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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my husband being unreasonable?

236 replies

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:28

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LaPharisienne · 29/01/2016 10:40

Sounds to me like he is trying to compromise, but you don't like what he's offering.

Maybe you should have a conversation about the kind of life you both want, what's important to each of you, the sacrifices you each feel you are making and what you are prepared to compromise on?

I have no idea, but perhaps he is panicking about money because he has a baby on the way and a wife who doesn't intend to work f/t after the baby arrives?

Agree with the other posters who said this isn't an urgent decision.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 29/01/2016 10:40

I think he's being extremely selfish and unreasonable. London is no place to raise children! he's thinking only of himself

TempusEedjit · 29/01/2016 10:41

Out of interest would your DH be leaving family behind in London?

Also have you firmly established how much actual help your family would be to you with the baby or are you assuming that too?

Prayingforsnow · 29/01/2016 10:41

He's not working at all? How does that fit in with married life and a baby on the way?

I know a lot of couples who lived and worked in London but relocated after they had children, usually at the toddler stage when they were thinking of schools etc. They reevaluated what they wanted from family life.

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 10:43

London is a fabulous place to raise children!!

As said above, give him time to think about it. Let him see his contract out and don't pressure him. If it's an idea he doesn't hate, he may well come round to it. Just ask him to consider it as an option when he is looking for new contracts

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:45

some of his family are in london, yes. he is currently working but contract ends in four months hence the possible relocation (he will not have a job after four months so ideal time to start again). i am not working, no, though i do some freelance from home. i could go back to work full time after baby, yes, but there is obviously less opportunity outside of london so it wouldn't be a £50k a year job as per my last in london.
im not assuming the help from my family, no, it is definitely there.
i seem to have come across wrongly on this board. i am not selfish or me, me, me. i just wanted to stick to the plan we always had which now seems to be changing.

OP posts:
HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 10:48

I think he's being extremely selfish and unreasonable. London is no place to raise children! he's thinking only of himself

Absolute tosh!

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 10:50

It sounds like it was your plan and not his though!

Nottodaythankyouorever · 29/01/2016 10:50

i just wanted to stick to the plan we always had which now seems to be changing.

It doesn't seem that he did agree to the plan though. It was your plan and you just want him to go along with it.

TempusEedjit · 29/01/2016 10:50

I just wanted to stick to the plan we always had which now seems to be changing

But from what you say you assumed the "we", it was always your plan which you thought he'd go along with and now it's coming back to bite you on the behind.

Has your DH always wanted children himself? Concerned that he'd actively choose to live away for 4 nights a week when his job doesn't actually call for it.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 10:51

I couldn't live in London myself, but I think it could be a good place to raise children if you live in the right area. There are nice open spaces and so much to do.

Shakey15000 · 29/01/2016 10:51

It does sound like you've been merrily formulating your dream and forgot to check in with him intermittently with him to see if you're both still on the same page.

He's not, and that's not unreasonable of him. Neither are you to go for your dream.

FWIW we were in the exact same position regarding moving from London to my home town when DS was on the way. DH is London born and bred and found it VERY difficult to settle. It's better now, 8yrs down the line.

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:51

it was our plan. but i was always 'in the future'. now it is here.
yes, i am also concerned why he wants to be away from us when he doesn't currently have a job that calls for him to be away.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 29/01/2016 10:52

It's not easy to tell what's going on. Did you move to London for 20 years for him then?

Could it be you have assumed 'my dream' is 'our dream'? And as you were talking about something hypothetical at that point your DH hasn't directly said no and you are just assuming that means he shared your vision?

Nothing about the 'a husband should do it for his wife' style comments chimes with me. I don't expect that of my DH. I'm not sure you should either. Your whole plan is about your wants - your family, your location and your pace of life and salary. It's a LOT to expect a partner to want all those same things too. Not many people dream about moving near their in-laws and their partner's home area. People do make such moves but to expect that to be their dream to do so is unrealistic.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation where you both state what you want (without interference or judgement from the other). If it's different things, you then need to make compromises. And remember compromises are generally painful as you both have to give up part of what you want. A compromise agreement will never feel like you are living your dream. But that's part of being in a committed couple really.

I am saying all this assuming you have an otherwise good relationship apart from this issue. If you didn't, then that is something different again, I'm afraid.

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:53

so Shakey15000 your husband did move for you, is that right? not as unreasonable as everyone here has made out then if someone else's husband has done it?

OP posts:
Bubblesinthesummer · 29/01/2016 10:53

am also concerned why he wants to be away from us when he doesn't currently have a job that calls for him to be away.

It is his compromise because he doesn't want to move.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 29/01/2016 10:54

It sounds like you just want to stay at home with your child, have your family at your doorstep, chat to your mother everyday like your friends do and basically just amble on on your terms.

Your Dh didn't promise you anything, you had an abstract idea which you then assumed should be put into action now. Also your idea men should do anything to please their wives is very backward.
You want this whole situation to fit into this ideal picture you have which is very selfish.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 10:55

so Shakey15000 your husband did move for you, is that right? not as unreasonable as everyone here has made out then if someone else's husband has done it?

Grin one person did it so it's ok.

MadamCroquette · 29/01/2016 10:55

I'm surprised at the responses, I don't think you sound selfish. This was what you thought was the plan, now the baby's a reality you thought it would happen. I'd actually be a bit worried by statements like "I'll keep my options open" and "We want different things". He doesn't want to live with you and the baby most of the time??

I don't think he should automatically do what you want - I do agree with others that big decisions should be jointly agreed on. But you thought it was something you had agreed on. I wonder if he just went along with it as it wasn't something he had to bother about at the time. I'd be annoyed.

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 10:55

No one said it was unreasonable to have a discussion and agree to move - even if he isn't sure

It is unreasonable to expect him to move if he doesn't want to.

peggyundercrackers · 29/01/2016 10:55

You have mentioned a couple of times you think he is withdrawing from you because he wants to stay in London but given you live in London and you want to move do you not think he feels you are withdrawing from your life there?

Surely if you have lived in London for 20yrs you have built your own life there with friends, work etc. but if you move the only life you have is your immediate family but no work etc.

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:55

thanks oven chips. yeah, things aren't great in other areas - long story. things are rocky generally but we thought this would make things ok. and before anyone says it, i know.

OP posts:
Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 10:56

thank you madam croquette that is exactly it.

OP posts:
HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 10:58

but we thought this would make things ok

No, you thought it would make everything OK.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 29/01/2016 10:59

London's an awful place to raise children, cars everywhere, dangerous people walking on the streets, appalling air quality and schools full of criminals

yeah I'm aware this reply is a bit intolerant Grin