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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2015 09:17

Moving into the spare room sounds like a good idea the way things are at the moment. However, there's ways of doing it ("I'm sorry dear, we are keeping each other awake and I really need sleep to function at work, it's nothing personal but I'm afraid I'll have to go into the other room") and just being nasty.

I'm just wondering whether it's lack of sleep that's making your DP grumpy or whether he thinks now he's got you under his roof, pregnant, he can stop pretending to be nice...

Ineedacleaningfairy · 27/05/2015 09:21

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug, it sounds like you have got lots of different things going on, the last stage of pregnancy and moving in together are both challenging times.

Me and my dp didn't sleep in the same room when I was big and pregnant, I just couldn't sleep if he was making any sound at all so he slept on the sofa, I think it's quite common to have that set up, I slept so badly whilst pregnant, I actually slept better once my baby was born despite waking up through the night to do feeds, at least I slept well between feeds!

I think your dp maybe is underestimating the physical effects of late pregnancy, maybe get him a book or get him to read some blogs about late pregnancy so he realises it's normal to need space, calm and quiet to sleep. He really sounds like he has been quite mean in this situation but hopefully it's a one off.

mariposa10 · 27/05/2015 09:21

I would think once the baby is born separate bedrooms is going to be an absolute must if you're to get through this with your sanity intact. I'm afraid any sort of normal sleep will be a distant memory once you have a newborn.

Ineedacleaningfairy · 27/05/2015 09:22

The other thing is does the twitching last all night? My dp and my toddler do a strange twitching thing whilst they fall asleep and for maybe 10/15 minutes after they are asleep but then they are still.

Claralikessage · 27/05/2015 09:23

Why does he shuffle and wriggle so much? it sound like he may have some nervous condition (or may simply need to cut down his caffine intake).

fearandloathinginambridge · 27/05/2015 09:23

Trying to sleep at 31 weeks pregnant is not an easy feat. I remember being propped up by pillows in all sorts weird and wonderful positions. I did end up moving into the spare room as it was better for me. It was my choice and there were no rows about it and so I think your partner's response is really unpleasant and not at all understanding.

I really hope what Annie says in her last paragraph is not the case but it is a real concern I think.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:25

Agreed that separate bedrooms is no doubt best right now, I am more concerned by the way he has gone about it and left me crying the last two mornings. He was so nasty and cold. He has form for this but really persuaded me this is what he wanted (to be a family) and I believed him. The amount of energy it has taken me to move in and I just want to walk out the door and not come back. I still have keys to my rental place for another week and I feel like grabbing duvet and pillows and going back there to sleep on the floor for the night. I couldn't go to family and friends as I couldn't bear the 'told you so' looks [sob]

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/05/2015 09:27

You could also try not going to bed at the same time. I always go to bed before DH because boy does he snore, but if I am properly asleep by the time he comes to bed, it doesn't bother me as much

I would also like to add that earplugs have saved my marriage!

Hope you get it sorted out OP Flowers

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:27

He always twitches but last night was dreadful, I think it is due to high pressure job, too much caffeine and is always worse when he goes to the gym as he goes mad on weights and then gets aches and pains. He went to gym yesterday

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 09:27

Hmm - he doesn't sound very nice. Could you continue the lease on your rental place? I would say his attitude and behaviour is a red flag and I would proceed with huge caution. This is a time when you need nurturing and he is treating you like dirt.

Why 'told you so'? Do your family not like him?

Micah · 27/05/2015 09:28

Problem is, he can't help moving in his sleep. Tbf, 10 minutes is a bit impatient on your part. I'd be pissed off too if I'd just dropped off and dp started huffing because he wasn't asleep 10 minutes later.

You might find that as he gets into his sleep cycle the fidgeting stops. I'd do one of two things- either go to bed a bit before him, if you're half asleep the fidgeting won't bother you so much. Or give it a bit longer and see if he settles. If he's keeping you awake after 30 mins/an hour move to the spare room.

It's only been 4 days. Give it time.

Nolim · 27/05/2015 09:29

I'm afraid any sort of normal sleep will be a distant memory once you have a newborn.

So true.

Andrise · 27/05/2015 09:30

I think it sounds as if you are both stressed by all the changes and short of sleep. For now just cut yourselves some slack and sleep however works best for you. I slept alone during the latter part of all my pregnancies because I was just not a good sleeper then and also for the first six months after each baby was born (because there might as well be one of us getting some sleep and it meant I could lie in bed and BF without having to either be scrunched up on one side of the bed or worry about waking him). I think that is all pretty normal.

I'd suggest maybe go to bed together for a cuddle first then he gets up and goes to his bed when you are both ready to sleep.

Noneedtoworryatall · 27/05/2015 09:31

I think you went around it the wrong way. It's not nice having someone huff and puff when your just trying to go to sleep. And he's right isn't he, he does have to get up to go to work and you can sleep during the day.

Your in big trouble if your arguing about sleep with a baby on the way.

Talk to him when he gets home and work something out going forward.

HellonHeels · 27/05/2015 09:34

Why would people be "told you so" if you moved out again? Does he already have form for being nasty?

Can you extend your rental lease and move out again?

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2015 09:36

Are there lots of other "red flags" too? Why woild your family say"I told you so"? Would they really or would they be the loving and supporting figures you need right now......

Becuase it honestly doesn't sound as if this man is going to be what you need. If he's like this after 4 days what's he going to be like in a month or a year?

TheHoneyBadger · 27/05/2015 09:37

i too would like to understand more about the 'told you so' comment.

he doesn't sound nice and he doesn't sound stable. nice, stable people don't behave like this or make you feel like this let alone when you are extremely vulnerable due to pregnancy and having just moved into their home.

mrstweefromtweesville · 27/05/2015 09:37

Moving out sounds good. You will have enough on, getting used to a new baby, without having to put up with him as well.

BettyCatKitten · 27/05/2015 09:37

Is there more of a back story?
You say he has form for being cold and nasty, in what respect?
He goes mad with weights at the gym, are you certain he doesn't take steroids or another substance to enhance muscles? Or indeed any other drugs.
Has he an underlying medical condition?
How old are you both and how long have you known him?

paxtecum · 27/05/2015 09:38

Noneedtoworryatall: Bloody hell.

Maybe OP should start walking round on egg shells because of course, it will be her fault if she upsets poor DP again.

OP, he sounds nasty.

DowntownFunk · 27/05/2015 09:39

Everyone gets nippy when there is lack of sleep. However, if he can't be nice after a few days of you moving in, and you're 31 weeks pg, this doesn't look great.

He needs to adjust his attitude PDQ.

Getting comfy and dropping off in the last few weeks, as you know, can be a nightmare.

Good luck.

paxtecum · 27/05/2015 09:40

If he's being nasty now, what will he be like if the baby cries all night?

Move out love and leave poor diddums to get his sleep.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:41

Yes he has form for treating me like shit.... I don't need comments re why are you having a baby with him then... too late for that now there is no going back.

I moved in cause I do not believe I can cope with a newborn on my own. I have to have c-section for medical reasons and am scared of not being able to do everything that needs doing for baby. I just wanted to know what people thought about how he has dealt with things the last two mornings.

I beleive they have new tenants so cannot extend lease

OP posts:
Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 09:43

Yes, do your family and friends already have concerns about him, and is there a reason you're only moving in together now, so late in your pregnancy? The sleeping styles thing is odd - even if you haven't been living together until now, surely you've spent the occasional night together before now?

Honestly, he doesn't sound at all considerate or nice. Do you want to be in a relationship with this man?

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 09:43

I suspect there is much more to this - persuaded you he wanted a family. why would you need persuading. This sounds to me like you have given him a last chance and now you are there his true colours are surfacing.

If this is the case run like the blooming wind. A man who treats a pregnant woman badly is a special kind of awful.

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