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Original poster

is my husband being unreasonable?

236 replies

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:28

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AlwaysHopeful1 · 29/01/2016 09:35

Hi op, are you working as well? It depends on your financial situation as well. You want to be closer to your family for support but are you sure you will get that ?

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 09:41

Is this something you discussed and he agreed in a non-committed way because it was abstract at the time? I think you need a fresh conversation without 'you promised' being thrown about

Do you have want to move back to where you grew up? Did he grow up there?

Is there a compromise location that would enable him to commute into London and you to be closer to family?

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:41

hi thank for your response. basically we can swap the property in london for one in the south and be almost mortgage free - thats my dream. so we wouldn't need big jobs. no, i wouldn't work at first with the baby, although i can freelance a little and would maybe get something part time in a year or two. i just want to live quietly and cheaply as a family but he wants to chase more money in london and live a bit more of an active life if you know what i mean?
yes, i will definitely get the support i need from my family! but i wanted us all together... i feel like he is pulling away from me...

OP posts:
Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:43

he also keeps saying we 'want different things'.. what does that mean?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:44

yes i grew up there and no he didnt. he's from london. no, there isn't really a compromise on my behalf. i have always wanted to move back there. yes, you're right it was abstract but is now very real!
we have had a fresh conversation and the outcome is 'lets see what happens and we'll make it work'. am i wrong to thing thats not enough?

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 09:45

I think there are two different things here

Having a baby is a massive change, as is moving to a new area and getting a new job. That's quite a big ask of him if it is your dream but not his.

How far along are you?

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:48

4 months....
yeah i know it's a big ask but i worry i will be really unhappy without my family. i thought it was his dream, too, but turns out it might not be. am i right to feel disappointed? i thought once we had a baby i would get the life i craved and thought most men made that happen.....

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 09:55

It's quite early days then! I think the job change is the one that is hardest tbh

I'm seeing it from the other side. Dh wanted us to move out of London when we had kids - I agreed thinking it would be better for them etc. When it actually came to it I couldn't do it - I've always lived in big cities and the thought of moving out filled me with horror!

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:57

ah, yes, same for him. did you stay together? yes its early but i feel so vulnerable.. the idea of being alone already makes me think where the hell are we going to end up in 30 years?! he pinballs between saying he wants to keep options open and then change career and then property develop. i just want to retire to the south!

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 10:01

Yes - and it's all fine!

I think you need to let him get his head around it. An ultimatum is never a good position to be in to make a decision

EcclefechanTart · 29/01/2016 10:01

What do you mean you "thought most men made that happen"?

Could he perhaps commute to London if you all moved together?

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 10:03

How old are you? It seems a bit early to talk about moving to the place you want to spend your retirement in!

Would you consider waiting until your child is a bit older - so maybe the move happens before school rather than ASAP. Once he has experienced family life you may find he isn't so afraid of the change

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:03

i thought most husbands went with what their wives wanted at the end of the day? naive perhaps...
no he couldn't commute daily, perhaps weekly. hence the 4 nights away situation.
yes i am waiting for him to get his head around it. yeah i don't want to give him an ultimatum.
i think i get the feeling that i am being unreasonable :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:04

yeah you're right. I'm late thirties.
i just want to move now. i don't want to miss out on my parents any more - I've been away for 20 years.

OP posts:
AlwaysHopeful1 · 29/01/2016 10:05

You want an easy and cheap life. You do realize people aspire to a lot more than that. I don't think he is being unreasonable at all. It sounds like it's all about you want. You just want to retire and amble on, and you want him to provide for you to do that. I think it's unfair. A lot of people manage fine without living right at their families doorstep. Could you find somewhere in the middle that suits you both.

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 10:06

Tbh, I only know two couples where the man did as his wife wanted unquestioningly and it didn't end well in either case. Marriage is about compromise - not one party making the big decisions and the other having to follow along!

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:08

ok thanks both for your comments.

OP posts:
Prayingforsnow · 29/01/2016 10:08

It does sound like you want different things. I was surprised at the retirement comment too.

You might have to compromise for a while for you both to be happy ie move so you are nearer your family and he works away. Not ideal I know but you have support and he has his work.

venusandmars · 29/01/2016 10:12

You are not unreasonable to dream of living close to your family. You are not unreasonable to feel very disappointed. However you can't automatically expect him to do what you want, nor can he expect you to automatically do what he wants.

Marriage (or any relationship) is about listening to each other and understanding, and trying to work out the best kind of compromises. That might be on location (somewhere closer to your family but commutable to London), it might be on timing (staying in London for another 3 or 4 years), it might be on time together (you live near your family, he is away 4 nights a week).....

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:13

the retirement comment was tongue in cheek - more about getting out of the rat race in london (have been in it for 20 years). yes, you're right maybe we just have him work away and see what happens....
doesn't feel like a great place to start though.
loads of my friends' husbands do what their wives want!
also, i have lived in london - where he is from and we both worked - for 20 years! so i have compromised already.

OP posts:
Trills · 29/01/2016 10:13

i thought most husbands went with what their wives wanted at the end of the day

No, most couple compromise.

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:14

thanks venusandmars thats really helpful.

OP posts:
heavens2betsy · 29/01/2016 10:15

i thought most husbands went with what their wives wanted at the end of the day
Whatever gave you that idea. Its a partnership and there has to be compromise. It's not all about what YOU want.

What's the rush? Why not wait until the baby is born and see if your DH changes his outlook. If not and it's a deal breaker then maybe you will have to compromise and move nearer the south coast so he can still commute and you are a bit closer to your family!

ImperialBlether · 29/01/2016 10:15

How on earth did you get to your late 30s thinking that men want what their wives want? Have you not heard of divorce?

EcclefechanTart · 29/01/2016 10:16

I don't think there is any reason why husbands should simply do what their wives want!

I wouldn't want to be on my own for 4 nights a week with a small baby, though. Are you sure he couldn't commute daily? How long would it take him from the south coast to London? I know people who do it from Brighton, for example.