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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my husband being unreasonable?

236 replies

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:28

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

OP posts:

AgathaF · 29/01/2016 10:17

Where on the south coast are you looking to move? Lots of places are commutable daily to London, perhaps you could compromise and chose one of those?

AlwaysHopeful1 · 29/01/2016 10:19

loads of my friends' husbands do what their wives want!

You are so incredibly naive.

Original poster

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:19

wow, ok thanks for the feedback. i get it. i am unreasonable.
thanks everyone (i think!)

OP posts:

Blu · 29/01/2016 10:20

Congratulations on your ph, OP.

Did you re-visit your 'abstract' idea in detail once you were TTC? Or believing that most men do what their partners want as soon as a baby is on the way did you just assume?

It sounds as if you have focussed a future on being a mother and also daughter and have no other plans to extend or expand your life - all well and good, nothing wrong if that is your dream.

However, in your plan he will be the major breadwinner, and if the-locating means a cul de sac in his career, in his late 30s, then many people for whom their job is important to them would baulk at that.

He is right: in this matter you do want different things, and he should have been clearer as you were formulating your life plan.

But people do change their minds , and now you need to discuss it like grown ups, together .

Perhaps he feels you are more orientated to your parents than him! The S coast is hardly the end of the world for visiting them!

Veritat · 29/01/2016 10:21

It's a little worrying that you seem so dependent on your family - your husband should come first. Bear in mind that when the baby is here you are likely to start making new friends amongst other parents so probably won't be alone and without company and support. If your idea is that he should give up his current job and opt for something low key on the south coast, I can quite see why that isn't in the least appealing to him.

Can you look at some sort of compromise whereby you move out of London to somewhere that is commutable for him but a bit closer for your family?

LaurieFairyCake · 29/01/2016 10:22

It isn't that you're unreasonable - it sounds like he promised something and has now changed his mind.

You now want entirely different things. You have every reason to be disappointed.

Original poster

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:23

aw, thanks lauriefairycake, that is exactly how i feel. thank you so very much.

OP posts:

itsmeagain1 · 29/01/2016 10:23

You're only 4 mths into the pregnancy, I'd just bide my time for now - when baby arrives your husband might have a different perspective.
Could you stay with family a bit after baby arrives, so retain your home in London, spend some time on the south coast yourself with baby, let your DH try staying from time to time etc - as a semi trial rather than having to sell up and leave?

Trills · 29/01/2016 10:24

Did you re-visit your 'abstract' idea in detail once you were TTC? Or believing that most men do what their partners want as soon as a baby is on the way did you just assume?

This is a very good question. It's a bit late now obviously, but god advice for others who may end up in the same situation.

If you agree in a vague manner "when we have a baby we will do xxxx" - don't let time pass and then TTC without discussing that again.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2016 10:24

I'm sure you don't mean to OP, but everything you've said here about your life together with your husband, has come across as very 'ME ME ME'.

I think Blu's post is a good one and provides food for thought.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2016 10:26

It isn't that you're unreasonable - it sounds like he promised something and has now changed his mind.

It doesn't sound to me as though he actually made a promise at all.

OP, was this baby planned or were you just both happy to see if it happens?

Original poster

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:26

thank you Blu. yes, i did assume once we had the baby he would want the 'abstract' idea. its tough. i have lots of friends who make it work on the south coast with part time jobs etc but i realise a lot of people have more ambition than that. but then a lot of people i know in london have their kids in nursery 7 til 7 so i suppose it's about priorities. yes i am very close to my family and my husband - both. again, i see a lot of my girlfriends speak to their mums many times a day.

OP posts:

heavens2betsy · 29/01/2016 10:27

He may feel differently once your baby is born.
Sometimes men don't feel that parental tug until the baby is right in front of them. At the moment he is still just thinking of himself as a man/husband and not as a father yet. Once the protective fatherly thing kicks in he may well just want what is best for his child and be more willing to make a sacrifice.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 10:27

We've moved around a fair bit, but it never involved a change of jobs for my husband. He has changed jobs of course, but I would never ask him to leave a job he liked to facilitate my desire to move.

We last moved about 8 years ago and we looked for somewhere that we both liked and that was a reasonable commute to London. My husband decided how long a commute he could handle and that's what we did. It's a rather long commute, by the way and quite tiring.

I also agree with others, family decisions are a compromise. It's a rather strange idea that the husband has to cave to keep the little wife happy.

Original poster

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:30

im not asking him to leave his job, he has left. we are both at an impasse in our careers and he is considering a career change. hence the lifestyle change out of london.

OP posts:

MonkeyPJs · 29/01/2016 10:32

I do think some ideas are a 'nice to have maybe in the future' but deep down are just nice ideas that people don't really want enough to make them happen. I've seen it with friends before - they say one day I'll quit work for a year and write a novel, one day I'll bike across Europe, one day I'll volunteer in Africa etc etc.

Thing is, they are often just nice ideas, not things that people really actually want as the ideas and thinking about something wistfully is fun sometimes. And I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Maybe moving to the South Coast was in that category for your husband?

ShortandSweeter · 29/01/2016 10:34

I thought most husbands went with what their wives wanted at the end of the day

Happy wife= happy life.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 10:34

Your posts are sounding very me me me and I want this I need that I will be closer to my family, he should make it happen for me.

Everything isn't quite frankly all about you.

hownottofuckup · 29/01/2016 10:35

I think his answer of 'you go, I'm going to keep my options open' is, well, crap!

I know from experience that the baby was real for me once I knew I was pregnant, for him it was once the baby was born. And whilst I just wanted to nest into having the baby, his reaction was to suddenly feel a desperate need to provide and earn money. It did cause issues.

From your DP's response I think it's hard to tell whether this is just 2 different but natural responses that will resolve if you talk, give it time and be prepared to listen and compromise, or if its something more? You said you feel he's withdrawing from you, what makes you feel that? Is he excited about the baby?

Funinthesun15 · 29/01/2016 10:35

I thought most husbands went with what their wives wanted at the end of the day

Jeez

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 10:35

So he's not working at the moment? I don't think you said that.

If most work in his field is in London and he doesn't want to commute then he does need to be in London. He could compromise, but commuting is incredibly difficult and not to be underestimated.

TendonQueen · 29/01/2016 10:35

The whole time you've lived in London, didn't you really want to be there, or were you just doing that 'for him'? And if so, was he aware of that?
Difficult to say how much of this is backtracking and how much is miscommunication. Neither of you seems to have the other one's life goals as a priority. That's going to take a bit of thinking to sort out.

Shutthatdoor · 29/01/2016 10:36

Your posts are sounding very me me me and I want this I need that I will be closer to my family, he should make it happen for me.

I agree with Humpty

TempusEedjit · 29/01/2016 10:38

If I were you I'd stay in London for now but make sure your DH absolutely 100% pulls his weight with the baby. Not just 'helping you out' but proper hands on warts and all, not just the fun parenting bit. If you and he cope fine without your family close by then hopefully you can consider staying in London without you feeling resentful. If however you both struggle then it strengthens your case for a move to the coast.

Original poster

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:39

thanks hownottofuckup for making me smile.
i feel he is withdrawing from me by saying he will be away for four nights a week staying with a friend! nice. while I'm at home with a newborn?
while we were in london we knew the end game was the relocate but it was just a case of when. he is working but he current contract comes to an end in a few months. he doesn't have to be in london - i think i said that...

OP posts:

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