Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my husband being unreasonable?

236 replies

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:28

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MadamCroquette · 29/01/2016 11:00

Yes but if he agreed to this idea originally, and hasn't informed her otherwise, how was she to know he'd changed his mind? Surely it's not her job to keep asking "are you still on board with our plans?" - it's for him to tell her if he changes his mind. Now he's dropped it on her once the baby is coming, and it's a shock.

It may have been her idea originally, but if he said yes to it then she'd have every reason to think he meant it and wanted it. After all it's what many, many people do when they have DC.

ovenchips · 29/01/2016 11:01

So if things are rocky do you think that is making you even keener to move to the bosom of your family? And your husband saying 'we want different things' could mean something more than where you live? Was the baby something you both wanted?

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 11:02

Ah the latest posts make it clear. In that case I think you need to have a hard look at your relationship and ignore the move for now. Try to separate your relationship and moving house as two issues. It sounds like you husband's plan is a step on the road to ending your marriage.

SevenOfNineTrue · 29/01/2016 11:10

he also keeps saying we 'want different things'.. what does that mean?!

Exactly that. You want a quiet life, don't mind living frugally in a quiet place. He wants to live a far more exciting (to him) life with hustle and bustle.

Maybe he did want to move away when you first agreed it, but it is clearly not what he wants now.

If things have been rocky, could saying no to the move be the way he is trying to end things?

FredaMayor · 29/01/2016 11:12

he also keeps saying we 'want different things'.. what does that mean?

IMO it means that he does not have the same dreams or ambitions as you. I think you could usefully be making plans for yourself and DC that don't include H.

FredaMayor · 29/01/2016 11:13

Sorry, crosspost with 7of9.

MadamCroquette · 29/01/2016 11:13

"We want different things" is something people say when they want to end a relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that but I think you really need to have it out with him and get to the bottom of this.

(If things are really bad, it might be better for you to move without him anyway – be close to your parents so you'll have their support.)

Lightbulbon · 29/01/2016 11:14

I'd be very worried about a dp who wanted 4 nights a week away from me and pfb.

That woulld be a deal breaker for me.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 11:15

Yes but if he agreed to this idea originally, and hasn't informed her otherwise, how was she to know he'd changed his mind?

By maybe disgusing it in the 10 years they have been together.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2016 11:15

I think he's being extremely selfish and unreasonable. London is no place to raise children! he's thinking only of himself

This wins the daftest comment of the week award ^^

And believe me, there's been quite a few contenders...

Goingtobeawesome · 29/01/2016 11:15

If you are genuinely sure he wanted it too you need to ask him why, now you are pregnant, he has changed his mind.

Four nights alone with a new born will be exhausting. When he's there will he do 24/7 Friday - Sunday?

DolorestheNewt · 29/01/2016 11:17

WorraLiberty I think the follow-up comment that our London schools are full of criminals might shade it.

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:19

It must be wonderful to be perfect

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 29/01/2016 11:20

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. He doesn't want to move and I don't think you are going to change his mind. Is it enough for you to leave him though? I don't think you both being 'together' and being in different places is being realistic/ideal. Both parents should be together properly bringing a baby into the world. It's either you split and live your dream or you compromise and stay in London (if you're happy to stay with your DH).

Stripyhoglets · 29/01/2016 11:21

If he'd always agreed to this and now changed his mind now baby is on the way - yanbu and he is being very unreasonable to have strung you along like this. You will never get out of london if you wait and see. I would go back on my own if necessary and get that London property sold to get my share of the equity to set up alone on the south coast.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2016 11:21

True Dolores, we're spoilt for choice Grin

loveyoutothemoon · 29/01/2016 11:22

And sounds like to me that he wouldn't be prepared to travel to see his family either. You need to have some serious conversations.

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 11:22

I have a friend who commutes from Brighton and it is not for everyone.

If he is ambitious in his career and he can only do that in London then a compromise needs to be made - either he does a crazy commute or he stays in London during the week or you all stay an easy commute away

It sounds like he needs to have a think about his career and what he wants to do there. As he will be the only earner I think you should respect his choice. I don't think there's anything more soul destroying than having to work in a job you don't want to do and having to turn down a job you do

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:22

thanks to the people who have been genuinely helpful. sorry, my comment above referred to a post ages ago.
i think i know deep down the 'we want different things' comment is the first step to a separation, you're right.
:-(

OP posts:
Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:24

thank you stripeyhoglets and loveyoutothemoon.
thank you so much.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 11:25

"things are rocky" and he says you "want different things"

I think you need to start preparing mentally and practically to be a single mum. Sorry. But at least you can do what you want and move back to be near your family, right?!

Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:27

he cannot only do his career in london. he wants to change career anyway. he just wants the range of opportunity in london rather than the south west.

OP posts:
Original poster
LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 11:28

thanks anotheremma. i hate to think like this but I fear you are right.
absolutely gutted.

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets · 29/01/2016 11:28

Or move, agree the 4 days him in London and see how it goes. It might be ok. I would be devastated to have a an agreed expectation of living near the sea snatched away from me. But you need to get out of london as agreed. I think he's got cold feet about parenthood and moving.

Mumberjack · 29/01/2016 11:28

I think he is in denial about the reality of having a child. Firstly by going back on an agreement about relocation, sounds like he's too frightened to let go of the London lifestyle (if by active you mean going out a lot then sorry he'll be a bit busy for all of that for a while and his priorities will need to change).
He is assuming that regardless of where you live, his life isn't going to change. Offering to stay with a friend throughout the week isn't good enough, he should want to be fully involved in your lives.
Stay where you are for now and see how you find it once baby arrives.

Swipe left for the next trending thread