What went wrong - why isn't he speaking to me?!

[haz1602]

Been friends with this guy for nearly 4 years. We are very close. We have recently started seeing each other and were about to go official. I was meant to see him last night and he said yesterday morning that it will be good etc.

Anyway, that was the last text he sent. We usually text all day. He ignored my reply. He ignored several snapchats (we send silly ones back and forth) and then he sent me one of his nephew later on. I replied asking if I will be seeing him, he opened it and never replied. I txted him twice asking if everything was okay and he never replied. He has read them.

I don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind and feel worried sick. I don't know whether to try contact him again or what or to just leave it be. I am at work and feel like crying :( He has been online all morning, so he is clearly just ignoring me. Like I said, we have been friends for many years and we talk every single day.

I could block him on Whatsapp but then he wouldn't be able to contact me

See, I don't get this. I don't know if it's typical of younger people but it makes no sense to me.
You say you've been friends for 4 years and you've exchanged ILYs and yet he has no other way to contact you? Does he not have your email, or know where you live? What about mutual friends?

Meh, suddenly after weeks of non-stop texting he's decided to er stop.

But he still loves her really.

He knows where I live but he wouldn't just turn up. I was supposed to go see him yes, but obviously I cannot just turn up when he has ignored me and not replied!

My heart feels like it has sunk.

I think you may need to recognise he doesn't want a relationship with you, and has cold feet. It's a shame that this presumably also ends your friendship, but this was almost certainly something you thought about seriously before embarking on a sexual relationship with a close friend?

You do sound very young, OP - sure all that 'he can only get me on Whatsapp' stuff is generational, but 'going official' sounds like the kind of thing fifteen year olds say, not adults. And the cyberstalking stuff is just silly, and is clearly driving you to the edge of madness.

Why not, erm, pick up the phone and, you know, have a conversation with him to ask him what the jeff is going on.

Aww OP

He won't answer the phone if he won't even reply to a text will he. I feel so sad. He is the one person out of all my friends, including girlfriends etc, that I would go to first with any news of any sort. To think that he can just leave me like this has left me devastated.

What does it matter if she was going over his mum's or they had a date at the Ritz?

It was their first official meet up as gf/bf.

Its still standing up in my book.

at the point where you were supposed to be seeing him and weren't sure what was going on why didn't you just PHONE him? that's what i can't understand.

what kind of comfort level is there between people if they feel incapable of phoning rather than coy messages through apps?

We don't really ring. I don't really speak on the phone to anybody tbh - I think most of the people I know just text. I can't remember the last time i had a phone call with my best friend.

I suppose, looking at this in the most charitable possible light, it's technically possible that, at a time of weirdly teeybopperish transition between platonic friends and boyfriend/girlfriend, that he's lost track of the norms a bit. Presumably dropping in to his mother's house is something you did casually as his friend, so he's not seeing it as some kind of Official First Date, as you clearly are? And while he's always texted umpty thousand times a day with you as a friend, that's not the way he has ever behaved with girlfriends, so he's all over the place?

Not excusing him at all, but you also sound confused about your mutual roles now. He was the person you always ran to with your news, good and bad, so what do you do now when he's the one causing your bad news? Is it possible he's equally confused, and wants to talk to someone about his changing relationship with you, only you would have always been the one he confided in, and now he can't?

'going official' sounds like the kind of thing fifteen year olds say, not adults.

I don't know - I might not say it now (aged 33) but I'd think it, if I had been developing a romantic relationship with one of my friends and was gearing up to us appearing in public as a couple. The phrase 'going official' sounds right in that context I think, and I'd be a bit nervous of all the attention it would generate from friends too (just like the op sounds).

Maybe the nervousness has got to him op, but it is shitty of him not to tell you this and downright cruel of him to ignore you outright. You may have had a lucky escape here, believe it or not - there are many men who are ok as friends but whom you would NOT want to date.

for you

So sorry OP, I think you sort of know that he's changed his mind about going official.

If he contacts you again, please be careful, he is not a kind person to treat you this way. He has no care for your feelings.

Well, you know he's not ill, had his phone stolen/broken or is having a crisis because he did reply to you.

He will contact you, don't worry. And he will tell you all about how he was freaked out going official and maybe you should just keep it casual and a secret etc.

And you'll be so happy to have him back, you'll agree to anything he suggests, and will walk on eggshells doubting yourself with every snap and text, agonising if you are coming across too needy and will drive him away.

Meanwhile, he'll be fucking other women, and have you on call whenever he gets bored.

Yeah, it's not an original script, this behaviour of his!

sorry OP, I really think he has just lost interest/chickened out but is too much of a coward to tell you. for you, this has happened to me before and it's horrible.

Op I empathise that you are hurting, but why do you want to be with someone so disrespectful?

Even if he contacts you now, he has shown you who he is, he really isn't a catch.

It's called ghosting its a thing .. :(

Awwww, he's a stinker. Have a good cry, let it all out. Doesn't do any harm or make you pathetic in any way. You were excited about something that was all butterflies and loveliness, and now it's gone wrong - of COURSE you're disappointed.

Give yourself a minute, then get back on to things. Be resolute to ignore him, and to get on with being happy for you. Plenty more fish in the sea (yes, I know you wanted that particular one but believe me when I say you deserve better than someone who can just switch off like that and that this will probably be a Good Thing in the long run, even though it hurts right now).

He knows I'm worried and he knows I will be upset. He's never done this before so it's totally thrown me.

haz I shouldn't worry too much about him having done it "deliberately".

It really does sound like cold feet and ok he's handling it in the most immature and insensitive way possible but otoh if he's a sensitive & caring person usually, he's probably a bit ashamed of himself already. If he's a bit more of an impulsive person and less thoughtful of others then he might be doing the "la la la I'm not listening thing".

Have a think about though, either way, do you want a relationship with someone who is this immature?

I will keep people updated :(

Op, have a now. I think that he is being mean. Hugs x