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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
Boomerwang · 27/05/2015 12:02

Hi. I snored terribly when I lived with my ex. Because he was tired, he was an arse the next day and because of my snoring my own sleep was interrupted, which made me an arse too.

He moved into the spare room. We both felt much better about it and were more civil to one another, even happy at times.

There is no law that says couples must always sleep in the same bed. Sleep is important. Also, since you've just moved in you are definitely going to have to get used to each other, which takes time. When I moved in with my first real boyfriend it took a month to really work things out. During that time I wanted to go back home every day.

Hang in there, and sleep apart for now. I know the cuddles before sleep and in the morning are lovely, and you can still do those. Take it in turns to go to each other's bed and have a snuggle. Whoever falls asleep first gets to keep that bed while the other goes off to the other one.

missqwerty · 27/05/2015 12:23

Er why is everybody calling this guy abusive? It was the OP who began huffing and puffing over sleep! So she can do that and wake him up and everyone thinks that's ok? Then she expects him to modicoddle her because she's upset at his reaction?

Your all encouraging her to act very princessy!

Nolim · 27/05/2015 12:26

Qwerty in response to your question i quote op:

"He has been emotionally abusive (to an extent) in the past but in the more quiet and clever way than verbal attacks"

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 12:27

the op said he was emotionally abusive........

missqwerty · 27/05/2015 12:58

The OP doesn't see her part in the situation at all. Sometimes couples just have bad patches and one sees them self as a victim. If he has seriously abused her in the past then obviously that's a red flag, but what she described with the sleep issues was more two people transitioning and struggling to adapt.

She can't expect him to treat her like a princess and her behave like a moody child. 10 minutes tossing and turning isn't long, huffing and waking him up only made the situation worse. She would have been better taking herself off to the spare room then having a chat the next day. I would wake up moody and distant If my DP disturbed my sleep then cried like a child the next day for simpathy!

googoodolly · 27/05/2015 13:03

Have you read the whole thread, missqwerty? OP has said in subsequent posts that her "D"P has been horrible to her before they moved in together.

missqwerty · 27/05/2015 13:09

Yes I have. Yet she hasn't described any of the events so what's to say that they aren't like the recent sleeping incident? If he has abused her then absolutely I think she should get as far away as possible. However if she thinks the sleeping incident is abuse then she lacks self awareness in what she brings to the situation. Alls I'm saying is we don't know the true facts, it's too early to declare this man abusive without knowing in detail what has happened. There is a child been born into this so without full understanding I think we should reserve judgement.

magoria · 27/05/2015 13:10

This doesn't sound good.

Get out now before the baby is born. It will be much much harder then.

Nolim · 27/05/2015 13:15

Qwerty that we dont know the true facts is true in any post. I decide to take the information provided at face value, for instance that the dp has form for threating her like s* (her words). He does not seem a considerable and respectful partner. Lets agree to disagree then.

LurcioAgain · 27/05/2015 13:16

I'd second Whiteshirt's comment. I'm a single parent, have been all the way along, had an ELCS and had no problem with the recovery and coping in a flat on my own.

Extend your lease if you can. He sounds like an arse.

NettleTea · 27/05/2015 13:22

A baby isnt going to be quietly huffing - its going to be crying loudly. It may have colic and scream for hours at a time. It may wake on the hour, every hour for the next 2 years. If he is going to be angry after 2 nights of missed sleep then how will he be able to handle a baby.

Happyfriday · 27/05/2015 13:23

Even in separate rooms he is not going to get his sleep with a newborn in the house is he?

You will be so anxious about that I can't see how it will work.

I'm sure your parents will want to help out as much as possible, elderly or not?

Purpleboa · 27/05/2015 13:25

Oh Op, I'm sorry to hear that. As a heavily pregnant woman who is struggling to sleep at 37 weeks, I really sympathise. My DH is a sensitive sleeper, and can get grumpy if he gets woken up (if he wakes up after 4am, apparently he just can't get back to sleep so that's fun for both of us!). I, on the other hand, am a wriggler, like to read until late and hate getting woken up early! Unsurprisingly, we have had our share of sleep battles, but that was before I was pregnant. He knows that I can't get comfortable and is sympathetic, so we are sleeping separately a lot - not ideal but I'd rather at least one of us was getting a good night's sleep. So I do understand the difficulties of co-sleeping - sometimes I wonder how many relationships would have a better chance of survival if separate bedrooms were thE norm!

However, whether or not your DP was grumpy from lack of sleep, there's no excuse for being like that and distressing you so. I do understand that now is not the time for comments about LTB, you are focusing on the birth ahead and need support. I also don't know the rest of your story so wouldn't want to comment. What I will say is PLEASE do your best to put yourself first - your health and the baby's health matter the most. You need to get the best quality rest you can - and that includes no stress. Don't know the best way you can do this but it is something you should be insisting on, and if that means grumpy chops takes up residence in the spare room for the next few weeks, so be it.

Flowers for you.

knotnowdear · 27/05/2015 13:41

OP - I had a baby with an abusive man and believe me, it's easier without them. He got pissed during the birth, left me to build the cot, highchair, baby furniture, buggy etc by myself, completely failed to fit the car seat (his only job) so we brought DD home in an unsafe seat with me crying all the way home, didn't get up once in the night for her entire childhood, bath her or feed her. Oh but did manage to scream abuse at me for leaving the house one day without the bed being made (baby DD was sick three times in a row and needed 3 baths/changes and we were running late).

Please don't let this happen to you because you're scared of coping on your own. It's so much worse if you think somebody will be there to help you and they aren't.

You need calm and sleep right now - not stress. He should be nurturing you and making sure you and the baby have everything you need.

IonaNE · 27/05/2015 13:59

OP, you moved in 4 days ago and on 2 of these he made you cry.
It also seems significant to me that you did not move in until you were 30wk pregnant.
He does not sound like he'll be great help with a newborn.
I would move out. Check with the landlord/agency if there really are new tenants in your previous flat (it might just be your assumption, or the situation might have changed; or the ll might prefer a tenant they already know). If there are new tenants, look for a new property.

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 14:03

This is not about someone who is a bit grumpy through lack of sleep - this sounds to me like an abusive twat who is treating a vulnerable woman like shit.

Hissy · 27/05/2015 14:14

He has been emotionally abusive (to an extent) in the past but in the more quiet and clever way than verbal attacks

... and he will carry on being emotionally abusive to you AND your child... your child will grow up thinking this is normal. IT ISN'T. (((hug)))

I am wondering if he might realise he was a complete c this morning and make peace during the day. Who knows*

Not a chance in hell, unless he is trying to suck you back in so he can abuse you some more.

You have only one option - move back out and stay out. He can still be a (shit, abusive & crap) dad from his own place.

You have to protect this baby from him, you have to live better than this.

Trust me, I can lend you my pregnant to an abusive twat t-shirt if you like?... once your baby is here, this guy is going to escalate. they always do. he has you trapped with him atm, in less than 72 hours he is showing you what he is. When your LO arrives he will get worse, you are at danger of being hit too.

get out, stay out and keep your DC as far from him as you possibly can. If you are not married, please don't name this arsehole as the father and NEVER EVER GIVE THIS CHILD HIS FATHERS SURNAME. Keep it the same as yours to keep the tie to you. go alone to the Register Office, that way you CAN'T name the father.

.. Can you tell I've stuffed up this in my own life? :) My DS is known as my surname, but he is officially his father's name. I regret this, even though for cultural reasons in terms of inheritance, it is better DS has his father's name...

Hissy · 27/05/2015 14:17

My Ex used to make ME and my newborn DS leave the bed if I needed to feed him, I ended up most nights on the sofa. Yes. I know.

the bloke wasn't even working! he had no excuse for needing the bed more than me and my DS. I was an idiot. For far too long, but the EX is gone now and DS and I are MUCH happier - as will you be.

Tryharder · 27/05/2015 14:25

If you're not used to sleeping with someone, it can take time to adjust. And that's without you being heavily pregnant.

Try to discuss it with him and see the funny side without huffs or tantrum on both sides.

Can't believe posters are saying move out because of a minor fall out over a small matter. The poster is expecting a baby with this man. Do people really consider splitting up with father of their children over minor spats.

And yes, you both sound a bit precious about sleep. Get used to not sleeping and managing to go about your day on disturbed or no sleep.

Vivacia · 27/05/2015 14:48

Can't believe posters are saying move out because of a minor fall out over a small matter.

They're not.

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 15:03

Tryharder - this is not about sleep. This is about an abusive man. Nobody would urge someone to split up with someone just because they were a bit tired and grumpy.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 15:04

Well have heard nothing from him all day, not that I am surprised. He likes to ignore me when i have 'done wrong'... usually goes on for days or weeks but bit difficult for him to do that if under the same roof!

Right now I want to go, but having just exhausted myself by packing up my old place and moving I just cannot physically see myself able to do it. A family member does have a property which is currently empty which I am sure i could go to but would need to act fast as they are having some works done and letting it out.... they may have a tenant already I don't know.

In the meantime I am going out again so I am not here when he gets in from work. I just cannot face seeing him walk in with his nasty face on. Wondering about purchasing a blow up bed to sleep the night at my old place on the floor... this is just crazy, can't believe this is where I am after few days here

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 15:06

I would contact your relative about that property now - get your ducks in a row. Don't leave it too late. And I am sure you could call on some friends and/or family to help with moving some stuff for you?

LowryFan · 27/05/2015 15:07

Go now, I know you are exhausted but living with the man will drain you even further. Listen to the wise mners.

Hissy · 27/05/2015 15:17

He likes to ignore me when i have 'done wrong'... usually goes on for days or weeks but bit difficult for him to do that if under the same roof!

google STONEWALLING - one of the nastiest forms of abuse.

and absolutely it can and often IS done while the hapless recipient of said silent treatment is under the same roof.

tryharder you need to take more notice of your own user name and try harder yourself to understand the issue at hand, this is not minor, this is not a spat. Abuse often is triggered or escalated in pregnancy. the OP here is in a highly abusive relationship.