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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is my husband being unreasonable?

236 replies

LIVINGTHEDREAM1 · 29/01/2016 09:28

hi. i'd be really interested in people's opinions on this. i want to relocate out of london to the south coast as we have a baby on the way. that was always the plan - we have been together 10 years. we said we'd do it once a baby was on the way. now that that's happened, my husband is back tracking, saying he needs to be in london for work (he doesn't) and i can relocate and he may spent 4 nights a week away.
i understandably feel very vulnerable and worried and want him to just agree to a move out. he says i can move but he will leave his options open and he 'may' feel differently once the baby is here. but i want a definite plan. all i want is a nice family home near my family (who are also on the south coast). he wants to make more money in london but i am so over that! am i, or he, being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 16:11

Yep.

antimatter · 29/01/2016 17:11

It is no different that couples going through change of mind re:having kids. Some survive it others don't.
Depends what's more important for each and how feasible is the compromise.

Maybe move somewhere near Reading to have kind of compromise between London and living closer to your family.

I think your dh is not actually grasping how his life is going to change in just over 20 weeks time....

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/01/2016 17:12

"to extend 18 months to 3 years, five years, ten"

That is a danger. Obviously I, people posting, don't know your DH ... so we don't know how much of a danger, but it is clear from your posts that you have had had these talks with him before and he is still regarding your dreams as, very much, 'dreams' ... not 'reality'.

That is why I think the compromise has got to have very clear time spans in it. I think that you must be very clear with him why you are compromising (best for all three of you to spend the first year together without being apart for a big chuck of each week, etc), but also very, very clear that you still want to move so part of your compromise is that he agrees that you will both put the house on the market by the time the baby is (say) three months old with a view to having moved, lock-stock-and-barrel, by the time baby is a year old at the latest. I think it would be fair to tell him that is the full extent of your compromise.

Keep remembering that, if he is anything like the vast majority of dads, it is very possible that he is going to be so bowled over with love for his (your) baby when he/she is here, that he is not going to want to be any further away from him/her than is absolutely necessary, and he may well do a complete about face.

You are starting to sound really sad, LIVINGTHEDREAM, and from what you've said your DH is, too. I really do hope that you can both reach some common ground on this and have a chance to enjoy your pregnancy a bit. Your first baby!

BYOSnowman · 29/01/2016 19:04

Did you always agree that you would be a sahm? It looks like there is a lot of pressure building on him in terms of earning and making you happy

NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 29/01/2016 19:49

Argh sorry wrong thread!

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 19:50

No one is a SAHP. The baby hasn't been born yet Confused

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 19:50

X posts Grin

summerainbow · 29/01/2016 20:34

I would your DH best mate wife and tell her what your husband is planing aand is ok with her.
Because I very doubt it will be unless they need a lodger to pay the bills.
I hope she also get PG aand then there will not be a any room for him

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 29/01/2016 20:37

I would your DH best mate wife and tell her what your husband is planing aand is ok with her.
Because I very doubt it will be unless they need a lodger to pay the bills.
I hope she also get PG aand then there will not be a any room for him

Why? To force him to do something he doesn't want to do? How controlling and snidy.

DespicableBee · 29/01/2016 21:30

I think him saying you both want different things says it all really
You jeed to talk to him see if you can both compromise
If you just stay in london indefinitely then he hasnt compromised at all, and you have given up on your dream of living by tge coast
Its fine to want to live near family when you have children, loads of people do it
I gues you've got to decide wether you wouod be prepared to move to the coast on your own if he keeps stalling

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