What went wrong - why isn't he speaking to me?!

[haz1602]

Been friends with this guy for nearly 4 years. We are very close. We have recently started seeing each other and were about to go official. I was meant to see him last night and he said yesterday morning that it will be good etc.

Anyway, that was the last text he sent. We usually text all day. He ignored my reply. He ignored several snapchats (we send silly ones back and forth) and then he sent me one of his nephew later on. I replied asking if I will be seeing him, he opened it and never replied. I txted him twice asking if everything was okay and he never replied. He has read them.

I don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind and feel worried sick. I don't know whether to try contact him again or what or to just leave it be. I am at work and feel like crying :( He has been online all morning, so he is clearly just ignoring me. Like I said, we have been friends for many years and we talk every single day.

Have just read all of this. Summary (if I've got it right):

You were supposed to see him Wed. night to 'come out' as a couple.
Wed morning he texts saying it's all on.
Then you hear nothing more.
You ask about arrangments.
No answer.
You tell him you are worried.
He says you are stressing him out, stop it and sends you a sop to shut you up (video of nephew)
You hear nothing more.
Your texts are ignored although he is online.
He then, after giving you a bit of time to soak up that he's just not that into a relationship, starts the texting of rubbish- so he now has you at a distance and is in control.

It's up to you what you do but absolutely nothing this man could say or do would tempt me back into any kind of contact with him. He has told you who he is by his actions. Let him get on with it. Much nicer people are out there. You are at risk of makng a fool of yourself with him by being over- invested. Block him on your phone and don't look back. You don't need to hear and explanation- it won't be good enough. You deserve better.

Real life relationships are not measured in texts.

brokenhearted55a it wasn't even a day or two it was literally hours, like overnight.

If anyone reading lulu's summary of OP's experience still thinks the guy should be excused his shoddy behaviour then frankly they must have a very different opinion than I (and many others on this thread) of decency, common courtesy and respect.

Stop apologizing for this bloke!

Hey

I think he knows he was in the wrong these past days. He said he knows how much I care about him and he sent a lot of silly videos and texts last night which I think are him trying to make up for being an arse..

I haven't spoke to him today and considering the time it's quite unusual! I know people may think the texting is all a bit too much but it's just what we are used to and have always done it.

My head feels a bit messed now. Re his nephew..he just sends me photos of him a lot because he is close to him. He sees his almost every day and he is very close to his sister (and knows im going to find it cute lol)

I think I need to see how he is with me over the weekend and what he does. I don't know when I'll see him as I have a fairly busy weekend but I'll make it clear that I wasn't happy when I see him face to face as I think it's a lot easier to express feelings one on one when you're together. Meh.

Oh Haz.

You are trying to convince yourself of something that probably isn't there. Please don't assume that because he has sent a few extra videos that he knows he's been an arse. The likelihood is that he really doesn't care and now feels he has you in the palm of his hand.

I feel sad to see you still waiting around to see what he does before you consider any final decisions about where this is going. Stop waiting for him to call the shots. Stop waiting to see how he feels.
Confront him, tell him that he has been an arse and that you won't stand for it. Take back your self control and have a little dignity.

Good luck.

I think you need to state frankly that you were confused and hurt at the sudden change in behaviour, and that you perceived it as being ignored (he will deny ignoring you btw). You need to tell him that it is not behaviour that you are prepared to tolerate in future. That way if he does it again, you'll know that your feelings don't matter enough for him to remember.

I'm assuming that you're going to give him another chance, because you sound that way inclined (and also when you're together it'll be easy for physical closeness to cloud the rational part of your mind and make you more ready to forgive).

Just safeguard yourself for the future by telling him clearly that you were upset. Don't pretend you weren't because you want it all to blow over.

Good luck.

I will definitely tell him that I was upset. It literally is the first time he has done this and it is so out of character, so I want to give him another chance at least but don't get me wrong - he will know I was upset about it.

If it happened again I wouldn't stand for it. I don't deserve to be ignored when I haven't done naything wrong and all i was doing was showing I cared - which he said "i know you care i really do".

If it happened again I wouldn't stand for it.

Yes you will.

i think it says a lot saying "He said he knows how much I care about him"
... why hasn't he said how much he cares for you
im sorry OP but i think your wasting your time here

Sounds like you need to distance yourself. He's dangling you in a string.
This happened to me years ago, I eventually backed off (and had a bloody good cry!) and saw him for what he was; just happy to be chased by someone.

Hes not that into you. Sorry.

Someone spelled it out on the first page.

He was more interested in chasing you than having you.

Say to yourself once every ten minutes. Every five minutes if you feel yourself doubting it.

I feel so sorry for you. You really aren't listening to anything anyone is saying. You are going to get hurt.

I have been there and it is horrible, and I really wish someone would have told me before that I was making a fool of myself.

He is just not that interested.

It literally is the first time he has done this

And it happened just before the two of you were going to go public about being a couple. Not good, sorry OP.

I'm another who has been in a similar position op. Met this guy, he seemed to really like me. Kept on asking me if I wanted something long term with him, how much he liked me, constant texts etc. And then once he was assured of my feelings towards him, communication be e sporadic and it was like he'd changed over night. I went through all manner of thoughts - mostly blaming myself for his nhs opus thinking I'd done or said something to put him off.

In the end, I put my cards on the table and asked him outright what was going on because I felt he'd changed towards me and what that was fine, I just wanted to know where I stood either way. He said he needed a week to think about it so I got back out there and started dating again. He wasn't pleased and basically ended it. I then met a really great guy whom I'm still with a year later, who has never played head fuck games, makes his feelings towards me known at all times and makes a huge amount of effort to see me and keep in contact. Head fuck guy periodically pops up to test the waters but I'm not interested.

Being with a decent guy has put into perspective headfuck guy's behaviour. In hindsight, I can see it was all about the chase for him. Once he felt like he had me in the palm of his hand, he backed right off and was unsure he actually wanted me after all. I was upset at the time and confused but I think he overestimated how much I liked him and would put up with.

I wouldn't ever put up with mind games ever again. Op, I suspect he's enjoyed the chase but now he knows he can have you, it's not fun for him anymore. Hence the change in behaviour. Don't stand for it. You deserve so much better and there will be plenty of guys who would be willing to put in the effort that you deserve and is required for a decent relationship.

Apologies for the typos. Forgot to add that we'd been dating for about three months but everything changed when it came to becoming official. I was insulted that he needed a week to think about things because until then, it was him pushing for a relationship. So when I started dating again, I'd done nothing wrong because he wouldn't commit to becoming exclusive. I think it's really telling that this guy has also been the one pushing for a relationship with you op.

PLEASE get a copy of "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" He is being an arse and making sure that he is in control by coming and going as he pleases and making you chase him. You get insecure because he has gone from full on to absent and then are so grateful he comes back so he has you exactly where he wants you.

And ignore all the people saying "but it was only a couple of days"- that is all part of the game (when they text incessantly and then disappear) If you normally text a couple of times a day then a day without is no big deal, if you text 20 times a day it is fairly obvious there is a significant change!

Get out while you can- the longer you stay, the worse your self esteem will get and the less effort he will put in to keep you there...

Forget about him OP.

Baggage Reclaim is such a useful resource for when you find yourself stuck in situations like this. This is exactly what you are describing OP:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-theres-no-point-being-with-somebody-who-blows-hot-cold/

Broken I don't necessarily think people behave like this deliberately, no.

Manipulative people who know they are not interested in commitment, but realise that if they say so, they risk a high rejection rate, might have worked out that as a strategy it works well for them.

On the other hand, being emotionally unavailable can create these kind of behaviours because when things look they might be getting serious or you've got a bit carried away and over-promised in the heat of the moment, and you don't really want the commitment that you've said you do, it's a sub-concious strategy to get things back to a level you feel comfortable with, without losing the other person entirely.

Either way it's still controlling behaviour.

I'm coming out of something similar at the moment.

Met this guy over a year ago; hooked up/went on a few dates; then he had to leave the country (we were both working abroad). I accepted that was probably it, but he initiated contact, which got more and more intense. Skyped, sent each other intimate photos, made lots of proclamations about seeing each other again.

Finally both got back to the UK a few months ago. Went on a date which seemed to go fantastically well. He came back to mine afterwards. Sent me a few messages the following days about how much he liked me and that he would definitely see me again when I got back from travelling.

Never heard from him again. Ignored all attempts by me to get in touch and for him to explain himself. I was devastated.

Now I have a bit of distance from the situation I can see that, actually, the signs were there early. He hooked me in and I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing. I kept him amused while he was in a place where he couldn't meet other women, but where he wouldn't actually have to realise any of his promises. When he got back to the UK I became surplus to requirement/the situation became a bit too real for him.

I was/am so angry which I sometimes (in my head) level at him. But actually I'm really just angry at myself for allowing this to happen. He was never the prize and I don't know why I ever let him believe he was. I still get waves of wanting to contact him and ask him to show me a bit of fucking respect, but I know that isn't going to happen. He is a coward.

Keep your options open OP. I'm sure you'll want to see him again because that is an unfortunate weakness in our human nature (why?! I am so confident and intolerant of nonsense in every other context), but if he does turn out to be a total head fuck, at least you'll be able to extract yourself from the situation a little more easily. Best of luck. It's shit now but it gets better (of course).

Get counselling OP. Find out why being so grateful to be fed crumbs is acceptable to you. .

Also, what you have to remember and find solace in, is that people like your guy and thehumanstain's bloke, can't be very happy in themselves or they wouldn't have to behave in such a way just to feel a tiny bit of power in their powerless lives.

Keep your dignity and your morals true to yourself - you'll be able to look in a mirror another day and be proud of who you see. He will be ashamed to look too deeply into his own behaviour.