing the rules, and he does not seem to be either understanding that, or facing up to it.

You cannot kneel in front of someone who has disregarded your feelings and well-being to this extent, who has only told you this by text, and call them 'sir'; that would be utterly humiliating (I think). He broke the dynamic already, for reasons you are not at all clear on (and it would be wrong to speculate); and if he was happy for you to do this, then to me, that would take a formerly consensual dynamic into the territory of abuse (though I would be tempted to try it and see how he reacted, just to see if he was prepared to see you accept this position, which would not be an act of care on his part, but one of control).

If I should keep out of this, then I will do so - and apologise again.

and if he was happy for you to do this

by this, I mean kneel down in front of him; and adopt a position of inequality, when he has withdrawn a fundamental pillar of what you understood your relationship to be.

If you did this, and he accepted you doing it, then he becomes just another controlling husband, who lays down the terms of your marriage.

Is it possible you can assign an evening where you both step outside of your prescribed roles in order to discuss this rationally? I don't know enough about these things to know if this is possible, but if your relationship dynamic is changing it doesn't seem like a good idea to be sub/dom while agreeing on those changes, you have to both be able to say what you want.

The only other thing I can think to suggest is that you go back to bed with him and see what happens. Maybe if you have sex without the sub/dom element it might trigger him to be able to talk about it?

I have no idea if either of those ideas are helpful, but you need to get him to talk somehow.

Let me get that right.
He is still a Dom, he hates you acting as if you weren't a (his) sub. ie he wants things to stay the same on the relationshop.

BUT he has withhold sex for months
He is telling via text of sometyhing that is MAJOR change in your relationship.
And is refusing to discuss the ins and outs with you.

I agree with a PP. I think he is trying to get out of the relationship but is struggling like hell with the 'I'm suppposed to look after you' but of his role as a Dom.
Unless he has another reason for that but really he needs to spill it out now.

I aslo agree with your attitude. He said he doesn't want to be a Dom. Fine. But he can't ask you to carry on being a sub.
Have you managed some sleep?

he becomes just another controlling husband, who lays down the terms of your marriage.
Considering your recent updates, I agree.

Btw: I think I first mentioned 50 shades, but it was not in banter. Rather to explain that the dynamic was different and mentioned it was not like 50 shades.

Ok, re-reading what I wrote, I must clarify it was not directed at you, Piper. Rather, at any person who has assumed it was like 50 shades.
Apologies for not being clear in what I wrote.

This whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. My sub really really wants to be entirely dominated like this and to give his whole life over to my control. I am not happy to do this to the extent that it would make us unequal partners, though he would love it, I would feel that was too much responsibility and also entering into abuse territory. His ultimate fantasy is to have no control over anything he does but for me it is absolutely essential that we have times where the dynamic is 'normal' which help me gauge how far I should go.

IMO this is the major problem I have with the 'scene' stuff, once people stop thinking about consent and equality being at the heart of sex it strays into abuse territory. Periods of 'normality' outside of any BDSM play/lifestyle I think are important for proper perspective.

I appreciate for many that would reduce their potential enjoyment as a true sub but I think it is an important sacrifice for important reasons.

I don't like at all the thought that you were a virgin when he met you and he introduced you to BDSM and is now withdrawing sex/communicating by text...

I'm keenly aware that enjoying some really sadistic behaviour makes me a risk to him and a risk to myself.

I posted freaking out about it once and got the BDSM judgy pants stuff but I feel I've found a balance that protects me and him now.

Firstly, I know nothing about your lifestyle, but if the BDSM was left out of the op, and that you had just said DH hasn't wanted sex for a while and is refusing to talk about it, my response would've been that he is possibly having an affair.

I also find it quite uncomfortable that you don't seem to have known anything else. Almost sounds like he groomed you in a way and you don't know how to be any other way. I would have thought most people who like a bit of kink have found their preferences by experimentation.

My other thought was that maybe having children has changed things on a deeper level? How do you behave with each other when you are with your kids? Are you still sub then?assuming you are not calling him sir/master around them

Whatever is going on, he is being a complete gobshite by not even having a conversation with you about what HIS problem is. That would take away the trust that is vital to any relationship, whatever the dynamic.

I think it's easy to go too far. Being groomed might be very exciting for a true sub. Being abusive might also be exciting for a Dom...

I think this all sounds like it has entered that 'too far' territory, for me anyway.

I feel so sad for you op. You must feel so vulnerable right now. I hope you can talk things through with dh. How are you getting on today?

Lweji, I got that, the banter was anothwe poster saying I was protesting too much. I get there was a more serious point underneath; and to be honest, fifty shades aside, I did delete my own experience from a reply earlier in this thread.

OP, I hope you find a way through which works for you

Building from what Offred said, is it possible that your DH realised it has gone too far and to 'protect you' and knowing 'what you need rather than what you want' is trying to give you more space so you can be you too??

I have to say reading Offred it makes me think that BDSM should be reserved for people who have their two feet squarely put on the ground. So much possibilities for things to go wrong, when it is already so easy in a non BDSM one....

Are your roles reversing subtlety? You opening a bottle of wine, not sleeping in the bed, calling for him by his first name rather than sir/master?
Would your dh be willing to continue the role at certain times or circumstances such as only during sex or only during everyday life
Would he try reversing the roles and you become dom for a while? Can you meet each other half way? Can you explore other people types of kink within your marriage?

Can you explore other types of kink? ( not people )

I just think maybe I'm not explaining this very well but from my own experience I would say a true sub is excited about and feels they really desire to be entirely controlled by their Dom. In reality the sub is still a human being with their own needs and boundaries even though their fantasies may involve all those boundaries being smashed through the reality is, if that is allowed,at some point the sub WILL be really hurt and the sub's fantasies/son's control need to be really thought about by the Dom and talked about with the sub in a 'safe space' sometimes away from 'play' IMO and the sub needs to be entering it with some experience IMO and the Dom needs to really really know and understand the sub to avoid crossing into hurt/abuse (of both ppl) territory and still then there is a risk.

It's a hugely complicated emotional relationship for me with lots of benefits but potentially some really serious consequences. Some boundary breaking may turn out to be extremely enjoyable and other boundary breaking could be really harmful and it's all so personal to the individuals. Some things even though enjoyable may not be a good idea because they may come from unhealthy places such as low self esteem and past abuse on both sides.

You have to be very careful IMO. Very careful indeed and for me it is partly this which makes it enjoyable.

I don't think this sounds healthy TBH.

Offred, I have found your explanation helpful

I think though Offred that while you are very obviously able to think clearly and rationally about your own situation and can see better than the rest of us the need for a relationship that is not only one thing, the OP's entire life seems based on total submission and is seems unable to switch it on/off. Almost like she doesn't know how to be any other way, hence her current emotional state.
I think the difficulty most of us reading the thread have is just not understanding how anyone can live wholely like this and not just for play. As the thought of basically being someones permanent slave is abhorrent.
The fact that they, or he, can't just talk about whatever the issue is speaks volumes. I assume it isn't the type of engrained behaviour you can just click out of overnight. He is hiding something.

I agree totally.

My feeling on that whole lifestyle approach is that it generally isn't healthy.

I don't feel the 'scene' stuff of doing BDSM with virtual strangers is healthy either.

Just my perspective on what I would/wouldn't do and what I believe about the dynamics.

Agree about him hiding something but if it's a lifestyle approach of complete domination/submission then he can hide things, she doesn't get explanations, he's in control etc in theory - dangerous.

I just can't see how you can tackle this at all if he has hurt you op (really hurt you not fun hurt you) and you are still in the d/s dynamic...

Agree with a previous poster that you need to break that dynamic to have a proper discussion which seems to be part of what is hurting you.

It's a bit rock and hard place really...

Could it be just that he is fatigued with the whole lifestyle thing?

How would you feel about periods of 'normal'?

I get what you are saying about the fact that being the dom means he can hide things, but this is different in that he just stopped sex altogether.
It's also why I asked about the kids. I wondered if perhaps as they are growing up and even more so if daughters, that this may cause him to question his own behaviour to his wife. If she is permanently sub, the kids will be exposed to it. It was something else that made me uncomfortable about her not seeming able to switch it off.