Finally got the answer about lack of sex and sobbing

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

I will first say our sex life isn't normal it mostly bondage and submission.

We have been together 11 years and married 5.

Finally after a lot of text exchange I have my answer. He is no longer into being a dominant.

I can't see how our relationship is going to work as from the start this has been the foundation.

While I haven't been in a D/s relationship, I am good friends with a couple who are, and it very much flows into their everyday life and even our friendship, even I find myself being sub around them because his protection of her well-being extends to keeping her friends and support network happy and healthy.. I can ask anything of him if i need help.

It's more than just sex, its about how they live their lives, and very often the emotional well being of the sub is the focus, they usually hold the power position for all they are submissive.

When pipers dh says he doesn't want that role of dominance, he is changing the whole dynamic without discussion, he is withdrawing that unquestioning protection, he is giving piper an autonomy she has never had.. It's like whipping a safety net out from under her and expecting her to walk the tightropes without it. It's scary.

A D/s dynamic has to be stopped by mutual consent, her DH has been very unfair withbhowvhe has gone about this.

A D/s dynamic has to be stopped by mutual consent

I don't agree. It needs mutual consent to start a dynamic, but any partner should be able to withdraw from it when they don't feel comfortable with it for whatever reason. Be it at a sexual level or day to day life.
The problem, of course, is that it will change the relationship and it could stop the partnership.
Having said that, I do think that unless he wants to leave, he should engage with you, Piper, but in a safe and non-demanding environment.

A very good point about not letting your position as a submissive being in the way of demanding why things have changed.
It is essential for you to be able to understand, esp if he brought you into it and you have known any other way 'to be' in a relationship.

I woul ask him to remember he can't just 'stop' and leaving you to it but that a gentle shift might be better. Would he feel ready to support you (as in guiding you not as a dominant) to get into a new way of being?

What Lwegi said. If it were a woman we'd be more likely to be defending her right to stop doing something she wasn't comfortable doing any more, whatever the reason.

Of course he has the right not to want to do it any more. But it is unfair, unethical and unkind for him just to drop this on her and simply expect her to accept it and stay in the marriage. Just as, if one partner decides that s/he no longer wants to have sex at all - or wants to pack in his/her job to become a busker, or gets religion of some sort and wants all the dietary habits of the whole household to change, or accepts a job on the other side of the world it has to be discussed and the other partner has the right to say, this is NOT what I signed up for, the relationship is no longer sustainable.

I don't want it to stop.

I love the fact that Dh is so in tune with what I need, not what I want.

In return I gave him what he needed.

It's hard to explain.

It does come into force in every day life.

I can't believe people here bought up 50 shades of grey. That is not what D/s is.

It's like tonight I have opened a bottle of wine. Normally it something I wouldn't do as it would mean a play night.

I don't know what to do or how to act. My head hurts from thinking.

All I need is to get out of my head, Dh knows how to.

My mind is in overdrive is he teaching me to live without him and if so why.

At the very least, the partner who is initiating the change should do their utmost to make the shift as easy as possible, starting ny nor dropping a bombshell and expecting her to get on with it.

What I am unconfortable is that her DH stopped having sex with her (therefore deciding to stop but wo even telling her about it) and seems to now expect her to just switch her whole lifestyle. He had plenty of time to think about it etc. She hasn't. So surely the least a caring partner can do is to support her?

Piper do you know what is at the origin of the change, esp if he was the one who brought you into it?
I would have thought that being a Dominant was something that was part of you if that makes sense.

xpost.

So he hasn't explained why he changed his mind?

No I plan to do that tonight.

I probably sleep on the sofa again tonight.

As harsh as it sounds I don't want him to touch me.

have you had sex with him since?

I'm quite 'ordinary' myself, but I can see why you are flummoxed.

It must seem like you have been asked to adopt a completely different relationship.

Sorry cross post, yes you need to talk.

Not had sex with Dh for a long time.

This wasn't the man I feel in love with when I said we been together for 11 years that's in a relationship.

Before then we was friends with benefits.

Piper I'm sorry you are in such turmoil.
It is obvious that you have had other threads about your DH and this has caused some confusion on here. I don't know much anything about d/s but I thought the whole point was about being able to trust one another completely and communication between the couple?
This does't seem to have been the case in your relationship if DH stopped having sex with you and could only tell you why through a series of text messages.
I hope you manage to work something out between you

I hope so to.

I would rather a whip ( which to me is a hard limit) than this.

In reality even though I am going to miss the kink, what has hurt the most is the trust.

We have in the past made changes, it's understandable that limits change. When I was breastfeeding and recovering from giving birth dynamic changed. Dh understood this and gave me time. Or when I have been unwell.

It's the sudden stop to it without discussing it.

And that last sentence is the thing. If you spoke to him and explained that. That you want to find a way to accept him and the relationship but to work it out you have to understand his thinking. Could he do that for you and open up?

Could he write to you if he can't verbally get it out?

Dh is not liking me tonight, I have broken every rule and he has no control.

He is very stressed and I'm giving him no indication on how to fix it.

He is a Dom I can see it.

Perhaps this is a new chapter in our lives.

Can you sit/kneel)/whatever and ask him what he wants and where he sees you guys going and what's happened?! I've not read other threads but I can't imagine why a Dom would spring something like that out of the blue. You may be a sub but you still have the right to know.whats going on.

The sub has the control ( we'll sort of). He has now has no right I can't trust him.

It will be a very very long time before I trust him enough to get me to a place where I can't think, can't move and put in the kind of trust that when I am in a sub space ( yes it happens) because I wouldn't feel safe.

I can't kneel in front of him that would be false.

Tonight even though it has hurt, I have called him Jim (not real name) normally it would be sir or master.

He is hating this but the limits don't come into it.

I will say this would normally lead to an interesting night but tonight I will be on the sofa.

I know Jim will not like this. But I don't care.

He will need to talk to me before I return to our bed.

Piper, he is the one who has withdrawn the dynamic, not you.

If you feel this is some kind of crisis, then you have to be out of scene and let him come back to a place you are both comfortable with.

I know its difficult because its new territory, but you need to have a conversation about resetting the relationship boundaries within what works for you both while this works itself through.

Of course he's massively broken your trust, and it will be a long time before you can hand that back to him.. but what is going on now can't carry on, you both have to step out of scene and talk as equals and adults.

Well, he can't have his cake and eat it too. He can't demand that you act the submissive in your non-sexual life and at the same time refuse to give you the sexual satisfaction that is your right in any relationship.

Now, this may be stupid, but could this all be some kind of dominant 'play' to exert control over you by denial? To make you even more submissive? Does that even make sense to you? Or contrariwise, could he be trying to reverse your roles by forcing you to act more dominant (i.e. demanding explanations)?

Or could he possibly have become a submissive in another relationship and he isn't allowed to tell you?

Oh this sounds hard. Harsh question but could you sub for someone else? That would be pure roles, no relationship. Alternatively, if he hates his role but likes the intensity, my friend (honest) got into the scene as a sub, loved it, but then found that most of her demographic wanted her as a Dom. She expressed frustration to me but after a few months she's had some astonishing times as a 'silent' Dom (I don't know the lingo, she doesn't hit people but I guess she's a bit withholding and exacting)

If you love each other I hope you can find a new way through. Love is amazing, and sex is great, and the second should be fixable if the first is there. Take care have a good theatrical wank

I am in a sub/dom relationship with my partner. He has npd tendencies and at the risk of sounding contradictory, loves me as much as he is capable of doing, although there is always an element (from my end) of not feeling truly loved, but he takes care of me like no'one ever has before.

He uses and abuses me (always consensual) and occasionally we do role reversal and I 'don' the strap-on! We have developed our relationship together although we'd both previously 'dabbled' with kink before we met.

OP, I'm concerned that your dom may have his eye on another potential sub. Just a hunch. I hope I'm wrong. I truly understand how detached you must feel at the moment. The kind of relationship you have experienced doesn't get any better when it's good. Losing that connection must be devastating.

Hugs.xx