Please tell me I'm wrong to assume all men coerce and pressure women into sex, or worse

[snowflake02]

Just that really. What happens in a healthy relationship if you aren't in the mood? Is that really the end of it?

Yes. Of course.

Yes.

Yes. If I'm not in the mood, dh says ok then. That's it.

Of course not ALL men force women into having sex.
If I'm not in the mood my DH gives me a snuggle and the off he goes. Occaisionally, if it's been a while, he will express disappointment and even more occaisionally I might get myself in the mood to please him.

At the end of the day, if I say no that's it.

I have lived with four different partners/men- I can categorically state I've never been pressurised or coerced into sex.

What's going on op?

Yes.

Yes.

Ive experienced sulking/tantrum man child stuff

Yep. Been with DH, ex, lots of other shorter relationships and many one offs. All perfectly ok with not doing anything when I didn't want to. Even the ONSs.

Smartiepants79 Mon 19-Oct-15 21:10:13
Of course not ALL men force women into having sex.
If I'm not in the mood my DH gives me a snuggle and the off he goes. Occaisionally, if it's been a while, he will express disappointment and even more occaisionally I might get myself in the mood to please him.
At the end of the day, if I say no that's it.

Your post is really interesting because you totally contradict yourself. To me "getting yourself in the mood to please him" does imply that you feel under pressure to have sex with him.

Not all men are anything.... But some men/arseholes pressure women into sex for sure

Yes

Only rapists pressure women into sex they don't want

Thanks for all the replies, good to know that I'm apparently wrong. Is there a level of persuasion that's acceptable or to be expected? Or do they really just say 'oh, ok then'?

Yes you're wrong to assume this. If one of us isn't in the mood we just have a kiss and cuddle and go to sleep, no drama. I don't often have to say i'm not in the mood and vice versa, we usually know before we go to bed if we'll have sex just by the way we are together, if that makes sense.

I have experienced coercive/beyond coercive behaviour from one partner (my first sexual partner incidentally - I don't think it's entirely a coincidence that I was incredibly inexperienced and unsure of how I should behave and how well I deserved to be treated with my first partner).

My current partner pretty much won't lay a finger anywhere even remotely near an erogenous zone unless I've initiated that kind of contact (or hinted extremely heavily, or explicitly stated a desire for that sort of thing to happen). It makes for what might feel like less sexual tension in the air, but it also means I feel completely and utterly safe and not under threat.

I feel like a lot of what I perceived to be sexual tension in earlier (less mature/experienced) relationships was really more anxiety about whether I needed to 'put out' and whether I was deemed 'good enough', 'sexual enough', 'available enough'. Maybe actually even a bit of fear about sexual acts that I was kidding myself that I was comfortable with because I felt I needed to be comfortable with them in order to be worthy of a relationship.

I feel none of that tension now, but I do feel 100% loved and like my bodily autonomy is respected. Like I'm not viewed as an orifice. There are other kinds of relationships, please don't settle.

Well..if it's a clear no - I'm knackered, anxious, got my period, thrush, stomach ache etc, etc- then no attempt at persuasion is acceptable surely?

If it's a hmm not sure but I might be persuaded, then some might be.

If I'm not in the mood then I say no and that's it really. Dp might be disappointed but he would never coerce me into sex. Same works the other way round, it isn't always him after sex and me saying no, sometimes I want to but he doesn't and that's OK too.

The pp who said she sometimes gets herself in the mood. Well I have done that too. I don't think it's always a bad thing, it depends on context. With me I've done that after having dd. It was about a year before I fully wanted to have sex but I did try it a few times prior to that even though I wasnt completely in the mood for it. It wasn't because dp forced it but I did it more for him than me. But not because I was worried of his reaction if I didn't or anything like that.

Yup. I'm not in mood. DP says ok, we have a cuddle and that's it.

The only type of persuasion that is ever acceptable is where the man seeks to pleasure the woman to the point where she wants to have sex, whether that be physical (a kiss or caress) romantic (a candlelit dinner) or emotional (looking after the kids and cleaning the kitchen while you have a bath)
This type of gentle persuasion results in a very willing partner.

No pressure is ever acceptable - physical or emotional
Pressure results in an unwilling partner.

If I am not interested, my DH says ok and cuddles me instead

Any decent man wouldn't want sex with someone who clearly wasn't into it. If you're not in the mood, that should be the end of subject.

If I'm clearly not going to be in the mood he won't even try. He'll snuggle me and be turned on but he doesn't try and pressure me at all.
I don't think you should have to put up or expect nagging or pressure. No level of that is ok. You should only want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with you!!

I agree with logical and Heathcliffe

Wow. Guess it should give me some hope but at the moment I can't imagine it ever being that simple and guilt free.

Why would there be guilt? Do you feel partners owe each other sex?