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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What went wrong - why isn't he speaking to me?!

179 replies

haz1602 · 13/08/2015 08:29

Been friends with this guy for nearly 4 years. We are very close. We have recently started seeing each other and were about to go official. I was meant to see him last night and he said yesterday morning that it will be good etc.

Anyway, that was the last text he sent. We usually text all day. He ignored my reply. He ignored several snapchats (we send silly ones back and forth) and then he sent me one of his nephew later on. I replied asking if I will be seeing him, he opened it and never replied. I txted him twice asking if everything was okay and he never replied. He has read them.

I don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind and feel worried sick. I don't know whether to try contact him again or what or to just leave it be. I am at work and feel like crying :( He has been online all morning, so he is clearly just ignoring me. Like I said, we have been friends for many years and we talk every single day.

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 13/08/2015 08:34

Maybe something personal has happened? don't send anymore messages though in case he does give you the boot x

BrianButterfield · 13/08/2015 08:34

Hmm. I would be thinking he's got cold feet to be honest.

The best thing you can do now if ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't message him or call him, don't check if he's been online. He knows where you are, he knows you were meant to meet last night but didn't, if he wants you he will come to you. Don't beg or chase as if he's playing games that's what he wants. If he's not playing g games and there's a good reason he'll contact you.

lavenderhoney · 13/08/2015 08:37

I would just ignore him now.

He knows what he is doing and it's not nice. Don't sleep with him for ages either, if he does come back.

Plans for weekend? Turn your phone off and head out. Anywhere.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 08:38

I just don't understand :( We are so close in the sense we have probably spoke every day for 4 years, give or take! If anything happened then surely he would tell me? I know it's petty of me, but his snapchat score (i sound like a teenager!) has been going up so I know he is on it and just avoiding me. It's making me feel sick not knowing what's going on. I was so happy and now I feel like crying.

OP posts:
FunnyNameHere · 13/08/2015 08:45

How did you go from friends to dating? Was it his idea, or yours?

What were you meant to be doing last night? Proper date or just sleepover at one of your houses?

Whose idea was it for you to make your relationship "official"? If it all feels like a joint decision, think back - who brought up the idea of going official first? who seemed more into it?

There could be a good reason for his not replying, so don't get upset YET. Now is the time to pretend act cool as a cucumber, and wait and see what he does next. But I really wouldn't contact him again, you've sent at least 4 messages from what I can work out. That's plenty!

No crying, no looking ahead and predicting the future. Just stay calm, build yourself up with positive actions (get your nails done professionally, read an uplifting book, join a gym, buy something for a hobby, clean your house) and wait.

The ball is in his court. You don't need "closure" or anything, just watch and wait.

sanityforlunch · 13/08/2015 08:46

It's his way of saying, go away. But he is too cowardly to end it.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 08:51

It was his idea. He has been the one pushing it and telling me it's all going to be okay. I just don't understand. I thought if he had cold feet then why snapchat me a photo and a silly video of his baby nephew last night?

I was just meant to go to his mums and see him there for the night.

I stupidly sent a snap this morning at 7am, just a silly one acting normal and once again he has viewed it and not replied. It's absolutely killing me and I'm scared that it's finished and he won't speak to me again.

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/08/2015 08:54

I think he's bottled it. Sorry.

Don't text him, see what he does or doesn't do next.

maureendaly · 13/08/2015 09:08

He's behaving like a complete shit if he has in fact got cold feet. Who treats a friend of 4 years that way?
Please don't send him any more messages whether snap chat, text or try to call.

Diagonally · 13/08/2015 09:09

He's bottled it. See my post on the thread about why hasn't he texted me. Nothing to do with you and all about him.

Friendships turning into relationships are tricky ones. Friendships don't feel like commitment, you feel like you are only ever doing it because you want to Smile

A relationship on the other hand...commitment, obligation, expectations, all suddenly come into it.

What's his past relationship history like? Presume you know if you've been friends for that long?

sanityforlunch · 13/08/2015 09:11

What does 'going official' mean?

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 09:11

I don't understand at all. He is online again now - I need to stop looking. I am going to put my phone in my bag and ignore it for the day but I can't help feeling upset and worrying. I am so scared to lose him from my life. We were about to go official - we had already told each other we loved each other. It was just a matter of going from seeing each other as friends to becoming a couple which was happening now! I am so upset.

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 13/08/2015 09:12

how old are you OP? snapchats? i love you before becoming official? This may sound harsh but you dont sound a day over 16

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 09:12

He had a long term relationship previously and it was him who ended it with her. He was single for a while and that's when we took things further.

Going official - becoming boyfriend/girlfriend to everybody else.

I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 09:13

We are both mid 20's. Plenty of people our age use Snapchat? lol. We admitted we had feelings and both said we loved each other recently, hence why we were about to become a couple now.

OP posts:
MairzyDoats · 13/08/2015 09:14

He's being an arse. Why can't you just call him and ask him wtf he thinks he's playing at? Don't be a victim and don't play games.

VerityWaves · 13/08/2015 09:17

You sound very Young.

In any event he is behaving really badly. It's hard but I wouldn't speak to him again after this. He obviously doesn't respect you or care for your feelings. He must know how shitty it would make you feel but he's still ignoring you.

YUDOTHIS · 13/08/2015 09:19

I'm younger than you both (20) maybe I've just aged too quickly! this "relationship" sounds like it went far too fast far too soon anyway.

shovetheholly · 13/08/2015 09:21

I would send him a message simply saying 'Hey - haven't heard from you for a while, are you OK?'

If he doesn't respond, don't send anything else.

SecondMrsAshwell · 13/08/2015 09:39

Well, I had a similar thing with a guy I’m very close to. Several e-mails a day, general silliness and so on. Then suddenly it stopped. I e-mailed him to ask if a project he was planning was going to go ahead, cos it would have affected something I was doing (and a couple of other things other people were doing too). Nothing. Got a silly e-mail (dog pikkie type thing), but not the info I needed. So I e-mailed again. Texted. We REALLY needed to know. Nothing. So I sent him a telling off e-mail, saying I didn’t mind no chit-chat/silliness, but to just ignore my e-mails about the project was really annoying and I just wanted a yes or no.

Turned out he was having an utterly major personal crisis. And it was bad when he finally told me. The dog pikkie was just the first thing to hand that he could send to keep me happy while he had a meltdown. But, as I pointed out, all he had to do is say was that he was having a problem and I’d cover his back for him with everyone else.

Not saying that’s what’s happened here. I agree with everyone else, difficult as it is, you have to ignore him and do something nice for yourself. If it turns out that there was a valid reason for his behaviour (can’t think what it would be, but…..), then you’ve behaved better than him. If he is just being a cold-footed twat, then you haven’t given him the satisfaction of rising to it.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 09:48

Thanks guys. My snap last night said I was worried, he has texted saying "worried about what?" and I replied saying I haven't heard anything from him and alas - he has been online since and hasn't replied. I will leave him be now if he doesn't understand why I am worried. If he doesn't reply I will be so upset but there's nothing more I can do without nagging. I know he is away with friends tomorrow night so I don't want to speak to him then.

OP posts:
prorsum · 13/08/2015 09:51

It's an unpleasant situation for you OP and I do empathize. It's very hard when a person goes cold. I would not give him another opportunity to repeat this behavior, however I'm considerably older than you and look at these situations differently from my younger days.

pictish · 13/08/2015 09:56

I dunno...maybe he's a bit like me and feels harassed by lots of texts/messages/attempts at contact. 7am? I hope you're certain he was awake at that time. I'd not thank anyone for a text at 7am unless I was at work already.
I don't always respond to non urgent texts quickly, if at all. I find chatty texts a pain unless it's someone I haven't heard from or seen in ages saying hi. Might be he's just a bad texter like me.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 09:59

He's not a bad texter - we text everyday from waking up until we sleep! That's why it is so out of character. He starts work early and often txts me at that time too so it's nothing out of the ordinary. He still hasn't replied. It's got me going out of my mind to think that's it and it's all over.

I hope to God I am overreacting and there's a reason for it, but I usually have a good gut instinct :(

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 13/08/2015 10:04

Don't get in touch.

This is he's immature way of dumping you.