is my husband being unreasonable?

[LIVINGTHEDREAM1]

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

It must be wonderful to be perfect

Bingo.

Well I can understand that but I don't think you are unreasonable to ask him to include a move in his career options.

It sounds like you need to discuss your relationship on a more fundamental level and take the move out of the equation. Once you know where you stand then you can discuss options.

stripyhoglets you are right. i always said i'd leave london this year so i will.
i only ever wanted a little family by the sea. since i was a little girl.

"he's got cold feet about parenthood and moving."

He's got cold feet about the whole relationship, IMO. Hence the cold feet about everything else.

Crazy to get pregnant when things are so rocky, but these things happen. You have to make the best of it now. Whatever happens with the relationship, at least you can have the life you want near your family.

I get to know quite a few couples who have moved out of London for a quieter life in our more rural area. Often they find the it a hard transition for many many reasons, including having to make a whole new group of friends so you have some kind of social network to socialise with, get ask advice from and get recommendations of things to do or who is a trustworthy plumber etc.

Doing that concurrently with the most intense lifestyle change you will ever experience, i.e. having a baby, seems absolutely massive. Building in that he should cease his current career and take a less well paid job more locally to where you want to be can only increase the level of change involved, as it seems he has different aspirations as far has career ambitions go.

There is a strong chance that if it goes entirely your way you will be storing up a pile of resentment for the future.

i only ever wanted a little family by the sea. since i was a little girl.

That is your wish. His wishes are just as important and valid as yours.

i always said i'd leave london this year so i will.

Again it is I said not we agreed.

well we both said we'd leave once a family came along. so technically we both agreed. i don't know if i am alone here but do I presume other people put all their hopes, dreams and aspirations down on paper so to avoid any confusion in the future?!

I don't think YABU. You've been led to believe he wanted the same thing you wanted for a long time and now he's come out with 'we want different things'. Of course you're going to be disappointed.

I totally get why you would want to live in a slower life in a quieter place, living almost mortgage free, with your family around you as opposed to with someone who's made it quite clear he wants different things from you. It sounds like your values don't really match at the moment - that may change or it may not. I think I'd be looking to move anyway, and tell him he can join you if he wants. You've lived a life you didn't want for 20 years - don't let another 20 years go by (and believe me, they slip by all too quickly when you have kids) while you feel resentful of what you could have had.

thank you very much SirChenjin

i only ever wanted a little family by the sea. since i was a little girl.

Tip for anyone else who wants this: don't move to a large city, stay there 20 years, get together with and get pregnant by someone who has only ever lived in cities.

Wanting to live in a small town by the sea is NOT everyone's ideal.

Even if people say "that sounds nice", they don't necessarily want everything that goes along with it.

I would say that it isn't looking great for your marriage, but I don't know what the problems are, so may be wrong.

You have a rocky relationship and if your husband really thought that a move out of London would solve everything, then he may consider it. If he doesn't think your relationship can be saved then I understand why he doesn't want to move and change jobs too.

You both need to sit down and have an in depth talk about your relationship and how you honestly see things panning out. There is no point in dreaming about a perfect life together on the coast if his heart isn't in it.

Whereabouts in the south west do you want to go by the way? Some parts would be better than others from a career point of view. (may be irrelevant now)

Next Exeter.

Sorry, between Exeter and Plymouth.

1. Jobs aren't always easy to come by in small towns, so in our early 20s we have to go where the work is. That doesn't mean you have to give up your dreams of living where you dream of someday.

1. He didn't say "that sounds nice". He agreed to it - it was the plan. I would turn that on its head and say "don't let your partner labour under a misapprehension for 10 years believing that you're totally on board with something that's very important to them, because that's a pretty shitty thing to do".

Tip for anyone else who wants this: don't move to a large city, stay there 20 years, get together with and get pregnant by someone who has only ever lived in cities.

ha. harsh but very fair.

People are allowed to change their minds too, although it helps to talk about it when that happens.

When did you last talk about this until now? Did you keep each other updated on your plans for the future?

Crap grammar in 1. there - you know what I mean!

yes we talked about it a lot but he got so frustrated with me talking about it so i adopted a new approach, relaxed and went with the flow. and now look.

Oh hang on - does that mean you've had an inkling that he wasnt on board during the last 10 years??

We live in the south west and DP works in London 4 days a week. It works out fine. Not for everyone I guess, but I wouldn't necessarily dismiss it out of hand. Although it sounds like there is more going on in the relationship than just where to live.

London is a fabulous place to raise children, the schools are great, parks wherever you go, lots of stuff to do, no headache about a queen bee at the only baby group in town and however unusual you are, there are loads of people just like you and also loads of people who are very different to learn from.

But all of that is neither here nor there since you say i always said i'd leave london this year so i will. Will it still be a comfortable lifestyle once you sold you house and split the money in half for him to buy in London and you by the sea? That is what might ultimately happen and you'll get 15% of his income as child maintenance. Get the calculator out and see how all three of you can manage.

Sorry, I mean he's away for 4 days, not that he commutes daily.

SirChenjin, point 2. is exactly how i feel.
i know money and jobs are obviously really important but i thought we could get by frugally with, well, happiness and faith and just getting back on track, really.
yes i know i was hopelessly naive.

I agree the wanting to spend 4 nights a week apart bit is rather worrying.

But could it be something as simple as "baby on the way = need to maintain/improve earning power" in his mind, in order to provide financial security for you and the baby? And he thinks his best chances of that are in London?

A lot of men get like that with a baby on the way "must provide" kind of thing.

If you want a good quality of family life in a quieter location close to relatives that is reasonable, if he wants to provide financial security for his family, that's also reasonable. And they aren't the same thing, but they are not really totally incompatible as life goals.

If you don't mind, could I suggest first working out whether this is about something deeper, and if it's not, you just get your heads together and work out how to align your goals? Instead of treating it as a zero sum game where one "wins", why not try to see how you are ultimately aiming for the same things. e.g.

1. A wish to be close to grandparents can be about wanting to give your child a good start in life (grandparent's affection, love and moral support, the security that comes from having an extended family around when growing up, grandparents handing on wisdom, practical help with child rearing)
2. A wish to build a solid and lucrative career can be about wanting to give your child a good start in life (stable home, good role model, sufficient money, access to skills and connections)

You might also want to look at any underlying fears that are driving you both (e.g. losing out on time with your parents, loss of status/earning power/ability to provide for family- maybe sparked by external considerations like changes in health and pension provision, loss of social circle/social support system)

So maybe you want the same thing ultimately but just see different routes to it? Maybe also you need to address one another's fears?