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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I'm wrong to assume all men coerce and pressure women into sex, or worse

226 replies

snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 21:06

Just that really. What happens in a healthy relationship if you aren't in the mood? Is that really the end of it?

OP posts:
Elendon · 20/10/2015 15:38

Thanks Oddly that clears it up.

Because I had that 'gentle' persuasion. Thankfully, I've not banned candles or a running bath from the house.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 16:58

Thank you everyone. I like the restaurant analogy, its a really good way to think about it.

I don't mind him being crude in context, if that makes sense. But it seems that its starting to come more out of context now, which feels almost like a demand I suppose, because I know he will keep pestering if I don't want to. And the same pattern of behaviour was starting to become apparent in other situations too.

pocketsaviour you are right, I did think he was totally different and on the face of it he was. But the same paranoia and insecurities are still there and leading to similar behaviours.

Good advice from everyone to just be kind to myself for a bit. I will give it a go!

OP posts:
ShortandSweeter · 20/10/2015 18:38

it's not just men. My ex GF used to coerce me

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 18:51

Sorry, I'm sure it is not just men who coerce. Didn't meant it to sound like that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 19:06

It didn't sound like "that" snow

Ignore the male merailer taking a cheap shot at "women do it too, you know"

tilliebob · 20/10/2015 19:13

Jesus, this thread is awful Shock. Get shot of this fuckwit OP. You will find better, you don't need persuaded/coerced into sex and you don't need to put up with that type of fuckwittery at all.

Gabilan · 20/10/2015 19:14

Snowflake I think maybe you should focus less on what's "normal" and more on what you like. It doesn't matter what "everyone else" does, if you're not happy with it. If you worry about what's normal, you're open to someone trying to manipulate you by telling you other people do it.
Your instincts sound good if you can learn to trust them again!

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 19:24

Gabilan good point. I think I question what is normal because of not having good past experience, which I'm still struggling to come to terms with. I don't want to be over sensitive because of things that have happened with my ex because that isn't fair. Plus the fact that he tells me 'that is just what men do'.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 19:31

Do you still believe him when he says "this is what men do" ?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 20/10/2015 19:33

It happened in my longest relationship, but that was because I was never really into him. He was abusive and opportunistic, and basically nagged me into everything, including the relationship itself. It should not be a factor in a healthy relationship.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 20/10/2015 19:34

It happened in my longest relationship, but that was because I was never really into him. He was abusive and opportunistic, and basically nagged me into everything, including the relationship itself. It should not be a factor in a healthy relationship.

Gabilan · 20/10/2015 19:35

IME "that's just what men do" is often used to persuade you to do something you don't want to do. There are billions of men on this planet and they don't all do the same thing.

Gabilan · 20/10/2015 19:36

IME "that's just what men do" is often used to persuade you to do something you don't want to do. There are billions of men on this planet and they don't all do the same thing.

msbrightside · 20/10/2015 19:46

this thread has shaken me up. i too have a partner who expects sex whenever his stays (we dont live together) on the odd occassion i dont feel like it, he goes off to the other room and sulks - or even goes back to his place as he feels frustrated his time has been wasted. i know if i refuse there is always a sulk of some kind. makes me feel like a hole and lately i just dont want to see him as there is always an expectation.. i thought it was just cos he has 'needs' that seem priority, never mind how i feel.

AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 19:55

His time is "wasted" if you don't open your legs ?

That man wants a blow up doll, not a partner that he can respect

AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 19:56

Men's needs do not have priority over your self respect

Fuck him off. He is a user.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 20:02

No, I don't believe him when he tells me that is what men do. Or at least I don't want to believe him. But my past experience tells me that he is right unfortunately.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/10/2015 20:14

"my past experience tells that me he is right"
But you haven't slept with all the men in the world, have you? All your experience tells you is that those men (in your past relationships) do it. Not all men.

"I don't want to be over sensitive because of things that have happened with my ex because that isn't fair. "
Actually, you know what? I think it's ok to be "over sensitive". I think that based on your past experience, you need to learn to trust your instincts and feelings. Even, and especially, when they trigger past trauma and hurt. Any decent man would respect that and wouldn't accuse you of being "over sensitive". (I suspect you weren't being over sensitive at all, you were probably having a totally normal and understandable reaction.)

FloraFurball · 20/10/2015 20:20

Me and DP have been together 30 years. Our sex life was pretty good until I started the menopause about 18 months ago. I have zero libido. Nothing at all. The only thing I want to do in bed is sleep. Has he begged me, stamped his feet, cried or sulked when I've said 'sorry not in the mood?' No, not once. And as much as I feel that I might be short changing him in our relationship he is adamant that he is there for me. And he is. I thought I had a normal bloke but I realise now I have a fecking gem!

Kacie123 · 20/10/2015 20:28

What was your childhood like OP? Was your dad this kind of guy to your mum do you think?

Gabilan · 20/10/2015 20:29

Likewise I don't like being told I'm over sensitive. It's policing my reactions and belittling my feelings

LilaTheTiger · 20/10/2015 20:31

he tells me that is what men do

Do you do what the woman next door does? Or (pick a random woman) her? Or (pick another one) her?

Probably not, in fact almost certainly not, because we are all individuals, with personal responsibility for how we behave.

This proves what that man 'tells you' is mostly bollocks, so should be treated as such with no second thoughts Smile

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 20:31

FloraFurball he sounds like a gem to me!

AnotherEmma What makes it harder ending this relationship is that he seemed to be so good about it when I told him what my husband did. He calls him an 'animal' and was always amazing when I was triggered and got upset. So to start with I thought that he couldn't possibly be pressurising me in any way. He thinks he is no where in the same ball park as my ex. But surely coercion is on the same continuum as rape?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/10/2015 20:36

"But surely coercion is on the same continuum as rape?"

Exactly. You've hit the nail on the head.

He may have called your ex an "animal" but I think it takes a special kind of monster to convince a woman who's already been abused that you're different but to then go on to abuse her yourself.

They're all very skilled at pretending they're great guys and saying all the right things.

LilaTheTiger · 20/10/2015 20:37

coercion is on the same continuum as rape?

Yes. Yes it is.