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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is my husband being unreasonable?

236 replies

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:28

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AgathaF · 29/01/2016 11:46

do I presume other people put all their hopes, dreams and aspirations down on paper so to avoid any confusion in the future

It's more that dreams and plans are not set in stone and are subject to changes as we go along.

I can understand that you want your dream of a family by the sea, but this child is yours and his, and he is entitled to have his dreams too. I really wouldn't rush in to moving away before your baby is born. Personally, unless the marriage has completely broken down, I think it would be a selfish thing to do just to chase how you imagined your family to be. See how he feels after the baby is actually here. Talk about it together without blame. It doesn't have to be this year. You could relocate in two years, or four, and still have your dream, but with a husband who is on board with your plans and your family intact.

That said, if your relationship is really on its last legs......... Well, only you know if that is the scenario you are in.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:48

Not really SirChenjin. It was always 'in the future'. i mean, i didnt get it written in blood but it was always the dream.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 29/01/2016 11:49

Sorry, between Exeter and Plymouth.

Lovely, but very, very different to London.

My husband and I had pie in the sky dreams about moving to Devon many years ago when you could get acres of land for next to no money. It is very expensive now and I can honestly say that I wouldn't go there now for many reasons.

My daughter went to uni in Falmouth, thought she would love it, but decided she could never live there and was happy to come back to our city. She now lives in an even bigger city and seems to enjoy it. Falmouth is more of a bubble than some parts of Devon and Cornwall, but jobs are very hard to come by in that area of the country. Don't most people go there to retire?

KneeQuestion · 29/01/2016 11:49

I'd be very worried about a dp who wanted 4 nights a week away from me and pfb

This.

I am surprised this point hasn't been commented on more.

It sounds a bit like he is checking out.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 11:49

I should say my husband wouldn't go there either. Dreams change.

ovenchips · 29/01/2016 11:50

OP Please talk to your husband. We can all of us only second guess to a large extent. Find out what your DH thinks but also remember you are having a baby and that will change your whole lives anyway in a few months' time. You both may feel differently again after the baby is born.

Best of luck.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:50

yes pitpatkitkat that is exactly it.
yes, definitely.
and the answer is...?

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyouorever · 29/01/2016 11:50

It sounds a bit like he is checking out.

I actually think it is his way of trying to compromise.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:51

thanks oven chips. X

OP posts:
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:52

but aren't 'checking out' and 'compromising' very different things?
how do i know which he is doing?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 29/01/2016 11:52

Ask him.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:53

he also hasn't said 'i love you' once since the news.

OP posts:
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:53

yes fireside chat i will do when he gets in from the pub.

OP posts:
FellOutOfBedTwice · 29/01/2016 11:54

I think he sounds like he's being a bit of a prick but that you probably got pregnant to push things forward (I'm not saying that he didn't agree to the baby or that you only got pregnant for that reason, but I suspect in your mind this would solve everything and kick start your new life).

I think take the bull by the horns and a serious and frank discussion about where the marriage is and where it's going are needed here.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:57

yes felloutofbedtwice, thank you, that's true. we have talked so much and i cannot seem to get exactly what it is that he wants. other than to keep options open. he is drained by me and my incessant talking about it and the future and what he wants. i am a bit intense to be fair.

OP posts:
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:58

that is exactly it, actually. to push things forword, to move on to the next stage. but now the goalposts seem to have changed!

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyouorever · 29/01/2016 12:03

but aren't 'checking out' and 'compromising' very different things?

Yes which is my point. The 4 days isn't him checking out but trying to compromise.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 12:05

yes i see it as a compromise but also getting to live with your best mate for half the week while your wife is 250 miles away with a screaming baby?

OP posts:
PitPatKitKat · 29/01/2016 12:07

Agree with ovenchips OP, we can only second guess what the answer is...so talk to your husband.

There's probably not a quick, simple answer..but there likely will be an answer. One that you reach together, when you both feel like your deep emotions are being listened to by the other.

It's not just about finding the perfect answer, it's about make each other feel listened to, respected and able to express their own true emotions at each step.

If he is compromising, he will generally listen to you when you have a reasonable conversation about it and be able to at least start to talk about how he is feeling/what he wants to do/why he thinks his way will work out for the best. He might get a bit frustrated or upset at times, but that just shows he is emotionally engaged with what is going on. He might find it difficult to express himself depending on how much experience he has about talking about things that are really going on rather than hypothetically, but he will at least try and stumble through it as best he can.

If he is checking out he'll fob you off with any old nonsense.

TBH, if his emotional response to the situation of having a child is "must provide for family, must provide for family, must work, must protect" then my guess is it's more likely to be compromise than checking out.

DH went into "must work, must provide" overdrive when I was ill and unable to work for a couple of years. It was a bit tough to deal with emotionally as he was stressed and worried a lot as he was desperate not to let me down. Would rather have dealt with that though than a bloke who wasn't prepared to stick by someone ill.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 12:07

Commuting from Exeter to London everday would be awful!

antimatter · 29/01/2016 12:09

When was the last time before you got pregnant that you actually discussed relocation.
I mean discussed like sat down and talked the actual details of the future move?

Bubblesinthesummer · 29/01/2016 12:09

yes i see it as a compromise but also getting to live with your best mate for half the week while your wife is 250 miles away with a screaming baby?

Well what compromises are you proposing?

As pp has just said you can't expect him to commute from Exeter to London.

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 12:10

thanks pitpatkitkat that's really really helpful and i am really taking on board what (most) people are saying. thank you for investing your time in my problems.

OP posts:
PitPatKitKat · 29/01/2016 12:10

Usually more helpful to see life as a constantly moving target than a set of goal posts BTW.

Lightbulbon · 29/01/2016 12:11

So you aren't his 'best mate'.

Sums it up,really.

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