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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I'm wrong to assume all men coerce and pressure women into sex, or worse

226 replies

snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 21:06

Just that really. What happens in a healthy relationship if you aren't in the mood? Is that really the end of it?

OP posts:
welshHairs · 19/10/2015 23:00

Sad sorry he was a shit one op. You are sounding strong though which is really great as I can imagine what your ex husband was like. I hate these awful dickheads, it makes me angry to think of them out there, it really does. I hope you're OK.

Gabilan · 19/10/2015 23:01

Snowflake that's awful. Please leave him.

LilaTheTiger · 19/10/2015 23:02

Well done on spotting the problem. Some of us go years and years thinking it's "the way men are" or that the problem is us.

Don't beat yourself up snowflake, you've spotted a bellend, double checked you're right, and you're making a plan to sort it.

Be proud of knowing you're worth more Smile

(and check out The Freedom Project)

ouryve · 19/10/2015 23:03

Yes.

BertieBotts · 19/10/2015 23:05

You're alright, OP. You haven't damaged anything with this experience - if anything it's probably helped to hone your twat radar. Which he is, BTW.

You don't need to lose faith in men but it's def a good idea to spend some time single until you've totally put to bed all of those expectations, which can be really sneaky, BTW, so it's not like you've been silly not to realise or anything. When something seems normal you don't question it, so it's hard to know what to question and what IS normal.

It's not normal to pressure or guilt trip you into sex in ANY way. I have been on the receiving end and it's not nice. Glad to hear you are ending this one :)

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 23:06

Well done for recognising the problem and deciding to end it. That's often the difficult part I think.

Look up the Freedom Programme.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 23:10

Thank you, I hope I am strong enough. I don't want this and my last relationship to ruin any chance of a happy, healthy relationship in the future

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 23:12

Has anyone recommended the Freedom Programme ?

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 23:13

oops, crossed with Emma Smile

ThreeRuddyTubs · 19/10/2015 23:13

He sounds horrendous and just like my ex. He knew all about my past history with a previous boyfriend and he said all the right things to make me think he was different and I trusted him. I posted about him on here on another thread saying how great he was and AF actually said he sounded horrific. I flounced off and name changed but actually she was spot on.

These men make all the right noises but they're incredibly selfish. My catalyst was being on holiday with him knowing I couldn't face having sex with him again so I actually told him I was unlikely to want it again that week. "Oh" he said. "As long as I get it once or twice more this week I will be happy". The only proper response would have been "ok that's fine" from a decent man but he wasn't a decent man. I'm so much happier without him....but I'm a bit wary of jumping into another relationship...what if it's the same?

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 23:17

AnyFucker Great minds Smile

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 23:17

I have revisited the freedom programme and actually found it more helpful the second time round.

Twat radar made me laugh!

I think it will take a lot to shift the idea that that is just what men do.

I've just realised that he has actually used my ex and what he did more than I first realised. Not nice at all. But apparently I won't find a nicer guy than him...

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 23:18

"But apparently I won't find a nicer guy than him..."

What makes you say that?

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 23:18

That is what he tells me

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 19/10/2015 23:19

AF I tried to but I said project because 3 13hr shifts on the trot makes me hopeless Blush

I meant well.

LilaTheTiger · 19/10/2015 23:20

"But apparently I won't find a nicer guy than him..."

Haha! Methinks he doth protest too much Wink

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 23:21

"That is what he tells me"
Snowflake, you know he's abusive, you know he'll say anything to keep you under his control, to keep you as his sex slave, and that includes saying shit like that to scare you and damage your self esteem.
Please leave him and go back to counselling to cancel out that awful script he's written for you, and write a new one for yourself.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 23:23

What a Joker, eh ? Smile

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 23:24

I am glad you got away, TRT

LilaTheTiger · 19/10/2015 23:26

that is just what men do

Men are individuals, what they do is everything, from being Hitler to Gandhi to your dad and your sons.

Men are just people, like women, they are no more creatures of instinct or driven by hormones than you are.

Therefore, like we are, they are responsible for their choices. Some men don't like to hear that, as the excuses have been serving them well. However, that's tough Grin

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 23:27

Couldn't agree more, Lila

BertieBotts · 19/10/2015 23:28

Is this him? gawker.com/5969878/nice-guys-of-ok-cupid-are-not-really

:)

Sossidge · 19/10/2015 23:28

People who are truly decent don't need to go around informing others of the fact, it's obvious from the way they behave and interact.

Sex isn't something one person does to another , it's meant to be mutually excellent, obviously with ongoing mutual consent.

OP, you need to raise the bar much much much higher, find your inner badass and bloom into a confident woman who won't tolerate substandardness, this feeble nob needs dismissed.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 23:29

Very good point, I must remember that if I'm ever brave enough to try again! I feel so stupid that I have ended up in another abusive relationship, I guess AnotherEmma is right. That is what it is. (There is more to it than just the coercion element).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 23:31

Bertie Smile

Gawd save us from the Nice Guys and the Charming Men...