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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What went wrong - why isn't he speaking to me?!

179 replies

haz1602 · 13/08/2015 08:29

Been friends with this guy for nearly 4 years. We are very close. We have recently started seeing each other and were about to go official. I was meant to see him last night and he said yesterday morning that it will be good etc.

Anyway, that was the last text he sent. We usually text all day. He ignored my reply. He ignored several snapchats (we send silly ones back and forth) and then he sent me one of his nephew later on. I replied asking if I will be seeing him, he opened it and never replied. I txted him twice asking if everything was okay and he never replied. He has read them.

I don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind and feel worried sick. I don't know whether to try contact him again or what or to just leave it be. I am at work and feel like crying :( He has been online all morning, so he is clearly just ignoring me. Like I said, we have been friends for many years and we talk every single day.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 13/08/2015 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyPlumpington · 13/08/2015 14:17

Oh just pick up the phone and telephone him FFS

NOOOOOOO DON'T DO THAT

Just ignore, op - try to think about other things. That way you maintain a bit of dignity. Anyway, a phonecall would probably end with you breaking down in tears at this point and that would be worse. Trust me, you'd cringe in the future if you did that.

Walkacrossthesand · 13/08/2015 14:17

If nothing else, Haz, learn from this & be less available to him if and when he does make contact again. A text/whatsapp comes through - look at it - don't reply straight away. Carry on with what you are doing, mull over how long it's been, what he's said, what you want to do next - then reply. Put a little distance in there.
And next time a new relationship might be starting, can I suggest consciously suppressing excitement - it doesn't make it go away or kill it, but it's hugely protective against getting yourself into the kind of state you're in now.

flanjabelle · 13/08/2015 14:27

Poor you op. This must really hurt as you are losing both a friend and a boyfriend :( sorry for your pain. :(

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 14:28

And if he doesn't text? Would i be silly to ask him wtf is going on over the weekend?

Like I said, he is a friend too. I am gutted! I don't understand what's going on though - sending me snaps/videos of his nephew (surely he wouldn't bother doing that if he wanted nothing more with me) but then asking what im worried about when I've clearly expressed my worries and asked if he is okay.

I want to wait over the weekend and simply ask why he has chose to ignore me. He has been online practically all day - he has a busy manual job so i dont know how he has got the time to do so and who he is talking to but its something engrossing obviously.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 13/08/2015 14:30

You don't need to ask him what is going on....you know what is going on. He has got cold feet and wants out but is too cowardly to tell you.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 14:32

But after being such good friends for so long surely I deserve a reason why? :'(

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 13/08/2015 14:34

One thing is for certain - he's not spending all day thinking about you, so return the favour and wrench your thoughts over to something else, hmm?

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 14:42

Walkacrossthesand - true :(

OP posts:
seliz84 · 13/08/2015 14:44

Men don't think like us. They don't analyse situations or read into things. He might just be busy and wanting to enjoy sometime with friends.. Maybe he has changed his mind, but even if that is the case bombarding him with texts etc won't make him change his mind. He knows where you are.. Let him come to you and give him some space to let him miss you.

Get yourself out with your girlfriends and leave your phone at home, or at least turn it off.

LadyPlumpington · 13/08/2015 14:48

Yeah, he's not going to put himself in a position where he would have to feel guilty though, is he op. He isn't sitting there thinking that you deserve an explanation, he's doing his best to ignore the situation. The more you message him, the more annoyed he'll get at how you're not getting the hint. If you challenge him directly he's hardly going to say he chickened out, so it'll be all angry bluster at some imagined misdemeanour of yours. You haven't done anything wrong other than to take him seriously. It now turns out that was a bad move, which sucks for you.

Honestly, the best thing that you can do is to leave your phone at home and go shopping.

maybebabybee · 13/08/2015 15:00

Of course you deserve a reason but that doesn't mean he'll give you one, sadly. Sorry, I know it's shit.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 15:05

Tosser :(

OP posts:
GoogleBoggle · 13/08/2015 15:12

Sounds like there may be someone else in the picture - sorry OP. He's online all day but not talking to you, and he's blanking you but not ending it with you so he can keep his options open for now.

I think you need to call him and be a grownup. All this texting and 'snapping' is stupid and leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation.

Bobkitten · 13/08/2015 15:43

A guy did this to me when I was 19. We were seeing each other - he showered me with praise, bought me things, texted all the time, etc, etc. It was looking like we were about to become official, which meant us both stopping seeing/dating other people. He suddenly stopped texting. After I'd sent a couple of querying texts with no response, and one with a very brief non-committal answer, I realised what was up. I felt particularly low two weeks later when I had no texts or calls at Christmas or New Year either. Radio silence.

I ended up with depression (not his doing, I must emphasise - it was a combination of many things) and five weeks later, the cheeky shite rang me out of the blue asking how I'd been (not that he cared) and wondering if I was around to meet him at the gym (no doubt because he fancied a post workout shag but couldn't be arsed to go somewhere nice).

Although surprised, I was pretty offhand - said I couldn't and ended the call, saying that I would call him some time. I never did.

Twelve years later, thinking of this still gives me immense satisfaction Grin

You should do the same. He's playing games but will never admit to doing so. Sorry Flowers I know it hurts right now but he is unlikely to change. You're only 25 and have buckets of time to find somebody much nicer.

Original poster
haz1602 · 13/08/2015 15:48

I am just so upset and hurt that after all this time as friends, he can do this to me. I am heartbroken and do not know what have I done to deserve this from him.

I would love an innocent explanation but after two days of almost silence then I expect that isn't going to happen.

I feel so silly.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 13/08/2015 15:53

You're not silly.

Being hopeful, optimistic, loving and caring to someone is only a waste if you don't stop when they don't deserve it. Smile

You've stopped. He didn't deserve it. Now save your hope and optimism for another day and focus on your good qualities which aren't in any way 'silly'.

maybebabybee · 13/08/2015 15:57

Bless you, you're not silly. So many people have been there, including me. A couple of years ago I fell head over heels for a guy at work I was seeing. He was lovely, made it seem like he was really into me and then all of a sudden stopped texting/calling etc. I made a total silly fool of myself, knew what the message was but couldn't bring myself to accept it.

Feel ridiculous about it now but it was a hard lesson well learned. He's not worth your time Flowers

LadyPlumpington · 13/08/2015 16:03

You haven't done anything to deserve this - you must try not to assume that you are in some way to blame if a person treats you badly.

He is acting like an immature twat. Now you know what they look like and you will be more able to recognise (and avoid) them in future Wink

BitOutOfPractice · 13/08/2015 16:20

Oh op I've just read this. What s total head fuck.

You do need to ring him though. Tonight if not today. You will go insane otherwise

LadyVape · 13/08/2015 16:26

I'm sorry you are upset. I don't think it matters what age someone is, a bit of common decency is all it takes.

Ignoring someone is rude and cruel. Perhaps there is good reason for it however.

OP, I agree with disengaging. I know it's hard when you were so excited but you need to try focus on yourself. If he gets in touch and can explain being so rude then fair enough.

Just don't appear needy, emotional abusers target.

BifsWif · 13/08/2015 16:28

Just ring him. You're both adults - are you really going to mope about all weekend waiting until Sunday so you can text and ask what's going on?

You don't need to play games. You had plans, he bailed, he's been silent for two days - yes you can probably guess what's going on, (and he's no doubt hoping you go away quietly and don't make a fuss), but if you want a definite answer, pick up the phone and call him.

GreenTee · 13/08/2015 16:37

Oh OP! I could have wrote this a few years back. I am mid twenties and use snapchat BTW! Wink

I completely sympathise with you. I know exactly how you will be feeling and how time consuming the worrying must be. Like I said, I have experience this, almost identically before.

It isn't easy to hear, 'stop checking to see if he's online.' etc. You know it's what you need to do, but doing it feels almost impossible doesn't it?
I would be worried too. I hope there is a perfectly good explanation but there's still no excuse for leaving you to worry and let your imagination run wild in the process. In the unlikely chance that your relationship remains in tact after (if) you have spoken, then I would tell him how this could never happen again.

I personally think he has cold feet or something has happened in the time he has been away working. Please prepare yourself for that OP! This may result in heartbreak and it may take you a while to recover, but I promise that you will. Keep friends and family around you.

I hope this all works out for the best OP, I really do.

Walkacrossthesand · 13/08/2015 16:44

I really wouldn't ring him. I wouldn't plan ever to txt him & ask 'what's going on'. Modern technology allows you to see that he's alive & messaging, but not to you. Put aside the 'I deserve an explanation' thing - it's not helpful and as PPs have said, he's not going to give you one.
Draw yourself up to your full height, reassign him from 'old friend I knew well' to 'friend who turned out to be a plonker' and move on.

MysteryMan1 · 13/08/2015 18:26

I'm afraid he is not that interested IMO. Sorry. Best you can do is forget it TBH.