is my husband being unreasonable?

[LIVINGTHEDREAM1]

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

I am from Devon and moved to London. I lived there for nearly 20 years, moved out a couple of years ago and have a toddler now. In Devon the job market is not the same as London (one of the reasons I moved) and just because your DH can do his job out of London doesn't mean he will have the opportunity. The lifestyle is very different and will take some adjusting to. I have found it hard enough and I only live in Surrey. It is much more of an adjustment than moving to a city I think.

One question I have is whether the best mate your DH would stay with is single or in a relationship?

the best mate is married. he has a spare room.
yes i know the lifestyle is different which is the appeal - for me, but maybe not him. though he is very outdoorsy. the job market is a problem, yes, but navigatable i think. i see admin jobs for 18K i could do. yes i earn 40 in london but mortgage and travel is significantly more than it would be with a lower mortgage out of the city.

Living... Please make sure you read the not so hidden message.

You will have to compromise. Not just him. Be it half way in the direction you want to live. You can't expect your dream to be his. You're incredibly naive in all your posts about men doing what women want and friends lives being such a way.

Btw. I worked with someone who commuted from Bath. Daily. His commute was much further than yours would be. I at the time commuted from Kent. His commute time wise was about 30mins less because of the changes I had to make on the tube. Don't write off a commute, but remember it will cost upwards of £5000

Good luck.

thanks wombat. i have certainly learnt today that i am naive. but in some ways i like it that way. better to be that than an old cynic who never goes for their dream (not aimed at anyone here).
good luck to you also.

Find a middle ground on the naive ;)

yeah. that'd be 'reasonable' then.

Someone in my office is commuting from Bristol daily!
They are at a braking point.

And there's not even child involved!

What if his mate changes his mind and he needs to rent?
Where would his budget plan to be then?

Could you learn to live in London? If not, you have your answer.

exactly. if the friend doesn't come good and I'm in plymouth, we're screwed. we could never afford two rentals. which is why i just want to quit the city. sorry, you know the rest. I'm boring myself now....

This is a very difficult situation. My husband and I come from different continents. That didn't bother us when we were younger, but now it's hard. I think it has to be about compromise. That's not always easy to find, but try to avoid accusations and ultimatums. And no, I don't think most men in good, adult relationships do exactly what their wives want...or vice versa. To stay together, you have to talk and find something you can both work with.

yes that's what we are trying to do but as you can see it's proving tricky.
relationships are all about timing and wanting the same thing (if that's not too naive a thing to say). thanks, and good luck with the inter-continent relationship.

"relationships are all about timing and wanting the same thing"

Er, no they're not. They're about communication and compromise. Obviously you have to have broadly similar values and wishes to begin with, but you're going to want different things from time to time.

Apologies to anyone who lives there, but I didn't think Plymouth was all that great. Can't remember when I last went, but I seem to recall it being described as a bit of a dump.

local.mumsnet.com/Talk/local_plymouth/2167916-Whats-Plymouth-like-to-live-in

I think I was thinking about your DH possibly changing once a baby becomes the centre of his world, but only when it's born, whereas you seem to be making that adjustment already. I don't know what your 'gamble' is now though? You are already having a baby, you are already living in London, nothing has changed. I could understand you saying that before deciding to get pregnant but I don't follow what you mean by it being a gamble now.

I wasn't even really thinking about practical decisions relating to having a baby (though they are not unimportant) but just that your own needs and wants are overridden by a baby's. You stop thinking what you want - what you want and what's best for the baby become the same thing.

Maybe your husband will think like that and decide he wants to move? Maybe you will decide that you'll stay in London so the baby is with both of you? It's so difficult to know until the baby is here.

yes sorry the gamble thing did sound weird. yes we won't know until the baby is here now, you're right. i was talking as if it hadn't already happened, but obviously it has. hopefully we will both feel very differently in six months' time.

Okay ... that was fair (sarcastic, maybe even a bit pa ... but fair ) ... I will try to be more constructive!

I agree with the many posters who are pointing out that to have a first baby and sell up/move and job hunt in a new area and entirely change lifestyles all within a very, very short period of time, is an incredibly huge undertaking.

I also agree with ThroughThickAndThin who says of your husband "He's possibly scared shitless of either, let alone both together."

I think you should slow down, LIVINGTHEDREAM. Please slow down. I don't think you should give up your dream by any means, but I do think that ... in the short term ... you must prioritise your relationship with your DH and especially the need for both you and your DH to have a full opportunity to bond with your new baby in that important first year of his/her life.

I think you should sit your DH down and tell him that you are willing to compromise by staying in your present home for one more year (well, seventeen months, including the rest of your pregnancy). Tell him that you are doing this because ... first and foremost ... you want to be a family of three, not two and a weekend dad, or (worse) not a single parent with residence and a dad with very occasional contact. Tell him that you are compromising in this way because you recognise that becoming a parent can be a scary thing, that neither of you know how you'll feel and that you will both need time to adjust and to learn to be parents.

BUT also tell him, that this is JUST a compromise. That you do still want to move and that, far from it being a pipe-dream, you also want the time (the 17 months) to be used by you both to set that dream firmly into reality ... including things like putting your house on the market a short while after the baby is born; gathering information on available properties in the areas of your choice; job hunting (for him) and freelance work hunting (for you); etc, etc, etc.

In fact, when you think about the sheer number of all the potential 'etc etc etceteras', I really think you will need all of that 17 months (the rest of your pregnancy, plus 1 year) to make your dreams become reality, anyway, and ... this way ... I think there is a much better chance of you living the dream together, as a family.

ADishBestEatenCold. Great, thank you. that is really really helpful. i do need to slow down. i know i am trying to rush everything at once. yes, i need to make it clear an 18-month stay in london is my compromise while we plan the move. hopping he doesn't try to extend 18 months to 3 years, five years, ten etc!
thank you for your time and patience and considered response with this. you don't owe me anything!

I think it would be a good thing to compromise and stay in London for the time being. Get used to being a family first, before you move out of London. This though i need to make it clear an 18-month stay in london is my compromise while we plan the move doesn't bode well, I don't think. Really, you need to put this at the back of your mind for the next 18 months - 2 years. Concentrate on being a couple, a family. Don't pester him for that time with 'planning the move'. You're going to have your eyes well and truly opened when your baby arrives. You need to be on board with each other as a couple and pulling together, so leave off with the relocation planning or discussions for now.

Has the best mate cleared your DH staying with his wife (and kids)? Because as you say, a house and a rental would be expensive if he can't stay there. He would still have to pay them something of course, and it couldn't be forever. Really think about the practicalities, take off those rose-tinted specs and get down to the nuts and bolts. I think you are too focused on the dream that you haven't thought it through in terms of will it ACTUALLY work. Your DH might not have either. Once you do that, you might find a solution or compromise that works, or you might end up with your dream after all.

ok although this is what's happened for the last few years. i am so surprised how pro-london everyone is and sympathetic to my husband. but i am listening and learning from this. ok, i will wait two years but my fear is that will turn into 3,4,5.... but it sounds like, unless i want to be lonely or single, i need to put up and shut up!

Hmmm.
I see Plymouth / Exeter as 'the south west' rather than the much nearer to London 'S Coast' - W Sussex to Kent.

When push comes to shove, he just isn't into the plan any more, is he? Whether that I about work, living on London, city life...or what he sees as a life as a parent.

If you stayed in London, would you have to work f/t and put the baby in nursery 7-7?

Would you consider couples counselling to talk this through? Your relationship, how you each make decisions, what you want, individually and as a family?

i 'might' end up up with my dream? yippee!

yes in london i might have to work though id do anything to avoid the nursery. our mortgage is quite small luckily so that would be ok. but yes, blu, i don't think he is into the plan anymore. baby or no baby. though he has little foresight so as so many people have said, hopefully that will all change in six months.
and sorry i thought i said south west not south coast. apologies for the confusion.

maybe we will try couple's counselling if things get worse. we used to be really strong communicators! not sure what happened. relationships change, i suppose.

Why not get counselling BEFORE things get worse?