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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I'm wrong to assume all men coerce and pressure women into sex, or worse

226 replies

snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 21:06

Just that really. What happens in a healthy relationship if you aren't in the mood? Is that really the end of it?

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 19/10/2015 22:05

It's simple and guilt free.

"No, but I'd love a cuddle."

My ex was a world class sulker though. Then I wondered why he'd want to have sex with someone who had expressed a no, was tired, was in pain... Well it's not nice is it? I'm not sure if selfish covers it.

What's happening with you OP?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 19/10/2015 22:09

Why is that op? What's happening?

Kacie123 · 19/10/2015 22:10

Yes, no pressure here either. Sounds like you might have had some bad experiences OP. Sad

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:11

I don't think that anyone ever owes someone sex. Looks like I have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Don't feel I can say much more incase anyone recognises me.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 19/10/2015 22:14

No pressure from decent men. One ex I felt pressured. I was very inexperienced, but I learned a lot. Mainly never to put up with that shit.

Shallishanti · 19/10/2015 22:15

you are wrong, all men are not like that
how much fun would it be to have sex with someone who wasn't keen?=none at all
coercion/pressure/sulking etc all controlling behaviour, which you do not have to tolerate

Jeffreythegiraffe · 19/10/2015 22:15

Do you feel like you can't say no? Or do you feel like if you say no your partner puts pressure on you?

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:21

No doesn't go down very well, once is ok, but if I say no the next time too (a matter of hours later) he doesn't like it. But he makes a big thing of how he would never do anything that I didn't want to do and would never force himself on me like my ex...i guess it was subtle to start with

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 19/10/2015 22:35

That doesn't sound good Snowflake.

Sulking behaviour is shit enough but using the implicit threats and reminders of an abusive ex is extra horrible. Sounds like someone you shouldn't really be with.

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can talk about it and explain how he's making you feel? (Someone might come along and shoot that idea down incidentally).

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/10/2015 22:37

But he makes a big thing of how he would never do anything that I didn't want to do and would never force himself on me like my ex...i guess it was subtle to start with

Oh dear. Did you seek any support for yourself between that relationship and this one? This is already sounding a bit textbook.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 22:39

Frying pan/fire comes to mind Sad

if your ex was a grade 10 coercive tosser, this one being a grade 2 coercive tosser doesn't make it ok

Norest · 19/10/2015 22:42

I've never been in a relationship with a man who has attempted to guilt or coerce me into sex. The normal response has been an ok, cuddle and kiss etc.

I have, however, been with a female (briefly) who guilted / demanded / coerced for sex. So it can happen even when it is not a man we are talking about...my point being this is not necessarily a gender problem, but a person problem. As in a disrespectful of boundaries, space and sexual autonomy sort of problem. sorry you are facing this.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:43

It hadn't occurred to me that it was extra horrible to use reminders like that, to start with I thought it was really lovely and caring of him, until he started to pressure me and still say it. Then I started to find it confusing. But I suppose it isn't actually very nice.

I was seeing a therapist until I left my husband but then I couldn't afford it. I know I need more therapy and I guess this proves it. I need to remove the stamp I seem to have that says 'vulnerable'

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 19/10/2015 22:48

Do you live together OP?

How easy would it be to get away from this one? Him mentioning your previous experiences don't sit well with me. Sounds like he expects your gratitude for not being a class A abuser...

Have you heard about the Freedom Project. It's free and might be what you need x

Gabilan · 19/10/2015 22:49

He shouldn't be pressurising you at all OP. Sex should be fun. If someone feels coerced, it isn't.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:50

I have spoken to him about it a couple of times and he says all the right things but it hasn't actually changed anything. I know I need to end the relationship. I just hope I haven't done myself anymore damage by being with him

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 19/10/2015 22:50

A really decent bloke will respect you first and foremost as a person in your own right, who chooses to be in a partnership. And, as lots of previous posters have said, there should be no pressure or sulking if you don't feel like it for ANY reason.

Up until May, DH and I couldn't physically have sex due to medical issues for TWO YEARS. And even though non penetrative stuff could be done, I physically and mentally didn't feel like it. Not ONCE did he sulk, make any snidey etc comments, pressure me, guilt trip me, nada. He was nothing but supportive and understanding.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:51

Yes I think he does expect gratitude

OP posts:
welshHairs · 19/10/2015 22:51

Well it sounds positive that you actually recognised there was a problem enough to make you start this thread. Are you living with him op?

Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:55

That sounds amazing. He does always stop eventually, but I might have to say no 3 or 4 times and he will try to pressure me (guilt mainly) in between and then eventually give up. Sometimes I don't say no just to avoid the guilt and 'discussions' that ensue if I say no twice in a row

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 22:56
Sad
Original poster
snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 22:57

Thankfully we don't live together. I will be ending it. I'm annoyed at myself for letting it happen again. I don't want to loose all faith in men and thought I had found a good one

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 19/10/2015 22:58

You have it in you to be strong and to recover from this and your previous relationship Snowflake. Thanks

Counselling is a really good idea if you can find it again, and so is working out how to end this relationship as simply as possibly. If you don't know where to start, it might be worth starting a new thread asking for advice on how to do that, or calling a support line like Women's Aid.

Meanwhile there's so much support from people who've been in similar situations here on Mumsnet.

You really do deserve better than this.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 22:59

Good for you

Congratulate yourself for recognising it.

Kacie123 · 19/10/2015 22:59

X-post - I'm glad for you.