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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I'm wrong to assume all men coerce and pressure women into sex, or worse

226 replies

snowflake02 · 19/10/2015 21:06

Just that really. What happens in a healthy relationship if you aren't in the mood? Is that really the end of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 20:43

Is there a point at which coercion becomes rape? Asking mainly because with my ex it started with coercion/emotional blackmail and I'm still not sure at what point it became something else.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/10/2015 20:47

I don't think it really matters. The point is that it's wrong to begin with. Also note that it started like that with your ex... So it could also escalate with your current partner.

Some people think "rape" means being forcibly raped by a stranger, and don't think other scenarios are "real" rape. The thing is you can tied up in knots about the definitions, but the bottom line is that sex without consent, or sex through coercion, is sexual abuse and it is wrong.

Flowers
FloraFurball · 20/10/2015 20:49

Oh Snowflake my love, he sounds hideous. You are allowed to choose to disagree and walk away. You don't owe him an explanation. Just say it's not working for you and you don't want to continue the relationship. Block him on social media and don't engage x

LilaTheTiger · 20/10/2015 21:12

"I'm not happy in this relationship, it's over"

Repeat until it works.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 21:18

It is over now. I feel quite pleased with myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 21:19

It is over now. I feel quite pleased with myself!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/10/2015 21:22

Hooray! Well done you Grin

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 21:24

Thank you! Feeling quite strong for actually standing up for myself, it's a good feeling! I told him exactly why I didn't want to be with him anymore.

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 20/10/2015 21:27

Well done! Smile how did he take it? Are you ok?

patterkiller · 20/10/2015 21:30

Well done snowflake. There are some good ones out there. But be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.

AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 21:42

Flowers Star

MrsHathaway · 20/10/2015 21:43

I was sent this link today - report of study into language of rape - and I think it would be a useful read. The article links to the full report.

Men were asked if they would rape if there would be no consequences; they were also asked if they would force a woman to have sex. There was a far higher "Yes" count for the latter even though it's only a question of semantics. I found it very interesting in the context of my past relationships and the men's expectations.

Congratulations on seeing through the mist and not settling for half a life, OP.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 20/10/2015 21:58

That is an interesting read, thank you. Very alarming but interesting all the same!

OP posts:
welshHairs · 20/10/2015 22:01

Well done snowflake! Smile

welshHairs · 20/10/2015 22:02

Well done snowflake! Smile

ThreeRuddyTubs · 20/10/2015 22:10

Well done op

FloraFurball · 20/10/2015 22:23

Well done OP x

Elendon · 20/10/2015 22:29

Excellent news! Smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 20/10/2015 23:01

I've just celebrated my 30 year anniversary.

I got married when I was 33.

Before that I had a lot of 'partners', ahem.

This is not a stealth boast, just hoping to reassure you that shit, coercive behaviour is not universal.

I've never had anyone try to push me to anything I didn't want to do.

I really got the impression that if I wasn't into it, that in itself was a turn off for them.

Well done sweetheart Flowers

You deserve a good one and you will find him.

Keep feeling pleased with yourself, you're a Star

LucyBabs · 20/10/2015 23:40

Delighted for you snowflake you'll feel so much better.
Sorry to repeat myself but work on yourself now. You are important, you are a good person, you deserve to be happy Smile

LilaTheTiger · 21/10/2015 06:35

Well done snowflake, glad you got to say what you needed too as well. You're amazing! Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2015 07:53

Really really well done op

Original poster
snowflake02 · 21/10/2015 07:55

Thank you everyone!

I still find it amazing to hear from people who have never been pushed or forced into doing something they don't want to do. It is reassuring to hear that there are men out there that don't behave like this. I hope to meet one one day!

I do though wonder, is it something about me that makes it happen? Is it something I do? Why do I seem to have such bad luck? Is it really a case of once something bad happens with one person, it keeps happening?

OP posts:
cailindana · 21/10/2015 08:15

Abusive men tend to start small and work up. If you've been abused before and not fully addressed it then it's likely you'll let the 'small' things go whereas a person who hasn't been abused will be put off (without necessarily knowing why - they might just feel the relationship isn't 'right'). It's a matter of examining your boundaries and trying to reset them as best you can so that you will start to question potentially abusive behaviour right from the beginning.

That said, my personal experience is that men are so socialised to get expect that they'll get what they want that they all push boundaries in some way and trying to manage their behaviour isn't worth it. I've been with DH for a long time and we've worked out boundaries with great difficulty (and he's learned how much his attitude meant he just trampled all over my wishes - never sexually, but in other ways) so it now works but if we ever weren't together I would not bother with another relationship. It really is too much hard work.

cailindana · 21/10/2015 08:17

Can I add here that DH is actually one of the best men I ever met - not abusive in any way. In spite of that, he still ignored my wishes and it has taken him a long long time to work as a team and actually genuinely listen to what I want. I could not go through that life-sucking process with another man.